George YOUR HIGHNESS! WHERE ARE YOU! Cleggs He is not in residence.. George Your Joking……YOUR HIGHNESS! Bojo what are you doing here….Have you seen his majesty….say why are you sitting on the throne….get off! Bojo Fiddlesticks! Cleggs His highness has gone to Finland….. George WHAT FOR! I bring great news from Europe! Cleggs OH Good! He will be checking in on the satelite phone in a minute! BEEEEEP BEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP Bojo Gadzooks what the red light flashing Cleggs Its his highness on the video link…. King Cam PSSSSSST CLEGGS PICK UP THE PHONE…. Cleggs Your highness! King Cam Cleggs has that idiot George come baclk from Europe yet Cleggs Funny you…. King Cam Bloody Oaf serves him right the incompetent clown…..and did you lock the middle door I don’t want that blond clown messing wi mi ermine…. Cleggs YOUR HIGHNESS WE HAVE VISITORS King Cam WHAT! You’ve told people I gone and done one….. George Gone and done what your highness… King Cam ERRRRM I’m here in lapland helping Santa… George Your Highness isn’t by any chance hiding then… King Cam Good God how dare you…. George Cleggs focus the picture its all red white and green Cleggs No that’s his highness in his new green hat ,tunic, white and red tights and red curly boots George Nice outfit your highness Bojo HO HO HO HO King Cam It’s what all the elves are wearing…. George His highness is not in disguise then… King Cam Good God how dare you….nothing could be further from the truth…..I’m Santas little helper.. Cleggs Your highness George brings news King Cam Better be good george I’m freezing mi jingle bells off here…. George OH your highness you can return victorious thanl to ME! King Cam Oh Good…. George Your Highness Remember when you said you would not be repaying £1.700,000,000 by December the 1st. King Cam Oh yes how could I forget…. George…Yes…. King Cam How could I forget you forgetting to mention this little thing… George But your highness You will not be repaying this on the 1st of December King Cam Thank you George I will start packing to return…. George Nope Siree not the first of December but you will repay it in July 2015 instead….Back of the net…. King Cam OH Gawd….George have you got a grip on this….. George Your highness not only that I have halved what you will repay….another victory King Cam I thought you were to gi out there not to pay anything… George Little details your highness half of nothing is better than all of everything… King Cam So how much will I repay in July George your highness £1.700,000,000 King Cam I love these victories…YOU STUPID NICKUMPOOP THATSWHAT WE WERE BEING ASKED TO REPAY ANYWAY…. George NOOOO! YER NANNA….we get a rebate…. George and King Cam (together) and we will deduct this from the bill so it will be half…… King Cam Errrrrrm George don’t we get that ANYWAY YOU STUPID “$%^&*£$%%^&!!!!!! George oh your highness the language…..I‘m turning the volume down… King Cam DON’T YOU DA……. Bojo His highness has gone as red as his elf hat…..wait he writing something…..it’s a letter….DEAR SANTA, PLEASE CAN YOU RID ME……oops the signal gone…. Bojo Well that went alright didn’t it George… George Back of the net ……Bojo Bojo Rochester and strood by election next George… George can’t wait….
King Cam OK Chapps are we OK for the last surge at Rochester and Strood….Boots on ground and al that…..smoke these UKIPPERS out….show em a bunch of fives. Bojo Errrrm your highness I think nanny called….. George (sliding to the door) Your Highness I have a very important meeting with errrm King Cam Chaps Chaps no down in the mouth doggy doo here ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP George ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! King Cam George the door handles are live ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP Bojo ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! King Cam And so are the window latches Bojo…….your not getting out that easily so chaps are we Rochester and Strood bound….. Cabinet YES YOUR HIGHNESS King Cam ARE WE WINERS Cabinet YES WE ARE! King Cam Can We ROAR LIKE LIONS Cabinet MIAOW! ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP Cabinet ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! King Cam Can We ROAR LIKE LIONS Cabinet GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! King Cam Toppo Chaps anyone would think we wee defeatist…Cleggs order the bus Cleggs Your highness out this afternoon…… KinG Cam Yes Cleggs Cleggs Wil his highness need an overnight bag…. KinG Cam Errrrrrrrm Cleggs And a one way ticket back to Lapland Cabinet YES HE WILL! Cleggs The bio bus is here your highness King Cam The what…. Cleggs The bio bus runs on biomethane gas generated through the treatment of sewage and food waste.. King Cam OOOOH! Cleggs yes The eco-friendly vehicle can travel up to 300km (186 miles) on one tank of gas, which takes the annual waste of about five people to produce. King Cam Come on chaps all aboard…..Driver Driver EYUP TUBBY OWISTHA! King Cam Eric I thought you were UP NORTH… Driver Eric Naymon, As gota new motor….. King OK Chaps get on board the Rochester and Strood battlebus…Chock away Eric Driver Eric Drat….. King Cam What’s up tubs Driver Ist outa juice…. King Cam What can we do… Driver Eric Errrrrrm Dust wanna pull mi finger KinG Cam OH go one then WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP! Brum Brum Brum Ding Ding Driver Eric Wis oft….. KinG Cam Say chaps why are you all wearing Kingy Cam rubber masks Bojo We want to make sure you get all the credit…. King Cam Toppo chaps….say Tubby have you any roaring music Driver Eric Oooh good point kingy, I alus have a little ditty, turnt music centre on …..] Click Scratch…….’We’re on the road to nowhere come on inside….. Cabinet taking that ride to nowhere.. Driver Eric We’ll take that ride….. King Cam Cheers chubbs say are we there yet? George I think we’ve been there for quite a long time..
King Cam BUT dearest! WIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Cleggs Is HER majesty annoyed King Cam What makes you think that……..OH Sweet Pea…..Please put the Aspidistra down! WIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Smash! Cleggs So you are best of buddies with Sam Cam…. King Cam Of course we are…..OH HONEY! No Not Elephant Foot Umbrella Stand SMASH! SMASH SMASH! Cleggs And you are master in your domain your highness King Cam YOU BET CLEGS Business as usual there ….. Oh bunnykins I’m Sorry! kissy Kissy! Cleggs Your Highness must be assured that you're so in control….tell me did you forget her birthday …. WIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Smash! King Cam What makes you say that Cleggs…………..DUCK! WANG! WANG! WANG! Cleggs Errrm His Highness does this every year SLAM! CLICK! King Cam Well that told her! ….. Cleggs Your Highness she's locked you out of the royal bed chamber…. King Cam NO she hasn’t…. Cleggs Yes She has….. TAP TAP TAP King Cam BABY’S HOME SUGAR! TAP TAP TAP King Cam Open the door pumpkin! Let me in HONEY ! Cleggs Your Highness last year it was only the no expense holiday to Minehead that thawed her highness's wrath…..you style guru you! King Cam DRAT!…..What are we going to do??? Cleggs Errrrm Your Highness I might have an idea…. King Cam Cleggs YOU DO! That sounds so dangerous for a Liberal. The last one you had was comming into coalition with me. Cleggs Yes your highness....but how about a surprise birthday party for her highness….. King Cam BRILLIANT!…..KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS POP! I love you Cleggs….Get Tony Blackburn on the blower….Poptastic Groove maker….RA RA RASPUTIN RUSSIA GREATEST LOVE MACHINE…..! Cleggs I was rather thinking… King Cam Oh come on boogaloo ITS PARTY TIME!! OOOPS UP SIDE YOUR HEAD MAN! Cleggs NO YOUR HIGHNESS King Cam Whispering Bob Harris Dude! Cleggs NO! King Cam WHO THEN! Cleggs Cleggs How about International Club DJ, broadcaster, concept creator and ...Music Freak a chick with two decks - who thinks outside of the box. DJ Sarah HB…. King Cam WHO! Cleggs Your Highness Her Higness LOVES DJ Sarah HB broadcaster, concept creator and ...Music Freak a chick with two decks - who thinks outside of the box. DJ Sarah HB…. King Cam What on earth does Sam Cam know? Cleggs Word has it your Highness that she is 'with' the contemporary music scene having attended an International Music Industry night in Ibiza in 2011, King Cam Ibiza 2011? Cleggs Yes you remember your highness. The press took pictures of you and your HUGE GOITER HA HA! King Cam Right Cleggs Cleggs And your bright red sun burnt face HA HA HA! King Cam SO! What on earth does Sam Cam know about music? Ckleggs You do want to get back in the bed chamber your highness? King Cam YIP! Cleggs Well she rented a villa on the Balearic islands last year. So she must be hip and with it. King Cam OH THAT DJ SARAH Just one thing Cleggs Yes Your Highness King Cam What does HB stand for? Cleggs HARD B*^@~TCH! King Cam Book her! DING DONG Cleggs Your Highness Mr Bojo… Bojo Your Highness I hear your having a party….YOOHOO! GEORGE HIS HIGHNESS IS HAVING A PARTY! WE CAN GET SQUIFFY! Cleggs SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Bojo Oh Fiddlesticks is it a seceret.. King Cam YES! Its Samcam surprise 40th Bojo Is that because she 44? Cleggs SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Bojo OOOOH am I invited…. King Cam Errrrrrm Bojo If I’m not invited I will scream and shout….and tell nannynoo.....NANNY! NANNY HIS HIGHNESSS IS BEING A STINKER! King Cam Oh alright then…. George And Me…. King Cam Yes why not and don‘t forget the twins Ian and Duncan Smith…..now chaps what nibbles shall we have… Eric Yer-reetness needn’t worry thibons about it coz I’ll do a reet nice spread of Prawn of Cocktail with Thousand Isle Dressing and a Ruby Murry…. King Cam It will be all fresh ingredients I hope… Eric Yer-reetness as fresh as I can arvest em....I think thers a train int station as I spake! King Cam Thats scran sorted….Cleggs have you sent the invites out don’t forget Jeremy Clarkson and Harry Enfield…Can't miss out on mi chums from Chipping Norton. Cleggs You bet your highness! George Will we have a silver spinning ball in the disco..... Bojo Is Becks coming? King Cam WOOF WOOF Down Bojo!....George better than that I’ve got DJ Sarah HB…. Eric, George, Bojo WHO! King Cam DJ Sarah HB…. Eric, George, Bojo OH That DJ Sarah HB! International Club DJ, broadcaster, concept creator and ...Music Freak a chick with two decks - who thinks outside of the box. …. King Cam YIP! IDS Twin 1, Wasn’t she sacked from Radio 1 IDS Twin 2, Yes it was in 2003 IDS 1 She's a hasbean IDS 2 Should have booked Cordozar Broadus IDS 1 Who! IDS 2 You know F£$%^&ck All -SNOOP DOG of course IDS 1This party going to be SH*&^%$T! IDS 2 Load a fat old buffers body popping ! IDS 1 Shall we go Ian? IDS 2 Nothing else doing why not Duncan IDS Thats decided then! King Cam SHHH You Two…..What Samcam wants she gets so its a rave-so we need to be ‘throwing shapes and dressed in an open-necked collar and jeans OK.’ Cleggs QUICK! The choppeer is here chaps to take you to the bash…..now remember…it’s a surprise party so the lights will be off. Sam Cam will be brought in and will know nothing about this. When the lights go on what do you shout…. Everyone SURPRISE! Cleggs Right good luck…
Later…… Bojo , Titter…..Its darker than night in here George can’t see a thing.. George Oh I heard a door go Samcam must be in the room… King Cam Oh Samcam KISSSSSSSSSSSSS POP! What big whiskers you’ve got have you come as Santa…..I want to get in your sack I can then give a,.... right up the…… CLICK! Everyone SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRT,…….OOOOH King Cam AH! Mr Patrick McGuiness Mr Gerry Adams Mr Peter D Robinson pleasure to meet you….no I didn’t kiss you that was Bojo….please try the Curry it will blow your socks off….maybe I should n’t have said that…for a minute I thought I was at a Birthday Party instead of trying to save the Good Friday Agreement…… Mr McGuiness Welcome Your Highness you were saying You wanted to get us in a sack.... Mr Adams I can then give you..... Mr P Robinson right up the..... King Cam Errrrrm....I think I have got to be somewhere else, George Start the car.....I going to kill Cleggs Jeremy Clarkson Déjà vu WAIT FOR ME! Harry Enfield DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT.... Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm. King Cam Bojo lock the door.....WE'RE FULL.....BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE! VAMOUSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Meanwhile Sam Cam Cleggs where tubby? Cleggs You mean his Highness…..he was supposed to be here hours ago…. Sam Cam Lets get the party going DJ Sarah HB! International Club DJ, broadcaster, concept creator and ...Music Freak a chick with two decks - who thinks outside of the box. ….GIVE ME VIBES Want to make shapes Cleggs….. Cleggs Your Highness I thought you would never ask……..
Paxman- And now over to his highness at Chadlington. King Cam High Pax hear your are leaving us, best of luck old bean, you will be leaving before May? Paxman Well thankyou hour highness King Cam Yes Jezzer come and join us at Chipping Norton…. Paxman Your highness what is your New Year message…. King Cam Well Jezbo….. Paxman Oh hang on we’ve got Mr Clegg..High Nick! King Cam WHAT!!! COME BACK!!! Cleggs High Jeremy Happy New Year! Paxman High! Cleggs High! King Cam WHAT!!! Where’ve they gone? Paxman Mr Cleggs what is your New Year message…. King Cam CLEGGS YOU WEASEL……SHUT UP! YOUR KING SPEAKS! Cleggs Jeremy the lines not clear must be some interference… Paxman OH can we sort that feedback turn the volume down on the other line King Cam CLEGGS YOU WEASEL……DON’T TURN THE VOLUME DOWN! YOUR KING SPEAKS! Paxman Your Highness????? King Cam ……… Paxman His Highness has gone well Nick… Cleggs That’s better…now where was I, Oh Yes, well 2015 should be a year for optimism because it’s the year we weave goodbye to tubby . I know it might not always feel that way but rest assured I will do my best . The last year has been another tough one for many people especially me cleaning up after the fat slob, wiping his, spoon feeding cavier to the porker And when times are tough, some politicians, instead of telling it like it is and offering a positive way forward, respond with easy simplistic answers or by telling us who to blame. And I am not going to be any different so blame LARDY, got that HRH LARDY it woz im not me. I can tell you right now what David Cameron messages to you will be this year he will blame me for everything; Milk in the Earl Grey, boots not shiny and oh yes the recession. Don’t believe a word from that forked tongue pumped up buffoon believe me honest Nick. Just remember if the Liberal Democrats had not sold there soul and stepped up to the plate and formed a stable government with HRH we would be in a right mess. Not that there’s an election looming, far from it….. believe me honest Nick the best butler money can hire from May..HAPPY NEW YEAR Paxman Thank you nick……Happy New Year……Now Your Highness whats your New Year Message…..Your Highness……Are you there….NOPE OK Mr Cleggs what are you doing today…. Cleggs Well Jezer can I call you that, we, the Lib Dems are starting the new year as we mean to go on with some exercise….. Paxman OH His Highness is here…..where are you King Cam Well Jezbo we are here running for charity at the Great Brook Run 'Run. Get wet. Have a pint’ ……..spiffing….who’s sucking aniseed balls god it stinks Paxman Your highness what is your New Year message…. King Cam Well Jezbo I would like….. READY STEADY…….THREE TWO ……ONE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! King Cam …..to wish…………..DRAT! GOT TO GO or Samcam will think I am a right tubby, she says Eric is my twin……EYUP! Paxman Your Highness????? King Cam WEEEEEEEEZ Paxman His Highness has gone Nick… Cleggs Was that his highness Paxman Yes he just started on the Great Brook Run 'Run. Get wet. Have a pint’ Cleggs OH GOOD! Vince release the hounds! Simon blow the horn! Charles Pass the Toddy……I said Charles Pass the Toddy Paxman I thought you were exercising… Cleggs Yes we are exercising our right as Lib Dems to demonstrate…. Paxman OH! Cleggs Yes to demonstrate we are against His Highness plan to reintroduce hunting with dogs Simon Hughs PARP! PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP! This is fun! PARP! PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP! Paxman Your Highness?? What do you think of Cleggs demonstrating? King Cam WEEEEEEEEZ WHAT! Hang on it’s the tunnel bit WEEEEZ Paxman Luv the knee pads! King Cam WEEEEEEEEZ I will be meeting WEEEEZ up with the weasel later….. WEEEEZ…. Paxman Nick how do you plan to demonstrate…. Cleggs Well Jezzer it took some preparation…. Paxman OOOOH? Cleggs Yes I washed His Highness cod piece in oil of aniseed….and if the plan runs true down here at Chadlington we will see HRH later….Can you see him Vince….he will be the big red bouncy ball at the front…..GOT HIM Right chaps Tally HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! See you later Jezzer. HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRRR! Paxman Your highness? what is your New Year message…. King Cam HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP! VAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS Simon Hughs PARP! PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP! This is fun! PARP! PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!
King Cam- Mr Blonde come in….. Bojo Your Highness! King Cam call me Gold Kinger…. Bojo Gold Kinger? WHY? King Cam Because everything I do turns to gold Bojo WOW! No 10 had a bit of a make over……white carpet, white walls, whire couch, white curtains, white ermain suit, white crown King Cam Yes We tink dis is more in keeping with my new role….and don’t forget my newPussy Bojo You have a cat?. King Cam No the Chancellor of the Exchequer…. Bojo but Gold Kinger I thought you were going, history, yesterdays news…. King Can Yes zo did I but I was VICTORIOUS!!!! I AM RULER OF THE WORLD!!!! NOTHING CAM STOP ME!!!! CACKLE CACKLE…. Tell me Mr Blonde why did you get re-elected as a MP.. Bojo Well Gold Kinger to replace you…..yer…..yore…yure…..your dirty liberal allies with true blue supporters…. King Cam For a moment Mr Blonde I thought you meant to replace me…..as assassinate me zo you could seek power? Bojo GOOD GOD NO GOLD KINGER! King Cam Good Mr Blonde because mien enemies have been eliminated or EXTERMINATED…HA HA HA HA HA! Bojo Yes Gold Kinger where is Cleggs…. King Cam He vas eliminated, like Millibone, Mr Balls, Mr Fabricants Wig….you see Mr Blonde Bojo Thought the Fabbies wig was dead.. King Cam No very much alive…it fought to ze end……BUT WE KILLED IT!!!! HA HA HA Nothing will stand in my way……. Bojo Erm Gold Kinger aren’t you over reacting? King Cam Over reacting…..NEVER……I have an absolute majority absolutely zo I can rule absolutely…. Bojo WOW! King Cam Mr Blonde No 10 zis my Liar I mean lair….my centre of operations here I CONTROL EVERYTHING FROM HERE HA HA HA! You Mr Blonde are a failed Mayor……Boris Island is no more…..your buses have back doors on them…..your water cannon failed…..who do you think did all this Mr Blonde EH????? Bojo You rotter… King Cam You think it vas Me Mr Blonde…. Bojo NANNY NANNY Gold Kinger is bullying me King Vell you would be wrong zat was all due to you , you bird brained baffoon..but I could have done all this and much more be cause I am supreme I have agents everywhere doing my biding. Mr Blonde twist the white elephant foot umbrella stand Bojo OOOH, Click……..wirrrrrr……pizzazz…….clunk Bojo Gold Kinger where did all those video screens come from?….. King Cam Agent Salmon Chops can you hear me….how goes Scotland Commander Salmon Och Aye Gold Kinger…..Mission Accomplished Labour and Liberal ELIMINATED…. King Cam Well done Agent Salmon Chops….Agent Fargone can you hear me? Agent Fargone Is that god? King Cam You Bet Agent Fargone How is the liberal party Agent Fargone ElIMINATED! Agent Gandalph can you hear me how goes Labour…. Agent Gandalph The redistribution of wealth to the proletariat, and the taking over of the means of production in the coal industry and British Leyland will go ahead under my leadership of the party. Polaris will be scrapped, I wish leave the common market…and I want to give Barbararar Castle one... King Cam Commander Gandalph you are not making any sense…. Agent Gandaph……YIP! Gold Kinger King Cam Agent Gandalph so all goes vell then you expect to control the Labour Party in veeks… Agent Gandalph YIP! Gold Kinger they will be eliminated…. King Cam So Mr Blonde I control everything….. Bojo Wow Gold Kinger everyone thought you were a fat empty headed oaf…. King Cam They were wrong Mr Blonde…. Bojo Yes your running nearly empty headed … King Cam Thankyou Mr Blonde….I zink……I can do anything…..bring back hunting….reform Europe without reforming it…..cut ze welfare spending by twelve billion and give forty billion to the banks…..you cannot make it up, or can you? yes we do that as well…. Bojo Wow Gold Kinger and there was me thinking I could eliminate you…..all hail Goldkinger……so erm where do I fit in with all this? King Cam Oh we have a special role for you……. Bojo OH Gold Kinger can I be an agent, can I? can I? King Cam Yes Kippers at 9 am, Paper Ironed 9.15 and mien botty wiped at 9.30 Bojo Oh Youyr Highness Gold Kinger thank you thankyou
IDS George we want to know why his highness has called us all together, George Not clear….but there has been some strange sounds from the his highness’s nursery Bojo Bi Jove George, your right I served his highness Horlicks last night and he looked positively mad…. Eric So wots up ther then…. Bojo No Eric old bean, he had mad staring eyes, wild hair, scared me to death…had to sleep with nannynoo George You must have been scared Bojo I was until Nanny sorted me out some hot milk ….. Grant Shapps His Highness has found GOD! Cabinet WHAT! Grant Shapps yes he sacked me, his Guru,… says he no need for me now the lord has returned…..
Door Opens SLAM……!!!!!
King Cam (Leaps onto the cabinet table doing jazz hands) HALLELUJAH! BROTHER GRANT! IS YOUR HOUSE CLEAN! Grant Shapps EEEK King Cam THANKYOU FOR COMING BRETHREN! Cabinet Silence. King Cam I SAID THANK YOU FOR COMING BRETHREN! Eric OOOH YOUR HIGHNESS I HAVE SEEN’T LEET! REET UP THI RUSTY BULLET OLE! Bojo Eric!? King Cam BROTHER ERIC! DO YOU TURN THE OTHER CHEEK IF SOME ONE HITS YOU! Eric AMEN TER THAT! KING Cam (WACK!) HALLELUJAH! Other side…..(WACK!) BROTHER ERIC YOU BELIEVE! Eric OOOOH AAAAH I BELIEVE King Cam DO YOU ALL BELIEVE! Cabinet AMEN! YOUR HIGHNESS! (King Cam does several back flips along the table) King Cam I Had a dream last night….I SAID I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT!! Cabinet HALLELUJAH! KINGY! King Cam THE SCALES FELL FROM MY EYES! SATAN LEFT MY HEART! AND I HAD A DIVINE REVELATION BROTHERS AND SISTER! George OOOOOPS Bonk! King Cam You may swoon in the eye of the lord but the Tax Collector will find his way to heaven… George HALLELUJAH ! (King Cam cartwheel around the room) King Cam I bring the great new that OUR LORD HAS RISEN AGAIN FROM THE DEAD! He rides with the four beasts of the apocalypse! Bojo YOU MEAN! King Cam AMEN BROTHER BOJO! (King Cam Somersaults over George) Bojo LORD MARGARET HAS RISEN! King Cam WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT SATAN! TAKE NOT YOUR GODS NAME IN VAIN! Bojo OOH Sorry old bean do you mean Nanny…I thought she was having a lie in… King Cam REPENT UNBELIEVER! Cabinet BOOO! SATAN! Bojo EEEEK I Repent your highness King CAM YOUR GOD FORGIVES BLONDIE! AAAAAAAAAAMEN! Eric Heyup Blondie wust been upto King Cam SEE! ERIC BELIEVES! HE TALKS IN MANY TONGUES! IDS So do we HALLELUJAH! (King Cam Handstand on the Elephant foot umbrella stand) King Cam OUR LORD HAS RISEN, THE FOUR BEASTS RIDE WITH HIM….40 YEARS IN THE WILDERNESS HIS TIME HAS COME… Theresa May (But most wouldn’t) JESUS CHRIST! King Cam HALLELUJAH! SISTER! I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land. (King Cam moonwalks up the cabinet table) Cabinet AMEN Kingy! King Cam I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised electoral land. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.JC” Cabinet AMEN Kingy! (King Cam Walks on hands back up the cabinet table) King Cam Listen not to the lies of false prophet Cleggs WOE TO HIM THAT DOES FOR THE BLACK ABYSS AWAITS! Cabinet WOOOOOOOEEEEEEE TO HIM! King Cam So Brothers and Sister when we go down to the river! Cabinet Amen Kingy! King Cam And we drink at the fountain of the terrace bar Cabint Amen Amen Amen! King I SAY GO DOWN ON BENDED KNEE,...... I SAID GO DOWN ON BENDED KNEE! Cabint ON BENDED KNEE! KING Cam AND THANK THE LORD! Cabinet THANK THE LORD FOR JESUS CHRIST KING CAM NO! THANK THE LORD FOR JEREMY CORBYN! And the four Beasts of the Apocalypse St Ken of the Livingmillstone, The Abbott Diane, St Ken McClueless, and St John of Mc Doughnut Cabinet HALLELUJAH…. He‘s a brother, a brother, a brother we love! King Cam YOU CAN ALL KISS MY HOLY RING! FORM A Q! Cabinet HALLELUJAH!
TAP TAP TAP King Cam; George old bean have you a moment…..open the door mi old mucka… George; Your Highness are you really still there? King Cam; YIP! Open the door Geogie poo for old times sake George; Your Highness the door latch is seized…. King Cam; OH George let me try and assist you to open it……I’m a dynamo at the DIY… Click Wizzzz BANNNNNNNNNNNG! George; TWEET! TWEET! OH What……When…Where… Oh dear your highness! King Cam By Jove George wonders what TNT will do…..MI You look a little shaken….. George; Your Highness looks quite Stirred…… King Cam; STIRRED! Not Arf George……I just want to thank you for your great idea….. George Your Highness ….No Ne…….. King Cam BANG…….. George EEEED. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! King Canm Oh I insist BANG! George EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK Your highness put the Bazzooka down… King Cam When you said ’lets have a referendum we can’t lose……’ George Did I say that????? King Cam YIP! BANG! …..Lets bazooka that veruka. George OW! King cam Did the thought not occur…..well…..that we might lose…. George errrrrrrm! King Cam Well George YOUR FIRED….or you will be old bean when I set this flame thrower off……WIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WOOOOOOOSH! George OK TTFN Your Highness………TAXI FOR RUISLIP!!!!….. SLAM! Ring Ring…..Ring Ring…….Ring Ring King Cam HELLO Kingys Gaff…… Bpjo AH Your Highness I just called to .. King Cam AH Bojo you are ringing to thank me… Bojo Your highness for the brave campaign you fought we could not have done it with out you….. King Cam and by any chance my steadfast….. Bojo; yes…service to the conservative party and you will be remembered…. King Cam ….as the best Conservative King …… Bojo Your side of Ruislip….. King Cam AND?????? Bojo We will miss you….Boo Hoo King Cam AND?????? Bojo We will miss you….Boo Hoo King Cam AND?????? Bojo Errm You will leave your throne and ermine….oh that’s a bit on the large size King Cam AND?????? Bojo The elephant umbrella stand and matching aspidistara? We will do a make over…You taste was well, absolutely pantaloons King Cam AND?????? Bojo OH! The Jewels although the crown will be a bit big after your big bonse but please take Eric…I have a new batman…he is here any minute. King Cam ERRRRRM! Bojo! Bojo That’s your Highness your Highness…Oh some ones knocking on mi portcullis… King Cam YOUR HIGHNESS! Bojo Oh come in George you saw the advert then…..Yes your Highness, do you fancy hanging on for a couple of years? King Cam YOU CAN F……….. Bojo Got to go…..put the key under the mat bunter…..Byeeeeeee! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! King Cam HELLO! HELLO! DRAT! Ding Dong….. King Cam Who’s there…. Pssst Its ME! King Cam if that’s you blondie come near me and you will get a bunch of fives. NOOOOO! Its ME!!!!! Have you forgotton me already? King Cam It can’t be????? It Is!!!!!!!! CLEGGGS!!!! You return…..You have risen….. Cleggs I have returned to help you pass from this realm to another place…. King Cam Does that involve fancy garters Cleggs For Some!!!! But first the time of you is over….the age of of Uxbridge and South Ruislip has begun…. King Cam BOO HOO Stabbed in the back, abandoned by others, served by incompetents …..You were all those and more Cleggs OOH I miss you Cleggs I miss you your highness……Kiss King Cam Kiss Kiss Kiss Cleggs Thank you your Highness….I have returned with one last task… King Cam Whats that ?? Cleggs For your abdication speech….. King Cam Show me the way Cleggs Cleggs YES! Start your speech King Cam OK …….Cough…….A few hours ago I discharged my last duty as King and Emperor, and now that I have been succeeded by my brother, Bojo the Duke of Porky Pies, my first words must be to declare my allegiance to him and promise to help him as much as he helped me. This I do with all my heart. You all know the reasons which have impelled me to renounce the throne. But I want you to understand that in making up my mind I did not forget the country or the empire, which, as King, I have for years tried to serve, and boy have I tried. I tried to understand economics, I tried to understand Eric, I dealt with those continentals and the common oiks over and above any other Bullingdon Bertie…. But you must believe me when I tell you that I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as King as I would wish to do without the help and support of the people I relied on George, Bojo Ian and Duncan Smith. I could not have done it without them. And I want you to know that the decision I have made has been mine and mine alone honest. This was a thing I had to judge entirely for myself. No my hooter isn’t growing. The other person most nearly concerned has tried up to the last to persuade me to take a different course, and I said Bojo I don’t like rosey red apples and MY! what big eyes you have….but NO I‘m not hanging on to do the exit negotiations not by the hairs of my many chin chins . So I have made this, the most serious decision of my life, only upon the single thought of what would, in the end, be best for all. And that is King Bojo doing the negotiations. So good luck and cheers you blonde back stabber…You will be fantastic…..Can’t wait! During these hard days I have been comforted by my Batman Cleggs who has returned. I now quit altogether public affairs and I lay down my burden. So don’t come knocking of my door asking me to pull your Irons out of the fire you bunch of ungrateful, unloyal, no good, dead beat subjects who could not give a ….. Cleggs YOUR HIGHNESS! DIGNITY! King Cam DIGNITY I tell you about dignity I have had to put up with this lot, be polite, shake hands, and how do they repay me YOU BUNCH OF Cleggs YOUR HIGHNESS! King Cam OK….Cough…My subjects…. It may be some time before I return to from the other place my native land, but I shall always follow the fortunes of the British race and empire with profound interest, and if at any time in the future I can be found of service to his majesty Bojo in a private station, I shall not fail to do the same unto him as he did to me . And now, we all have a new King. I wish him and you, his people, happiness and prosperity with all my heart. I really really really do. So God bless you all! God save the King! Cleggs BOO! HOO! King Cam Don’t worry cleggs you aint heard the last of me whats for tea I believe revenge is a dish best served cold…..Yum Yum fancy a slice…..
King Cam Hello Kingys gaff.... Shhhh.....It is I Michel.....I shall say this only once...... King Cam OOOOOOOOOOH! Michel The Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army is eliminated..... King Cam Are you on gas? Michel Since the beginning of time tricksters have embraced life's paradoxes, creating coherence through confusion That time is ended. King Cam What old bean! Michel The buffoon in a platoon of fools is no more King Cam Mr Gove why are you talking in riddles with a daft Fench accent? Mr Gove SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I is Michel the deed is done King Cam OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! top thing old bean.....HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! REVENGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGE