KC King Cameron GP Georgie Porgie Osbourne NC Nick Cleggsy Eric Pickles Daddy Ken Ken Claerke Jazzman Lord Vable as Vince Cable
NC ORDER! ORDER! My Lords, Barons Earls, Dames, Madams, and Ladies all stand for our leader his Royal Unfitness King Cameron . KC Morning Morning….Cleggsy get mi ermine before I trip up NC Your Furriness of Course… KC Gentlemen and you peachy ladies…We are here to discuss THE BIG SOCIETY….a child of my brain…..scary what….Cleggsy mi Crown…..and don’t forget mi septre……and give mi shiny orb a rub while yer at it… NC Your Inappropriateness… KC GET THE BLOODY BRASSO and shine up mi bling..yer stupid oaf. Daddy Ken ‘Your Highness….Big Big Shobbadidoo Society Rattdatendoody hazy vibe man…scatzman daddyoh KC OOOh Righto Ken…Tell me Porgie whats language is the bloody baffoon speaking. GP Jazz so keep it simple he’s smoking something. KC. It’s HUGE Kenny…..and its my big idea.. Put yer cheroot out it bloody wiffs like burning rope Daddyoh OK Mon. . Daddy Ken 'It's magic man' GP Your Highness ..what is it…the big society….I’m the one with all the ideas. KC "Things that fire you up in the morning,…like mi kippers, things that drive you.. like a game of golf.. things that you truly believe will make a real difference to the country you love….like kicking the poor….and my great passion is building the big society with mi batman Cleggsy. There are the things you do because it's your passion.’ GP Your Guffness WOW! Daddy Ken Cool Man Cabinet in unison sound of 20 Jaws hitting polished table. KC Where’s mi Judi….Ah Cleggsy what do you think old bean! NC Your Gratefulness …What I call Liberalism, King Cameron calls the Big Society… We have been using different words but we mean similar things… We are more united than Blair and Brown.’ KC OOOOH the thought…but Judiiiii! Didn’t you say something else….you useally do or are you the bloody town hall clock. NC Errrrrrm Aaaaaah Oooooooh dear I could have said ''What is this big society? It is a big society with a price tag attached. ''It's a bit like inviting someone to a party in a pub and finding that it's your card behind the bar paying for everyone's drinks.'' NC GP HAW HAW HAW…..Put the Big Society soup on Cleggsy it is your best recipe... NC Yes its made with baked old bones, lard, over boiled sad veggies, a special pickle, some funny herbs, and a hint o chillie. KC Tell mi Cleggsy did you base your hotchpotch recipe on the Coalition? NC Yip.....and some Susie Salt and the HUGE Percy Pepper... KC Cleggst Lose the floppy hat are you related to Ainsley bloody Harriot.... Movement at end of table. KC Oooooh Georgie its going to speak GP Your Hillbillyness its never done that before Eric Pickles ‘Your Muckisbrassiness “Part of myyyyyy big societay is bloooday graft n ta chuckontip thems daftier southern nancy restrictions that can drain yer gumption from yer the welliess of yer broad god frettin volantarts." Doyerno it bieckythump ardier to close a cobbled streeeet for a kneesupmotherbrown than to invade another backyard and thumpem wi mi puddin….Yo dunna need a a southern softy traffic management plan to close a ginnel to celebrate thowd Royal Wedding. I can tell thee” KC Georgie what the bloody ell did it say…. GP Your Aloofness I haven’t got a bloody clue…this party seems full of people who no one can understand. Lord Vable Breath in Breath out 'Lord Pickles will slay the great society empire.....he is blocking the coalition reforms.' Eric Pickles 'Shut thy gob colander ed.' KC Georgie I've got a jedi in the room talking space dust...that's the problem with mi big society no chappie h as a bloody clue what it is but "I don't accept that people don't understand what this is It is incredibly simple idea, it has to be I thought of it, and one, I think, is catching on, especially in Liverpool" Eric Pickles. Wrong Snooty Nowt down fer that. KC George get Cleggsy he from yonna land he translate for this oik. Cleggsy Your Snootiness Mr Pickles states the good people of Liverpool have rejected your big society idea Eric Pickles Your Snootiness Some floozy is knocking yer big idea and yer gumption. I wunna teck that I can tell yer as long as ive ad a ole in my trousers and another I gabble through ebigum. Cleggsy Your Highness Mr Pickles states Dame Hoodless thinks your idea is flawed. KC The Bloody nerve of it….say who Dame Hoody sounds gangsta Daddy Ken Yeh man she a mean dude on the streets. Don‘t mess with that cat ok Cool man, GP We’re surrounded by idiots? KC Spot on Georgie NC Anyway the big Society Soups nearly ready Your Silliness KC "Of course there is not one lever you can simply pull to create a big society, some of the most dynamic charities, social enterprises and voluntary groups to take over the running of public services.’ Cabinet in Unison BLOODY HELL! KC "We should not be naive enough to think that simply if government rolls back and does less, then miraculously society will spring up and do more. The truth is we need a government that helps to build a big society." GP Your Wigglessness you’re talking a crock aren’t you…..it’s the real plan isn’t it remember….blame a liberal…..tell a whopper…..blame a liberal….kick the poor…melt a snowman and be compassionate KC You cheeky little monkey Georgie….you knew all the time…..nannies training can’t fool; you old bean…..but it’s a monster porky pie…..Cleggsy did you guess NC Not once your trouserfullness GP Your Shrewdness its got advantages its delivers the greater plan AND keeps the Liberal woollies happy Eric Pickles ‘Somebod start clackin about sheep….you stick yer big society... ZZZZZZZZ Lord Vable 'I lost against the Empire of News Int...I feel a power of pickles will scupper the Kings scheme.' KC Cable your bonkers...And folkes Saint Margeret of milk snatching loves my idea ….all pray GP Your Choosiness She spoke to you….truly divine….amen KC Yes its great we cut everything and get all the reds under the beds dolies doing community service for free and pinko conscies working for free by choice. Meanwhile we get loads of tax back and baff a few bonuses to us and the bankers DING DONG. GP NC Wow KING KONG KC Dame Hoody spouted that "It's about one hand not appreciating what the other hand is doing, and not making the decisions in a timely fashion." I thought we had been rumbled Georgie by Jingop bloody close run thing…But I think shes a bit of Pinko that doesn’t thinko so we are alright. GP Your Surprisingness So I can cut some more…..doesn’t it cost anything this big society? Daddy Ken .’.Your Sneakiness Man you cutting some rug…you love Jazz Dude.’ KC NOPE DUDIE! Get the bloody shears out Porgie….Won’t cost a bloody thing. Just cut everything and leave it to volunteers so we get it for free…..after all charities are too dependent on the public purse and will need help to adjust to a future of penniless independence. For them that’s left anyway. GP Your Dongliness You’re amazing…. KC I know, they don‘t call me King for nowt…I mean nothing…. bloody oik rubbing orft….and I am the also oracle of St Magdge of Milk snatching kiss mi ring…not that one Cleggsy the gold one with the big ruby.
KC So Cleggsty are you gonna sell iyt to thre public. NC Your Doubledealingness TO EVERYONE EVERYWHERE. KC Chin Chin Cleggsy Serve us all soup… but leave that Pickles Chapie sleeping he’s a slurper Eric Pickles Wot Wot youyr nancyness I can sniff Pea n am, bloody ell, good for yer is pea n am…let the wind blew strong let the wind blew free its alus much better out than inside me, anyone yer mutts wanna pullmi finger chortle…got any hovis to slurp it wiv....big society mi aunt fanny.' Lord Vable 'Lord Pickles is talking riddles....but he is dangerous to your highness' KC Cleggsy whats the the northern oik bloody saying..vable...sorry cable says hes trouble NC Your Greatness he is your biggest fan and wants to shake fingers with you… KC OOOOH a northern custom great, what,… OK old chap what did you say I pull…… Eric Pickles COPP FER THAT YER BIG NANCY BOY BIG SOUTHERN SNOOTY SOCIETY TOFFEY NOSED TWERP KC OH Jesus.......All Pray....St Mumsy Margeret we are good, please sort out this Dame of the Hood, our wish is for our big society on earth...we believe it in truth never in mirth, we will help all charity to adjust, from pinko bolshi people to those we trust..and please from your biggest fan please get rid of this pickles man. Amen.. Everyone .....Amen .
Prime minster writing in the observer relaunching the big society expect more announcements this week but at Number 10 Kig Camron Nick Clegg George Osbourne Eric Pickles
Cleggsy Your Highness its in the papers….. KC What Fish n bloody Chips??? YUM YUM Get the Sarsens GP We are relaunching the big idea cleggs… KC I might have penned a little letter about my BIG…..HUGE….SOCIETY IDEA!!!! Cleggsy GP OH GOD!!!why was I not told.. KC Oh give over I want to see more positive headlines about my jolly "big society", I am absolutely toppo about the bloody torrent of newsprint expended on this subject. Since the relaunch.’ Cleggsy Your Chinlessness ‘What is the big society? KC ‘For too long, our lovelly jingo country has failed to have a proper natter on how we can make our society more muscley and stronger and give BRITISH people more power……By god now it is happening in the think tanks of Westminster, Fleet Street. And even the bloody bishops were giving it a jolly good bashing on the live goggle box….. GP Your Gramerphoneness It sounds brilliant doesn’t it Cleggsy Cleggsy Sounds like empty vessels make the loudest noise to me Georgi KC Yes the BIG HUGE ENOROURMESS SPLENDIFERENCE SOCIETY…..Oooh Aaaagh Grrrrrrrr and .some dirty rotters want to attack it rather than join in the rumpy pumpy scrum EP Yeer Nancyness that mi thas calling….some callus mi a battleship udders an owd tub, but OOO soever thy bi I’ll sackem….wins ther truble at mill ont damp market di…ther ul bi a big society er doleys OK. KC I thought we had sent im, up north to Birmingham….Cleggsy whats the oaf saying?? Cleggsy Your Southerness He is willing to help your Big Society idea. KC By god its HUGE Cleggs and unlike so many other dreamy poos which are dropped orft or forgotten when yer squiffy all the interest and chattyness means we're on to something. Nevertheless, Nanny has made me aware of the naughty criticisms that those scruffy liberals have said , so let me address them head-on COP FOR THAT Cleggsy (Headbutt). Cleggsy OOOOOOOOH KC Georgie told me that you think the Big Society is a load of Tosh and ‘waste of time’ and you and your weirdy beardy chums have banned the words Big Society from your yoga classes well mi size ten Saville Row brogue up yer rusty bullet ole….BOOOOOOF….will make you think again OIK. Cleggsy AAAAAAAAAARGH Thank you your Highness KC Them dirty rotter liberals say I’m and mi idea are ‘vague‘. I reject that…..its about devolving power to the lowest level …opening up our public services….and encouraging volunteering so people contribute more to their community. EP Your Ponsyness I towd thi sack em, shut up shop, and allus remember where’s ther muck ther brass….I mek a mint wi mi muck GP AH your big society is sack everyone KC Apart from us Georgi GP….sell everything on Ebay…..and make doley scum, guardian readers and prisoners do it it for free…Not bad your highness…so lets get this right if neighbours want to take over the running of a post office, park or playground, we will make them. If a charity or a faith group want to set up a great new school in the state sector, we'll give it to them. .your not as stupid as you look are you.. KC That’s right Georgie…..Them weirdy beardies touts also say this is all a cover for cuts…which is right but we do is call it social responsibility instead and trot on about building a stronger, bigger society is something we should try and do . GP Your Brightness but spending is going down down deeper and down…. KC Quite right Georgie but as the state spends less spondooly and does less, it would be spiffing if some parts of society were to step forward and do more as a freeby don‘t yer think for a big society. Cleggsy But your painfulness how bout the health service? KC St John Ambulance…. Cleggsy Education? KC Pillow fights with nanny…. Cleggsy Defence and..civil… ? KC TA, Special Constable just one for law and order, Garden Hose for fires and the WI for everything else blah blah blah and I will be KING Cleggsy Your Poshness the Big Society may work in the leafy sort of areas that you represent but it won't work in the most deprived parts of our country. KC Yes it will because we’ll be hiring all the peasants to work in our leafy toppo areas for a pitance and in the other areas it doesn’t matter we can blame those Labour chappies I’m not a snob….honest.. Our approach will not merely enable them to build a stronger society, it will actively help, sorry tell them to do so….. GP Your Toppiness is what your talking about is entirely new… KC NOPE!….Saint Margey of milk snatching…all pray…did do this but we are going to do much much much more for longer….and I AM the son of Mumsy Thatcher all kneel. Cleggsy Your spankiness the Liberals will be slaughtered in May..amen KC Lamb for dinner then…. GP Your Snottyness I think your on to something EP Your Rubadubdubness thers trouble at mill…cas I‘ve been punsing the councils een nancy pancy southern ponsy boy ones an I bin angin on to ther brass…cause wer skint….and they thin bin robbin’t charitiess thats er yer BIG SOCIETY. KC Cleggsy . What did it say? Cleggsy Some people say that the big society can't happen because our voluntary bodies are being starved of state money by council . KC Charity begins at our Old Pile chaps no area apart from leafy ones can be let orft from cuts, The Jolly big society is about changing the way our bloody country is run. Let's treat adults like adults and give them more responsibility over their lives b y closing everything and sacking everyone. It has the power to transform our country. That's why the big society is here to stay. Cleggsy Yer Maddness You are EP Chip oft thowd block. KC That’s right There will be no hospitals so no waiting lists. There will be an army of first aiders to take health onto the streets and keep it there for the cost of a crepe bandage. No double dip recession or debt for ever because no one will have any money to spend on anything….which solves the crime problem as no one will have anything to steal unless the rob me and I’ll pop em orft wi mi shooter…The schools will be comprehensively shut so no debate about the 11 plus…and we can all do our but for our big society by employing the good ones as servants who can enjoy the cake crumbs oft me table’ Cleggsy Your Grovelness Would you sack me for your big society? KC Yip Cleggsy we have to cut our britches to fit …. Cleggsy Your Floweriness Big floppy flares so suite you…everyone wearing them this season look a Kenny Boo KC OK Cleggsy that one cut too far….get the mint sauce and serve tea Cleggsy Your Smoothness I will never call your big idea again. Dinner is served….
King Cameron was recently relaunching his big society in a chjarm offensive....because, well, no one knew what it meant apart from it was BIG or HUGE. Even peo0le omn hios own cabinet were kicking it. So rumour had it that they took inspiration from a 1980 cult film at a recent cabinet meeting and sought some divine inspiration. Starring KC King Cameron GP Georgie Porgie EP Eric Pickles Kennyboo Ken Clarke Saint M Thatcher Lord Vable Vince Cable
KC George I am so saddy waddy….everyone thinks my big society is a load of tosh…I have requested an audience with the blessed Margaret….all kneel…you must also come as I believe our faith and yours in particular is flagging…we need a relaunch of our beliefs. and pick mi pecker up GP Your devilishness you mean people state the big society is just a cover for my cuts…perish the thought….HOW DARE THEY! Both enter the oh so dark and creepy crypt of Number 10 KC Georgi light a match Mumsy it is I King Cam and Georgie Peorgie we seek divine guidance…it is easier to thread the eye of a needle with a casmel attached to a string of sausages than to follow the true winding blue path to good old Thatcherism….please forgive us…in penance we have not eaten jam rolly polev for a month…. GP CORRRR She’s alive….the legend was true…AAAAGH just burnt my fingers pass another match Saint Margaret Of Milk Snatching ‘You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the Adam Smith Commandments have returned to me as two burkes, with filthy mouths and bad attitudes. KC Bit harsh mumsy… Saint M SHUT UP Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope. DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?’ KC Mumsy I see my big society….no one else does…another match Georgi Sant M. There is no such thing as society: there are individual men and women, and there are families. KC BOO HOO Mumsy you don’t believe it either Saint M. If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman, If you want to cut your own throat, don't come to me for a bandage. GP AAAAAGH burnt mi fingers again…turn the bloody light on…she’s nuttier than you…HRH Saint M. OK Kingsy You don't tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive. KC OOOOOH MUMMY Saint M Being prime minister is a lonely job... you cannot lead from the crowd. Be extraordinarily patient provided you get my own way in the end. KC Mummy Loves ME WHOOOPEE Georgi Saint M DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?’ Georgi What light? The 40 watt bulb? KC YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! GP Oh God. KC Yes that right The big society We're on a mission from our God!. Get the band together in the cabinet room. Order a trilby, a pair of very very dark glasses and a very tight fitting suit.
Later that morning at Cabinet meeting…. Cleggsy Your Lords Ladies and gentlemen HRH King Cameron….where’s his majesty and Georgie We got two donkies here dressed in dark suits and trilbys looking like diamond merchants or they’re from the Maddness or something KC FOOLED YOU It is I Cleggsy and Georgie, and we're on a mission from our God Mags!. KC We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here today and we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of the Liberal Partty who have chosen to join us here in the Number 10 ballroom. We do sincerely hope you'll all enjoy the show and please remember people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there're still some things that make us all the same. You, me, them, everybody in the BIG SOCIETY. EP Cleggsy get your ass over eer. I'll ave some er yer toasted warbies please. Cleggsy You want butter or jam on that toast, honey? EP: Got any fried chicken? Cleggsy: Best damn chicken in the state. EP: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke. Cleggsy: You want chicken wings or chicken legs? EP: Four fried chickens and a Coke dummy ….: And some dry white warbies please. KC What’s the Pickly fellow saying Cleggsy Your Brethrens He’s peckish and ordered some Tiffin. KC Don't you blaspheme in here! This is my show, this is my kingdom, and you two are just gonna walk right out that door without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without job if you don’t tune in old bean and remember me and the Lord, we have an understanding so watch out….because we are on a mission from GOD GP Order Order I have seen the light and Saint Marg of Milk Snatching We are on a mission with the big society and our Lord King will deliver… KC We have a band powerful enough here to turn goat wee into gasoline…And now, people... .. When I woke up this mornin', I heard a distubin' sound. I said When I woke up this mornin', I heard a disturbin' sound! What I heard was the jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls about the big society….. Cabinet OH NO! EP Well I’ll go bottom of mi stairs KC Wait a minute! Those lost angry souls roamin' on the earth, seekin' to find life they'll not find, but it's not too late! Not Tooooo late, yeah! So that you, me, and everybody believe in the big society…. Cleggsy Georgie hes gone barking hasn’t he GP Cleggsy if you heard the words of our blessed saint you would believe… Cleggsy GEORGIE! GP YIP He’s as mad as a hatter thinking anyone will believe this crock of…..what the…Why’s Ken Clarke climbing on the table….and back flipping. KC Folks, you are a lot Minnies a Moochy, Led by HRH a red hot hoochie-koocher, I am the roughest, toughest nail, but with a heart as big as a wha-a-le Kennyboo Hidee-Hidee-Hidee-hi, Hodee-hodee-hodee-ho, Cabinet wafting hands Heedey-hee-dee-hee-dee hee, Hidee-hidee-hidee-ho KC I’m am the heir of our Saint Mags called Mumsy, Even though I’m a toff and I’m ever so clumsy, She taught me all about her true blue Torytown, Where she showed me how to kick pinkos around Kennyboo Hidee-Hidee-Hidee-hi EP Wooooooh KennybooSlidding across the cabinet table Heedey-hee-dee-hee-dee hee EP Shaking his stuff…Hidee-hidee-hidee-ho-hiee- bigum KC Go our and sell our Society Dreamin, To give people things we think theyre needin´, Tell them it is a great society of gold and steel, A diamond car with platinum wheels Kennyboo hidee-hidee-hidee-hidee-hidee-hidee-hi Cleggsy Leaps over the king hodee-hodee-hodee-hodee-hodee-hodee-ho your dudiness Kennyboo Cartwheel, table creaks scoodley-woo-scoodley-woo-scoodley-woodley-woodley-woo Lord Vable Breath in Breath out zit-dit-dit-dit-dittle-but-dut-duttleoo-skit-dit-skittle-but-dit-zoy KC If we win we keep our big houses and racing horses, and each meal we will still eat a dozen courses, we will be worth a million dollars worth of nickels and dimes, all sat around counting them all a million times Kennyboo Hidee-Hidee-Hidee-hi Cabinet Hodee-hodee-hodee-ho Kennyboo Heedey-hee-dee-hee-dee hee GP Moon Stomping Hidee-hidee-hidee-ho…did I just do that? KC Now you must all go out back this idea, or you will all be put in the clink I fear, there will be no money left to pay your bail, and don‘t rely on ken to free you from jail, Kennyboo Somersault Whoooa, yeaaaah, Hey de he de he he, Whoa Whoa KC Don’t think you will put me down with the crazies, or get me squiffy so I’m kicking up those daisies, You've heard my story in this is here song, Just get on your bikes and sing the Big Society song. Kennyboo back flipping Hi de hi de hi de hi Ho de ho de ho de ho Cabinet Stood on chairs holding lighters Skiddley doodley doodly do Skiddly diddly dayooooooooh daydayooooh day…… KC OK Chaps are we all revved up, big society throttle on full, keener than cleggsy to rub mi boots….so…. Cleggsy Your dizziness NOPE KC who said that…erm…Are we gonna hit them streets brothers….DO YOU BEILIEVE Cabinet YES SIREE WE BELIEVE IN THE BIG SOCIETY Cleggsy NOPE NOPE NOPE It not fair you want me to go out and sell this guff but you treat me as a butler, when I’m the DEPUTY PRIMEMINISTER So…. You better think (think) think about what you're trying to do to me I ain't no psychiatrist, I ain't no doctor with degree It don't take too much high IQ's to see what you're doing to me Oh freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, yeah freedom People walking around everyday, playing games that they can score And I ain't gonna be the loser my way, ah, be careful you don't lose yours You better think (think) think about what you're trying to do to me Yeah, think (think, think), let your mind go, let yourself be free You need me (need me) and I need you (don't you know) Without each other there ain't nothing people can do Oh freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, yeah freedom Freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, ooh freedom KC Alright you can be king when I’m on mi jollies just don’t tell anyone Cleggsy Can I wear the crown….and sniff yer ermine KC Go one then Cleggsy YES SIREE I BELIEVE IN THE BIG SOCIETY KC OK get your trilbys… get your dark shades and remember we're on a mission from our God Mumsy …get the big society message on them streets….and remember we are the unstoppable True Blue Brothers especially you Cleggsy..Now GO
GP Your Doziness where cleggsy? Why are you still wearing your strippey Pjs, flannel nightey and a wee willey winkey hat……and a shot gun?????? Stop pointing it at me HRH ARGH Bloody pinko Mutiny Georgie our Cleggsy gone reds under the beds in revolt? I’m gonna shoot the bolshy turncoat… GP OH your Winkiness it’s the AV vote yur upset about. HRH GRRRRRRRRRR Bloody AV HORSE WHIP THE FELLOW….He’s idea above his station….He was in here before saying all the celebs like him. HE’s got a possi and he out to do mi in…BLOODY TURN COAT…..IM GONNA SHOOT THE ROTTER!!! IT’S AV NO NO NO NO GP Your Dangerousness but would that be a fairer system…. HRH FAIR WHO CARE ABOUT FAIR…undr this pinko AV Gordon Oiky Brown would be PM GP Your Scariness but wouldn’t that be democracy if he got mosrt votes….and wouldn’t there be millions of votes actually having an influence? HRH Democracy Georgie Sionce when has oine been toppo about that….electorate who cares…..we can’t have butlers taking over the parlour where would it end….and millions of wasted Liberal Votes bloody gung hoe Georgie….wait that snivelling little weed is here….BANG!!! Cleggsy MISSED! You liar your not a king you’re Prime Minister and I’m after your Job and I’ve got my POSSI to get AV to get your job so you can be my Deputy and wipe my….. HRH WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHOOP WHAP WHAT WHIT WHAP WHOOP WHEP Cleggsy AV is coming down that road and I’m riding that wave OK quiffy HRH GET OFF MY THRONE YOU JUMPED LITTLE PIP SQEAK..AV Will be here old bean over my dead body it will only result in sordid deals between minor parties who get ideas above there station and influence…A NIGHTMARE. Cleggsy You mean like Governing in the national interest dopey HRH BANG!!! YOU LITTLE …..SQAWK GRRRR WOOF WOOF TWEET Cleggsy MISSED AGAIN BIG NOSE Do you realyy think I’ve been waiting hand and foot on you two jokers because I wanted to. There going to be changes around here Mung Beans on the menu…Jesus Boot friendly carpet….and big beards….. GP You’ve really done it now Cleggsy He’s gone rabid Cleggsy Shut it dwarf if you want to keep your job….. Georgi Your Cleverness maybe AV is not a bad idea we could tell people to vote Tory and Lib and Cleggsy do the same the other way round and that way you’ll be in power for ever and ever…. HRH Your battier than a bag of bats Georgie The Butler would be in powerr for ever and ever. I had to offer the Liberals AV or we would be still in opposition….I never thought those stupid lordy loirdies would allow it…. Just say NO ! Cleggsy AH The possi of lovis are here Come in Come in Ah Eddie Izzard my pleasure, Joanna you were great with the ghurkas, Mr Cleese please do the funny walk…you can get lost Mr Robinson we are not that desperate… HRH Georgi who’s in our possi GP John Prescott ……David Blunkett HRH Your having a laugh Georgi GP Your Madness NOPE! HRH We Knackered… GP Your blueness YIP! HRH Lizardy chap take mi ermine gown orft….Joanna put the bubbly down…..its bloody chaos Georgie…..AHHHHH an idea Georgie get the pillows and we will boff em…. GP HRH BOFF BIFF Do your Ghurka war cry now Joanna…….BAFF BUFF you’ll do a different funny walk from now on John…..BIFF BAFF BUFF BOFF Cop for hast you odious butler BIFF BUFF BAFF and again creep..BUFF BAFF BOFF BEFF BUFF BIFF and again….and you lizardy leave mi gown BIFF GP Your Redness That sorted em they are leaving HRH That was jolly good fun Georgie we soon got rid of them…. GP Your featheriness but the campaign will go on and where will we get a butler… HRH Your dam right Georgie…bloody scary what….bl.oody world turned upside down if they win…I’ll have to wipe my own ass georgie and that a price of progress that I am not going to pay. Oh And don’t bother about cleggsy that grovelling two faced toady will slither back sooner than I can say Hello Cl…. DING DONG HRH Hello Cleggsy …..what did I tell you Georgie CLEGGSY Your Highness
HRH Right Cleggsy Suntan lotion, Floppy Hat, Bermudas Check Cleggsy Check HRH Parasol, Elephant gun, fly swat check Bleggsy Check HRH Notted Hanky, Toilet Paper, Jesus Boots check Cleggsy Check HRH Right Cleggsy get your shades your coming with me and Billy Vague going down down in Cairo Town….mixing it with our Egyptian chums….What Eh? Cleggsy Your Hottrottedness Why?…… HRH Democracy Cleggsy….breaking out everywhere in the middle east…..just can’t stop it old bean? Cleggsy Your Oddness So why are you going? Aren’t all your old middle east buddies coming to live near you….they’ll show you up…. HRH Cleggsy I’ll have no truck with that and besides they’re loaded because they’ve been ripping off their countries for years leaving massive youth unemployment….riots…dodgy political parties….rampant corruption….it will be like home from home for them in Blighty…No we are going out to tell them Egyption chappies all about how democracy done….King Farouk will love it. Cleggsy Your Barkingness King Farouk went in the 1950’s HRH DID HE!! Vamoosed Eh…the cad...no one told me….where did he go? Cleggsy You Pottyness it was a peoples democratic revolution over seen by the army with a popular reform agenda….the same happened in Tunisia and it looks Like Gaddaffi’s ducking as we speak… HRH Since when has Daffy bloody Duck been running countries… Cleggsy Your Quiffiness In the UK about a year… HRH No one bloody told me…Have I lost power?….Is mi jolly to the pyramids cancelled? Nanny will be sad. Cleggsy Your Stupendousness No your going everyone wants you to go they can’t wait…just don’t share a room with Mr Vague…it starts all sorts of trouble…We have to spread the good news….pity about Libya…. HRH What? Cleggsy All them contracts HRH (Hides behind a curtain) You mean them rotters want to kill mi? Cleggsy No your scaredycatness The contracts for sniper rifles we sold to support democracy in Libya and APV’s to Bahrain all for the people…. HRH Cleggsy our message is that the response to the aspirations that people are showing on the streets of these countries must be one of reform and not repression." Cleggsy You Greatness So we sell no more arms to dictators? HRH OOOOOH No! Can’t do that….we just sell the same stuff to the new Government…I’m having a chat with Mr Democracy himself Field Marshal Mohammed Hussein Tantawi, Mubarak's former minister of defence..to promote British trade a top foreign policy priority. Cleggsy Your Gasiness How about democracy? HRH I will try to ensure there is a "genuine transition" to civilian rule in mi chinwag to Tantawi Cleggsy Your Hopeless Anything else? HRH Ain’t that enough after all it is people who want to have basic freedoms that we take for granted in the UK." Cleggsy You Dimwitedness you mean leaders ripping off their countries for years leaving massive youth unemployment….riots…dodgy political parties….and rampant corruption. HRH Cleggsy that’s Democracy Ain’t it old bean? Cleggsy Your Foolishness are you having a laugh…. HRH You think its not…Cleggsy where’ve you been for the last few year… Cleggsy Leading the Liberal Party ripping off my country leaving massive youth unemployment….riots…dealing with dodgy political parties….and rampant corruption… HRH So you’re a Democrat Cleggsy…. Cleggsy Your farsightedness I suppose I am….so its nothing to do with fairness, people power, social fairness, political mandates, engaging the people, free and fair elections… HRH Most certainly not Cleggsy where would we be if it was…not in blighty…bloody Sweden pinning for the Fijords I can tell you…That why we have to make sure our democratic values spread as far and wide as possible… Cleggsy Your Cutiness even to our great special Ally US of A. HRH They came around to our way of thinking years ago….Now pick up mi huge great enormous trunk cleggsy…not that one..the suitcase coz I want to ride a camel…were orft
Willy Hague 'Your Highness a message has just come through...it kicking orf in Libya and groups of British are stuck and in grave danger. KC WHAT! WHAT! NO! We can't have that...Show em some cold steel man...send in the aircraft carriers...BY JOVE!!! Willy Your RH That wouldn't be a good idea your highness... KC Why Not? Willy Your RH They don't carry any aircraft remember... KC By Jove Aircraft Carriers with out Aircraft whose idea was that...well lets send in some passenger aircraft to lift orft our Blighty Chappies and send in the fighter aircraft to bomb GDaffy bloody Ducky.... Willy Your RH Can't do that either.... KC Why not? Willy Your RH We laid off all the pilots and cut up the aircraft... KC By Jove an Airforce with out planes or pilots...whos idea was that...tell you what send in the SAS that will show Gdaffyducky.. Willy Your RH Can't do that either.... KC Why not? Willy Your RH They were in Afghanistan until we laid them oft KC By Jove Special forces that are so special no one knows that they ceased to exist including them...Whos idea wasa that...Can't our man in the Kharzi in Begarzi ring them poor stuck Blighty Blighters up.... Willy Your RH Can't do that.... KC Why Not... Willy Your RH We didn't pay the phone bill so they can't ring us or us them KC By Jove no phones whos idea was that...how about...tinternet advice Willy Your RH Can't do that...when they heard nothing from us aftyer trying to franmtically gety through they tried to use tinternet but we didn't reply KC Not answer emails asking for help whos faults that... Willy ....but we are doing everything we can to make sure we get people out and there are all sorts of different means that we can use to make sure that happens when I come up with an idea." KC By Jingo I've got it charter Easy Jet and send a batleship in... Willy Your RH Mr Pickles is in his constituancy but I am on to Easy JET ASAP but there a prioblem we left it so late the plane might not be able to land but if they do shall we charge these refugees the flight... KC Late Whos faults that...but what shall we do in the meantime Willy Your Highness We can only tell them to stay put....keep your head down....don't go out unless you have to... KC What A good idea but how can we sdop that if we can't communicate with them... Willy Oh one of them rang up the BBC after we wouldn't asnswer the phone...and everyoone saying your to blame and that your even inconpetant... KC Whos faults that....maybe its you Willy...I run an arms length government especially when it comes to blame...so pull your finger out Willy...
Later in the flight KC Oh whoopy do we've landed in that star of democracy Kuwait....Lets go and meet the Amir and tell him how to be a demorcat...and push trade....where's my Willy Willy Here HRH... The Amir of Kuwait Welcome Welcome Quiffy Please pull up cushion, have a date...poof on mi hooker... KC Oh Golly Gosh Mr Sabbah...(Puff on Hooker) WOW!!!! sends mi squiffy!!!!! Amir Tell me Ponsynose why you come to Kuwait... KC Well Amiry chappie thingy I am going around telling everyone how good British Demoracy is and you are our closesest and fully democratic ally....that why we fought two wars for you...and I've come to rejoice that your demoracy was given by my nanny to you on independence......(Puff on Hooker) Corr blimey.. Amir You are right big ears my government is ellected and fully accouitable and here they are let me introduce them... Nasser Mohammed Al-Ahmed Al-Sabah, Prime Minister of Kuwait Salem Al Ali Al Sabah, chief of the National Guard Mesha'al Al-Ahmad Al-Sabah , deputy cheief of National Guard Muhammad Al-Sabah Al-Salim Al-Sabah, Deputy Prime Minister and Foreign Minister Jaber Al-Mubarak Al-Hamad Al-Sabah, First Deputy Prime Minister, Minister of Defense Ahmed Al-Fahad Al-Ahmed Al-Sabah, Deputy Prime Minister for Economic Affairs and Minister of State for Development Affairs and Minister of State for Housing Affairs Hussa Al-Sabah Al-Salim Al-Sabah, Director of Dar Al-Athar Al-Islamiya (Kuwait Museum of Islamic Art) Salem Sabah Al-Salem Al-Sabah 1938 - 2007 former Deputy Prime Minister, Minister of Defense, Interior, Social Affairs and Foreign Minister KC Mr Amir chappies is it this hooker or do they all look and sound the bloody same... Amir (Puff on Hooker)....YIP! They do.. KC Are you all related ? In the same family old chap Amir (Puff on Hooker)....YIP! KC Are you from Norfolk Amir NOT BLOODY LIKELY...unless it is for sale... KC Its a bit like my old clan......(Puff on Hooker) I'm decended from the Hanovarians and they were ellectors so thats demorcratic...BoJo is a Wurttenburger Prince by an acteress so hes mi Cousin, Cleggsy a bloody Ruski Grand Duke so he's mi Uncle....Georgies a Baron so I'm his dad...Legs open Wide Lord Strathclude is everyones skeleton in a cupboard...Lord Young is very old so he's mi granpappy..Lord Archers a crook so he's mi black sheep, were all in a democratic Government so that OK and we go to mi sisters pad at Sanderingham and thats in Norfolk so were are all related ...(Puff on Hooker) ...(Puff on Hooker) apart from that pickly chap thank god......(Puff on Hooker) Amir Is that why you all got big noses an web feet KC Oh Mr Sabbah you are alaugh but you carried on being democratic like me in Blighty ever since Nanny pulled her bloomers down on independence day......(Puff on Hooker) Amir 'We carried our demoracy on like yours I appoint the prime minister, dissolve parliament, promulgating laws, referring bills back to the parliament for reconsideration, and appoint military officers democratically. I am immune and inviolable and no criticism of me and my actions are allowed... KC ...(Puff on Hooker) OOOOOOOH.....Chip oft the oold block old bean Amir The new Emir selects a crown prince, and he must be direct descendants, in the patrilineal line, of Mubarak the Great. KC ...(Puff on Hooker) CORRRRRR He Sounds a great democrat..... Amir Kuwait has universal adult suffrage for Kuwaiti citizens who are 21 or older, BUT citizenship is only given to those who descend, in the male line, from residents of Kuwait in 1920 WHO.... KC Are they all from Norfolk ......and per chance are they all call Al Sabbah? Amir NOPE Smelly Breath...Unless you want sell it and Most of em are called Al Sabbah like me..and KC ...(Puff on Hooker) WOW THERE's MORE!!!!! Amir Yip Rubber head Kuwaiti law does not recognize political parties. KC Well pass me a date and puff on a hooker...Amir i'm so glad to see that demorcascy flourishes so well in this open and accoutable kingdom and that you take the traditions of the great mother of parliaments to your open and accoutable heart Amir So true smelly feet KC And Mr Sabbah and if you wanna buy Norfolk you can't cos it not for sale. However you can have Wales or Scotland or there a Place called South Yorkshire and that comes with its own MP and Butler who can translate for yer..Interested?...(Puff on Hooker) Amir gp home you bloody foreigner....nanny pulled her bloomers down for independence in 1970 and we are the masters now... KC I'll take that as a No Ok where mi Willy come on the demoracy road show is orft to the Beacons of Democracy Qatar and Oman. Willy Yes Your Highness Qatar is a Constutional Monarchy with the Emir Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani who is herad of state and head of Government, There's no national elections and the parliament is apointed by the Emir but national elections will be held in 2007... KC But its 2011??? Willy HRH Quite...Elections were democratically postponed by the Emir until 2013after his electorate of one on these matters decided.... KC And Oman Willy Willy Run by his Majesty Sultan Qaboos bin Sa’id Al ‘Bu Sa’id who is Sultan, prime minister, defense minister, finance minister, foreign affairs minister and chair of the central bank. KC He's a busy chap Willy YIP! But rich.... KC Sounds like we could pick up a few ideas Willy... Willy Your Highness Were always open to ideas. KC What happens if it kicks orft and we need to get home. Willy Your HR Sorted... KC Will be relying on our great Mother of Governments comming to the rescue Willy Your RH NOPE! KC Your giving me the willies willy Willy Your RH We have a seceret weapon from M. KC From Mumsy? Willy NO HRH our security forces. KC What is it?????? Willy Your Highness let me introduce (THUMP...a large suitcase is produced) Blowfelt our rocket propelled blow up camel with matching tin hat... KC CORRRRRR!!!! Can we take it to the beach? Willy Your RH you can take it to the beach and then down the gulf at 200 MPH to our seceret base in Diego Garcia...so hold on tight. KC Willy your a genius lets try it out what this cord..... Willy HRH Don't pull the.... BANG ZIP WOOOOOOOSH KC CORRRRR It got two humps WILLY Your Highness its helium filled gas injected engine which works on compressed propane that gives a I = MC exhauist coupled to an intake thrust S = m(c − v) whereby the efficiency is governed by ç = çpçc with cycle efficiency in turbojet and similar which is nearer to 30%.... HRH WILLY! Is it fast WILLY Yip HRH KC Lets give it a jolly bash them Willy...(Climbs on board with flying tin hat and goggles) OK willy contact I'm starting her up chocks away WillEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. WOOOOOOOOOOOSH BANG VAROOOOOOOOOOM (Camel and KC disappear through a hole in the wall and rapidly becomes a speck on the horizon. Willy BYE BYE Your highness where did he go..... WOOOOOOOOOOOSH BANG VAROOOOOOOOOOM KC Reappears with a boufont like one of the Jackson Five.... KC WOOOOW BY BLOODY JINGO JOVE THINGY I've just circled Tehran....they scrambled fighter jets...they couldn't catch mi andt i popped em orf with mi elephant gun....Say old bean couldn't we use these to get the chjaps out of Libya... Willy Unfortunatelly your highness we only have one...its the cuts you know....and we had to make sure you me and the arms dealers were safe got to get the priorities right.... KC By Jove that a bit rich.... Willy You and we are your highness...and more so after flogging some arms....but rest assurred me and cleggsy are in charge and dealing with the crisis in Libya. KC So were up a gum a tree without a paddle...or another fine mess you got me into.... Willy I'm not your Willy for nothing
KC (Arrives in the Hallway of Number 10 sporting large sunglasses Keffiyeh headdress, thawb and flip flops.) CLEGGSY COOOOEEEH I’M HOME……MI BAGS… CLEGGSY (Enters from pantry) Your Highness…..OH MY GOD!!!! He’s used the inflatable camel to rescue Ghadaffi and brought him back….didn’t any on tell him the refugees to be rescued were British EMERGENCY CALL THE FIRE BRIGADE…HEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!! (Running round) KC Cleggsy calm down it is I KC (Removes glasses)….I went native in the Gulf…..I found my inner calm…..do you like mi get up….like mi new bufont...just call me Lawrence. Cleggsy Your Hashiness I’m sooooo glad your back. It’s been terrible….there been a crisis….I didn’t think I was in charge….but I was …..and then I wasn’t…and in any case I close shop at 3pm and at weekends….then the cabinet took over….AND THEN WE GOT A SQUATTER WHO TOOK OVER… KC Cleggsy calm down…..Squatters…NO…The dirty rascals….good job I got mi elephant gun….where are they….in here. (KC Creeps into the parlour pointing his big weapon at the back of an occupied arm chair) HANDS BLOODY UP YOU CAD……ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!! Tony Blair….Cammsy…Welcome back….Its was chaos till I moved back in… Where you been just thought Ild look after things while you were away, your cabinet were running around like chickens without heads….Anyway I have been on the phone to my old mate Ghadaffi and told him to resign…I’ve told Lord Mandy to have a whisper with Ghaddaffi junior or we’ll bann him from Islington…I’ve also had a chat with Banki so a resolution been passed and I sent my old Deputy John to knock some heads together with the FCO and MOD to get our subjects home…they were starving and at risk…and you‘ll be pleased to know we got over 150 out…Oh and I sent a HMS Cumberland to Benghazi pity your scrapping it..Oh and I changed a few of the decos….flaurence llewelyn bowen and Gok have been in doing a bit of a make over….tooo much royal blue for me, the place has gone down the pan. FLB Well Darling Blue is poisonous to those who have no Rock ‘n’ Roll in their soul, whos this? Omar Shareiff Luv the films cootchi I’ve always wanted to be a bond villain, drink far too much martini and then titivate the tassels on the roman blinds....' TB Get Started then Flo.. FLB "Just Remember darling there is no such thing as good taste or bad taste… its just your taste and my taste - and guess what my tastes better than your taste swanny....my idea for the parlour wire framework obelisk, wire trellis and a metal framework bench in a range of chic co-ordinating colours...a garden room in the home..... KC W.W.W.W.W.W.W.WIRE T T T T TRELLIS....IN MI P P P PARLOUR.... FLB Kingy lets go to your boudoir....you wiff a bit darling....camel pass mi a dandy hanky... always remmember sweety I’ve been all over the world, and I’ve seen some extraordinarily beautiful things...like you honey.. Everything I’ve designed reflects this. I love it lush. I love it big. I love it decadent and I know you’ll love it too scrumptious....I'm thinking urban olive YES....four poster gone....hammocks in.....rocking chair gone......bean bags in......and hemp everywhere.... KC WHAT WHAT WHAYT WHAT WHIP WHOP WHAP WHAST TB I don’t do your highness….Flo's quiet good ain't he...and someone had to do something…your deputy was running around like Corperal Jones….he needs to see councillor….mind you not a Liberal one….for stress. The man maketh the moment and some leadership was needed so here I am…..and anyway I’m not a squatter Judi called me crying...and Earl Grey yuck….got some nice fair trade organic PG…the common touch…. KC WHAT WHIP WHOP WHAT WHAT WHAT HOW DARE YOU YAH YOH YIP TB Speechless or talking gansta Camms… anyway … GOK is upstairs redoing your wardrobe….your either square or not there….no one does Lawerance of Arabia so 1960...and no facial hair…ah Gok have you done… KC GOK … GOOOO GAAAAA GUUUUUU GEEEEEEEEEEE….. Gok KC Your square square square….apart from the locked cupboard you naughty king…and remember..floral is in in in this season….Your ermine gown is gone gone gone. And .welcome to Gypsy top, …palazzo pants….a tote bag ….a bold scarf to hold your chintzy crown on and some flowery pumps all for less than £100 in your high street remember with floaty fabrics like gypsy the semi-structured shoulders are really flattering for a pear profile and never forget your HOT TO TROT it's all about the style… KC ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET OUT OUT OUT YOU BUNCH OF FAKE BOUNDERS! TB Anyway Cammy Your back so I’m off to write some more memoirs …..‘How SUPER TONY Saved the World Again.‘ Sounds OK . Like the old days. come on Gok, Florence, Mandy, Bruiser come on were off as our work is done…until next time...tell me Gok have I introduced to my wife…... KC GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (Bright red turning 180 degrees and pointing the gun at Cleggsy) Cleggsy Your Highness It’s not what it seems…I thought you wanted a revamp….so put the gun down….they are dangerous……and….they can kill……………especially ME. KC You snivelling little….. 1, 2, , 3, 4,,…..GET THE HOOKAH and my backy Cleggsy Your Angryness….Take a drag on this KC (Puff on Hookash ) 5,..6,…(Puff on Hookash )7,….8.……9.(Puff on Hookash )………………..10 Right back to government…WOW MAN bring me up to speed. Cleggsy Your osogladtoseeyouness It was awful...Tony was playing his guitar making me sing Kumbiya My Lord every night...Gok made me get pinked spiked hair Purpple Matalan Bubble Hem top, Red La Redoute Ellos Chinos, Yellow Passarella Ballerina flats again all for under £50 on the high street..... because he said make opposites attract with contrasting acid-bright, fruity and bold tones that will instantly update your wardrobe for spring....Do you like it? KC YOU Baffoon The countyry not you...not bad though quite avante guarde. Cleggsty Your smoothiness….Well everything else was fine because I was in charge in mi new duds. KC JUDI THE TRUTH YA TOWN HALL CLOCK Cleggsy OK Rampant inflation caused by an oil crisis caused by a political crisis from our old ally Mr Ghaddaffi….petrol will be £6/gallon…the middle east is in turmoil we are being accused of selling horrendous weapons to dictators who then use them on their people…bank base rates will be rising… KC So wheres the bloody crisis…..sounds like business as usual to me …. Cleggsy Your Suntanniness perhaps I didn’t explain….democratic revolutions are breaking out everywhere and concervative regimes are falling like dominoes……and I didn’t know what to do…..so I rang Tony. KC Democratic Revolution…..the fall of conservative regime…that’s a crisis….I would have rung Tony up as well Cleggsy if I weren’t on mi Jollies…..I forgive you…..now pick mi trunk up..... not that one mi suitcase and take it up stairs….we have work to do… Cleggsy Your Trendyness and your new togs KC not sure bowt the orange or the gypsy skirt and flowery pumps…..but I've seen a nice little Peacocks Royal Blue dress, Oasis Pleated Shift, blue La Redoute Leather Bag,and cloggs with a wooden wedge heel you see.....Kate Middleton was suitably royal in the blue Issa dress for her engagement and its totally on-trend. Blue - from sky to bright cerulean - is making a return for 2011. Good news, if you have a holiday tann like me go bold and deep or when it wears orft embrace the lighter tones..... Cleggsy Would go with the despatch box and you would look like Our Glorious Saint Mags of Milk Snatching all kneel KC Would it......Buy it straight away.....Amen
Richard Benyon is one of the richest MPs in Parliament.
Tory MP Mr Benyon, the Environment and Fisheries Minister, has received income from a family trust which owns a 20,000-acre estate worth £125 million
The Englefield Trust, which owns the land on the Berkshire-Hampshire border, was paid more than £2 million through the controversial Common Agricultural Policy farming grants from 1999 to 2009. In 2009 alone the family farms were paid nearly £200,000, placing them in the top one per cent of beneficiaries of the EU scheme.
Farming Minister Jim Paice has also received several thousands of pounds in EU subsidies for his farm in Cambridgeshire over the same ten-year period.
Mr Benyon was appointed a Minister at the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) last May. Some time after November the department decided to block all information about how much farmers had earned from subsidies.
He's a big wheel and campaigner for the big society...and fast internet and proudly boast on expenses on his website
' Richard claimed only a small proportion of the amount to which he was entitled in the first year he was in Parliament, and even less in the second. He has not claimed anything under this allowance since 2006/7' and on expenses in general
'My view on the current system of MPs expenses is one of total exasperation. Like many people MPs work long hours and most do it for the right reasons. We need total transparency in how MPs are rewarded.'
Is your dander up? Some more hard up Lords? Information is sparse but
Lord Morton, who owns Dalmahoy Farm near Edinburgh, was given a £448,508 handout, while Charles Pearson, son of the 3rd Viscount Cowdray, was given £347,987 to help run his 53,000-acre Dunecht estate in Aberdeenshire. The Earl of Rosebery gained £344,683 for his estate at South Queensferry.
Other major beneficiaries included the Earl and Countess of Seafield, who own Old Cullen Farm in Aberdeenshire, the Duke of Buccleuch and his family who run BQ farms in the south of Scotland, and Mohamed Al-Fayed, who owns Balnagown Estates in Ross-shire, and yesterday sold Harrods department store for £1.5 billion.
The cupboards bare and now we know why.
The following hard up claimants 1 MP 5 dukes 1 prince 2 marquais 4 earls 1 lord snaffled up at least £5.5 million, and thats all we know about in state benefits......and managed to get it covered up.
KC (Comes Running down the stairs in Fez Smoking jacket and tartan slippers) JUDI …..COOEEH where are you……come out come out where ever you are……(Silence) I seek him here…(Trot and look under table) I seek him there (Trots to hallway looks in the broom cupboard) I can not find him anywhere (Looks behind Sofa) Is he in heaven or is he in hell (looks under the aspidistra) that dammed elusive TOWN HALL CLOCK Rattle Rattle (Tries toilet door very firmly locked) Cleggsy Your Tartaness GO AWAY Boo hoo…Leave me alone…boo hoo…I’m sick today…. KC By Jove Cleggsy pull your breeches together man….what’s got your pecker pecked….who is it….have some gin get squiffy looks much better through the bottom of an empty bottle. Cleggsy I lost…..I got the Barnsley chop….we are going to be destroyed at the May elections…the great experiment is over Eric Pickles Alreat your Possiness who’s clackin about Barnsley chop . I ‘ll tell thi summat…never come betwixt a mon and his chops…luvelly wi colemans…Oh wats he chunnering on ere…cleggsy art reet? Cleggsy Sling thy hoook ricardo yed Eric Pickles How *!%@?daret thi clack to mi like tha ya *!%@? Grate *!%@? Nancy girli girl you aint mi *!%@? mucker any more *!%@? Off. KC OH Cleggsy it’s not that bad…..its only you that faces electoral oblivion in first past the post Cleggsy (Toilet Door unlocks and opens)Your Fezness it is bad….I came sixth…4%....I only just beat Howling Laud Hope who’s a monster raving looney KC Do I know him….Is he mi cousin from Barking…..Is he the black sheep… Cleggsy Your Dottiness I meant monster raving looney PARTY KC ARGH!!! Got you old bean….Say am I invited to this party…Is it at the Cartlton Club Cleggsy Your Spaceheadness IT’S A POLITICAL PARTY KC A party for monster raving loonies…..can I join…wait I’m already a member..tell em we already got one….and that enough we can’t have two Tory parties….or is he a member already….. ….since when did we have two candidates Cleggs Your Looney tuneness it was always a one horse race… KC Two runners in a one horse race….sounds like the national and cheating dirty blighters Cleggsy AND we were also beaten by the party with racist bigots KC OK Cleggsy so we beat you but don’t be sore Cleggsy NO the BNP are another party who believe in everything English and St George particularly the make up of the country KC Another party for racist bigots…. can I join…wait I’m already a member tell em I’ve already got one and that enough we can’t have two Tory parties Cleggsy Your scariness we were also beat by the toffee-nosed snooty chaps who want to attack Europe… KC You mean the Labour chappy a Colonel from the Balkans….dirty pinko class traitor wants horse whipping…but I don’t understand a one horse race with three runners… Cleggsy Your dimness No UKIP are a party of toffee-nosed snooty chaps who attack Europe… KC Another party for snooty chaps who want to attack Europe..TALLY HO…. can I join…wait I’m already a member tell em I’ve already got one and that enough we can’t have two Tory parties Cleggsy Your hardworkedness I’m going to be linched by the liberal party…they’ll make me wear sandals and sackcloth and live on lentils for months BOO HOO… KC So they’ll let you orft then Cleggsy Your Hairykneedness we are going to be toast in May…I have to deliver AV or they will sack me…. KC OH Cleggsy sniff give me a hug we’ll always want you…. Cleggsy MUMMY Boo Hoo KC NOPE She’s locked in the cellar that’s enough of that, and there work to do…AV Cleggsy Your Superness you mean come out fighting and say 'I have no doubt that people will try to use this single result to write off the Liberal Democrats….Vote YES for AV KC I think you need a bit more it sounds a bit near the truth and that won’t do old bean. Cleggsy Your Pickmipeckerupness how about 'They have done it in the past and we have proved them wrong and we will prove them wrong again…. Vote YES for AV KC Sounds like you’re a bit of a loser cleggsy Cleggsy AS I WAS SAYING 'In Government, we will continue to do what I think is absolutely vital for the long-term benefit of the country Vote YES for AV KC That will scare people Cleggsy Your Supremeness and finish with 'The truth is that if you vote YES for AV you elect more people like me so remember vote YES for AV’ KC That the spirit cleggsy up and at em…mount your stead (Straddles a hobby horse) and CHARGE at the rotters….Today Barnsley Tomorrow AV TALLYHOOOOO KC (Romps around room on hobby horse blowing a rolled copy of the mail) Cleggsy Your Horseness By god your right….Give me that broom AV bound ready or not Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the wall up with our liberal dead!CHARRRRRRRRRGE Cleggsy (Romping around on a broom with a teapot on his head blowing a copy of the Sun) KC (Opens No 10 front door) Great stuff Cleggsy CHARRRRRRGE FOR AV Cleggsy Your Warriorness AV For England Prince Harry and St George…. KC So You’ve joined the BNP Cleggsy CHARRGE…. (Cleggsy charges out of number 10 and the door is swung shut) BANG KC Well Georgi that was easy? Georgi Porgie You highness that the end of AV ‘just say yes.’ KC Sunk with all hands hopefully Georgie…we couldn’t get a better loser, sorry campaign manager. Georgie Your Fezness he's got an impeccable CV for it… anyone would think he’s a Tory plant in the Liberal Party….. KC You could be right probably an Aspidistra, but what ever he is he’s doing a bloody fine job for us....and can't half devil my kidneys...
'David Cameron's mission to promote a Big Society was dismissed as mere rhetoric yesterday after a charity that appeared to encompass all of its values lost vital funding.
TimeBank, which puts volunteers in touch with projects where their skills are needed, said it was mystified and devastated to be refused a grant and could be forced to close as a result.
Just months ago, Civil Society minister Nick Hurd – who leads the Government's Big Society agenda – was full of praise for the organisation. After speaking at an event in December, he wrote on Twitter: "Happy 10th anniversary to TimeBank! Good event trying to counter cynicism on Big Society." But yesterday the charity's chief executive Helen Walker revealed that its latest funding application as a strategic partner of the Office of Civil Society had been refused. The £500,000 grant represents a quarter of its income and will mean drastic cuts among its 35 staff, a scaling down of its workload and potentially closure.
Yesterday a Cabinet Office spokesman said: "TimeBank was given six months notice, which is ample time to plan for the future."