Number 10 Ring Ring…Ring Ring …..Ring Ring KC: Cleggsy get the blower old bean…Ring Ring ….Cleggsy get orft your anus orribly and answer the blower….Ring Ring….Dam…Hello His Imperial Majestry King Cameron of Hanover England Ireland France Duke of Brunswick-Lüneburg Archtreasurer and Prince-elector of the Holy Roman Empireand lord of all of the Seven Seas, Keeper of the Seven Seals of Mumsy Crypt….Mother of all Quiffs…Lord of Poshness…Speaking Cleggsy: HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!! KC: Cleggsy Where the bloody hell are you….when are you doing tea….toast mi crumpet…iron mi paper… Cleggsy YOUR WOOFINESS HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!! KC: Oh God he’s in trouble where are you? Cleggsy: YOUR CHUMINESS SHEFFIELD HEEEEEEEEELP!!!! KC: What are you bloody doing up there with all them yonner chappies? Cleggsy: Your Smoothness Spring Conference some bright spark not a million miles away said take the arguments to the people after Barnsley? KC: You must be mad them beasts will kill you….have you leaned nothing about demorcacy Cleggsy: YOUR OHSOOBVIOUSNESS THEY WANT TO GET ME WELL HUNG HEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!! KC: Cleggsy see a doctor old boy pop some pills for that old bean your old mucka Paddy Pantsdown swore by them. Cleggsy Your Notsofunnyness they want to kill me HANG ME FROM A LAMPOST HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!! KC Is that right Georgie Georgi Your Excellentness I thought it would make a man of him and we took some precautions. KC Cleggsy they took some precaution you’ll be OK Cleggsy Your knowitallness 10,000 people are marching to rip me apart KC Cleggsy We’ve banned meetings built a 3 metres ring of steel fence around you and sent in 1000 police to protect you all leave been cancelled to mount 24 hour protection now that what I call meeting the people, democracy in action and helping the police to make saving only cost £2,000,000 but your worth it Cleggsy don’t know what we do without you. Georgi Your Spendidness tell him that the Police Chief reported a candid exchange of views with the protesters but that most of them would be peaceful… KC What about the rest… Georgi Well YRH they are going to kidnap Cleggsy and hold him to ransom. Cleggsy Your Ignoramousness I heard that HEEEEEEEEEELP PLEASSSSSSSE!!!!! KC You’re having a laugh… Georgie That’s what I thought but they had to cancel a London Liberal Meeting recently because it was code red emergency the plot was to kidnap Cleggsy and if we didn’t pay the ransom of several million pounds they would release him. KC The bloody cheek of it Georgi its got to be worth more than that for them to keep hold of him…..Amateurs. Cleggsy COOEEEH Are you two listening to me I’ve had a letter from the Right to Work Group stating they will be laying siege to the Lib Dem Conference and if we can topple a dictator in Egypt we can topple the ConDem Government. KC The bloody cheek of it impudent fellow it’s a Conservative Government not a Con Dem one. anyway Cleggsy show some back bone you lilly livered bucket o tripe give it to them…take control..laugh in the face of adversity. Cleggsy Your Cheesiness HE HA HA HA HA HO HO BOO HOO BOO HOO to make matters worse the liberals want to boff me up as well and they are INSIDE the ring of steel…..one of them came up to me and said "How do you feel? You have let everyone down." KC And What did you do Cleggsy Your Quiffyness I shouted over the head of my protection corden "I don't think I have, actually….you great clot…..can’t catch me for a penny cup of tea….and ten gorillas you goon….but your right I am going to take the message forward and be brave HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!." KC Cleggsy you got to do better than that…you’ve got to reach out take command show leader ship…..you growl at them like a wild tiger .’ (Phone put on loud speaker) Cleggsy Your Trueblueness your right I’m going to tell them….."GRRRRRRRR We are in this for the long haul. We are going to keep our nerve. We are not going to flinch. We were right to go into government. We are doing the right things in government." "Keep your head up high. Be proud of what we are doing. Don't be cowed by what people are saying about us. Stick to the course." Georgi Bright red biting a cushion KC Who the hell is WE…..but that the spirit Cleggsy don’t you take any notice of those that say the two things they don't like most about Nick Clegg is his face…. Cleggsy Your Jokiness continuing…"GRRRRRRRRR what we are in politics for… the aspirations and anxieties of people who work hard but are not rich enough not to worry about paying the bills KC (Biting his hand) If there any of these voters there old bean, or even if they are not….it will go down a riot with them…..great stuff Cleggsy. That what I thought your Smugness continuingy "GRRRRRR What would we have done without the Liberal Democrats,….. Georgi Collapses on the floor holding his sides. Cleggsy "GRRRRRRRRR These are early days –You have to work at it day in, day out and deliver over time, so that people see the difference you make. That is what we do and we will continue to do." Georgi Sticks his face in a plant pot HA HA HA HO HO HO HO KC But you clock Orft at 3pm and no weekends…but you tell them Liberal chappies…this will electrify your party to action Cleggsy Your trumpiness do you think so…continuing…You lot may not have liked this or that decision, but at least we cleared the decks and wiped the slate clean…GRRRRRRRR KC By Jingo old chap that will galvanize your party to action…. Cleggsy Your Greatness People in the press wanted to build this up into the Gunfight at the OK Corral. I’m much better now….They don’t scare me for a penny cup of tea GRRRRRRR. KC OK Cleggsy let me know how you go on…we will be routing for you Toodle Pip. Georgi He’ll get murdered even with all that security KC YIP Georgi But YRH aren’t you going to help him KC NOPE Georgi YRH Why not? KC The little toady told everyone I talked a load of bilge and I’ve just lived up to his expectation….. Georgi But who will do breakers KC He will when he comes sniffling back here next week RING RING RING RING RING KC Hello His Imperial Majestry King Cameron of Hanover England Ireland France Duke of Brunswick-Lüneburg Archtreasurer and Prince-elector of the Holy Roman Empireand lord of all of the Seven Seas, Keeper of the Seven Seals of Mumsy Crypt….Mother of all Quiffs…Lord of Poshness…Speaking….Ah Cleggsy…..what…..oh don’t be silly…..of course your old job will be kept opens.it will be hell this weekend…I’ll have to make my own Earl Grey…what would we do with out you OK Tiger… Cleggsy MIAOW
In the home of conservatism Paul Goodman urges Clegg to be so macho You could not make it up.....or perhaps I could.....but I didn't
But whatever his reason is, now that the Deputy Prime Minister has settled on this macho strategy, he must intensify it. He must become the Clint Eastwood of Westminster. The policy areas on which his Party most disagrees with the Conservatives are (AV aside) Europe, the NHS, housing benefit, security, Trident and aspects of localism.
So here's what he should do next -
•Call Cameron a "toff" over AV. On second thoughts, this may not work, since Clegg's also a public schoolboy. Maybe a "blighter" instead. Or "Old Etonian blighter". Or "Bullingdon blighter", if he wants to get really nasty. •Bully IDS as a "baldy" over housing benefit reform. And perhaps add "Left your comb at home, then?", to step up the psychological pressure. He should try this one round the Cabinet table, just to make sure that the news gets out. •Taunt Pickles by chanting "Who ate all the pies?" There'd be no risk whatsoever of reprisals. Pickles is a model of retiring courtesy, as legions of local councillors and party activists can testify, on oath if necessary.
These insults probably aren't vicious and hurtful enough, and I'm sure that regular ConHome readers and our Liberal Democrat visitors can do much better. But whether they can or not, Clegg must move on to his next gambit - physical violence. He should:
•Knee Lansley in the groin over NHS reform. •Give Osborne a Glasgow kiss over bankers' bonuses. He could also try this one on Liam Fox. •Trample on Gove's contact lenses over security issues. These tactics could also come in useful for internal party discipine purposes. For example, the baldness gambit may come in useful with Vince Cable. And just imagine what he could say to Simon Hughes.
Ding Dong Ding Dong………Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong KC What king answers the bloody door….Bloody Cheek….Cleggsy gone orft on a Jolly and his replacement is a waste of space…..PICKLES!!!!! GET THE DOOR!!!!! (Peers through net curtains) KC What the jumping bean is…Georgi the bloody MI6 Escape Pod Mark One Jet Propelled inflatable camel is dashed hovering outside. Ding Dong Ding Dong………Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong KC PICKLES GET THE…..Oh I forgot…PICKLES GET YON DOOR INT OLE AN SEN OOS YONDER ONT DOORMAT. ERIC PICKLES (Comes running into room) Yer Shouted mi yer X£$%??!!! Lord, Who doethink thes callin yer pumped up ponsi hooter X£$%??!!! Cheek X£$%??!!! Layabowt I wer makin thi breakfast tripe n coweel ont toast…Wot thi X£$%??!!! want now quiffy? KC Answer the, Oh dear, Open wood int ole…. Ding Dong Ding Dong………Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong EP Reet oh wats this CLEGGSY MI OLD MUCKER ART REET,….Whyve thi an inflababubble camel….Oh Cleggsy yer mucky pup….I’ld never guessed it you n’t camel wi a weekend away at Scarbrough I wannna barf….any wi at least Im owt er ere…thers nowt in pantry sum won et it all And the bogs got a GREAT blockage…I’ld giv that en a wide berf I can tell thee…anywi I is of see ya cleggs and yer possiness….X£$%??!!! Off. Cleggsy in door way cloths in tatters, wild hair, bloodshot eyes blackened face…. KC O My Gowd Georgi its Cleggs…..Good to see you old bean….but what happened…. Cleggsy Your Kinglyness I took d.d.d.demorcracy to the people of of Sh Sh Sh Sh Sheffields as s s s s someone suggested….G G G G G G G GEOGIE! Georgi Yes the reports are great the man in the middle went down a storm even with a ring of steel. Cleggsy No it W W W W Was more of a R R R R Riot actually and the R R R R RING of steel didn’t stop them inserting this where the S S S S Sun don’t shine (Cleggsy pulls out a copy of the Coalition Agreement.) Cleggsy Your T T T T Trueblueness it was awful….It was S S S S S Scary….If it wasn’t for taking the inflateable J J J J J Jet propelled camel it would have been a M M M M M M Massacre….Vince had to fight them off with his light sabre….It was just a sea of W W W W W Woolly jumpers, beards and dark glasses B B B B B B Baying for my blood and that was only the Liberal MPS….and it Was G G G G Georgi that set me UP!!!! Well let me tell you two I’ve CH CH CH CH CHanged, I ve had to so There is no desire for us for even closer links with the Conservative party we will F F F F F F F Fight the general election as an independent party with NO preference for future coalition partners. KC The worms turned Georgi… Cleggsy You B B B Bet Your Takemeforgrantedness so from now on Lib Dems are D D D D Determined to assert the independence of the party. We are a leftish public sector party, rather than rightish free marketeers. We are to start telling about our "Y Y Y YY Yellow" policies and your "blue" policies. KC You picked the right colour for yourself Cleggsy and what polcies are those are they…. you oppose tuition fees but ask your party to unite behind a new mission: making university access via tuition fees….or. If universities want to charge high tuition fees they will have to open their doors to students from poor backgrounds who will also have to pay high tutition fees…..or is it health where you state no government of which you are a part will tamper with the NHS and then set out to tamper with the NHS….or is it You say it wrong taking money off people and then making them fill out forms to get it back again….and that your answer is just to take money off people……Get the picture yellow belly….. Cleggsy (Now Clamed down) OK OK your Smartypantsness you think you are clever don’t you well at least I didn’t launch the special boat service in a rubber dingy into a desert and wonder why they got caught…Anyway I’m a changed man after sheffield…. The old politics is dying….The battle to decide what the new politics will be like is just beginning…..It is possible, just possible, that it will be a politics for people….and that will be AV. Then it will be Cleggsy the King Maker for EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER." Georgi Your Highness he’s bloody nuts…that insertion must have tripped a nerve… KC You mean the SBS in Libya… Georgi Your Godliness NO the coalition agreement that was stuffed right up his rusty… KC OK Georgi I get the picture…not nice old bean….but the new revamped Cleggsy is bloody dangerous a bit of a red under mi bed Georgi You’ll have to get rid of him… KC Can’t do that old bean…It would mean that oik Pickles moving back in….can’t have that I turn all yonnery and let off wind her there and everywhere Georgi Your Ohsoworridness WE CANT HAVE THAT… KC We have to keep him sweet and keep a crafty eye on him…he has his uses so no more nasty tricks Georgie…say your sorry…. Georgi….Cleggsy…. Cleggsy Yes Georgi I’m so sorry that I set you up in Sheffield… Cleggsy OK Georgi I forgive you… Georgi No that’s not good enough I’m so so so sorry that you had a HA HA copy of the HA HA Coalition agreement shoved up your HO HO HO and that you were set upon by a HAHA HA HA KC HO HO HO HO HO HO HO GEORGI Stop it I can’t breathe Georgi ….Pack of vicous liberals that tried to kidnap you and feed you on mung beans HAHAHA and that when you were on the podium you were booed and called HO HO HO HO HO HO HO JUDI….and that you were terrified witless by a mob of 10,0000 anarchists HA HA HA HA HA HO HE HE….. (Georgie Collapses Cleggsy bright red) KC Oh it was a gape Cleggs I’ve not had so much fun in years..What up old fellow can’t take a joke… Cleggsy No your Jollificatiousness I was busy serving lunch…Eric left some tripe and cow heel stew seems a pity to waste it…Gentlemen dinner is served KC Very tasty Georgie Pickly wasn’t that bad after all it so tender….its melt in the mouth Georgie And the gravy it’s so thick and luscious Cleggsy Your Dimliness Everything is back to normal I’ve ordered the kippers ironed your paper and unblocked the toilet….do you want some more stew there is loads of it…I’m not that hungry myself but it is divine… Georgie Slop it in there Cleggs… KC Baggsy I’m licking the pan… Cleggsy Your Ohbyjoviness I think you already have…. .
KC OK Everyone order, order, take your seats….. Cleggsy Your Highness where mine… KC You can sit on mi stool cleggsy…. Cleggsy NO NO NO That disgusting you dirty dirty.... KC No its not, I’m king, and I can do what I wanna do, where I wanna do, and as keeper of the royal stool it’s your job to well, keep the royal stool… Cleggsy Your Dirtyness I’ve collected enough I’ve got cupboards of it…why don’t you use the toilet like everyone else…its disgusting the way you just drop your trolleys and …. KC No its not cause I like watching you clean it up, OK now sit….SIT….no George I said sit…right everyone I’m not Derrick Acorah but I think we are toast in May…so we need a plan, and Georgi is going to save our Bacon with a fight back budget later today Cabinet HEAR HEAR whats that smell KC Now let me introduce the ‘submarine’ Georgi, over to you Peorgi…. Cleggsy Why submarine? KC He’s the brain of the outfit lurking under the waves…. Cleggsy serve coffee GP Thanks Cleggsy two sugars….….Jesus what coffee bean have you been using it stinks…right we need some good news to take out to the UK public, and you know me, cut them taxes is my name, true blue tory is my game, so we are going to give, yes that’s right, give, the great Britishj people some of their hard earned wonga back by raising the tax threshold by….How much… William Hague Fifty quid….. GP Higher Eric Pickles A Grand un GP What did he say? William Hague a thousand pounds GP (Spurts out coffee) LOWER Cabinet Silence GP OK, Do you give up…..want a clue….wait for it….its £600 yes that right £600/year Cleggsy When? GP No not today, No not next week, or next month ,to you sir….and lady Theresa…NEXT YEAR… Cabinet Silence Theresa May You mean that worth £45 a year which after inflation and the delay in introducing it amounts to an increase in tax for most people…GREAT...this sub going to sink us KC AH you mean the £600 is £45, but after inflation they owe us, but it’s a tax cut…tell you Georgie maths is not my strong point but BLOODY BRILLIANT… Georgi…whats your next idea… GP OK Then Everyone you tell me whats petrol done…. Cabinet Silence GP Yes that right folks its price has gone UP UP UP UP UP UP and what are we going to do, bring the exercise duty DOWN DOWN DOWN Kenneth Clarke So what’s your big idea ban fuel duty…. GP NOPE OH GOD NO…Cleggsy go and get cleaned up you stink….No folks I’m going to defer the rise in the duty, that’s right its gonna be a NO NO NO from me to rises in fuel duty… William Hague But the price of fuel has gone up and so therefore has the VAT returns for fuel and consequently tax on fuel has risen…..GREATLY! KC HAS IT By Jove….you mean we were increasing taxes but saying we’re reducing them thats toppoo turvey groovy Georgi Porgie GP LOOK You chaps are giving me negative vibes….and its no good….for you anyway…I’m OK I represent Tatton so my arse is electorally safe…. Tell me how's yours pickly…up in Bradford oh sorry…sithe how your rusty ole pickly up int Bratfart EP Itchy…. GP OK Chummies ready for my next golly gosh idea…Brand new and coming to you….wait for it…..THE POTHOLE FUND. A whopping £100 million yes that’s right £100 million to fill those annoying holes that make life oh sop difficult KC That sounds a bit rude old bean….are you sure EP Will it cure mi farmers… GP Yes that right no hole will be safe from us with the pot hole fund…what do yer think….. Cabinet Silence William Hague Sorry to spoil the jamboree but has no one told you growth is down down down…inflation is up up up….unemployment is up up up are you going to talk about that KC Bloody hope not baldy…if that cat got out of the bloody bag we’ld be TOAST in May Georgie Your Inscrutableness your so right, so mums the word on that….yes that rigt my next idea THATCHRISM resurrect the old trout… via a shake-up of planning laws, deregulation of employment laws, hit departments that fail to manage their budgets and help for first time buyers even though there ain’t any…and lastly but by no mean leastly the GREEN BANK Cabinet Silence KC What’s a green bank? Georgie Your stupidness Don’t you know? well its erm its a green coloured bank dopey OK... KC So our great idea is to increase tax but say were reducing it, don’t mention everythings up the pipe, some money for filling holes, kicking the manderins and the workers…and painting banks green ....three months ago I would have said Jolly Good Show what a plan… William Hague Your posiness And now? KC We’re toast Georgie Some more than others….. Cleggsy Keep it zipped porgie you haven’t heard my great idea yet your not selling me down the river in May Cabinet turned to a closed double doors KC Oh god… Doors open and Clegsy appears with a bright red nose, large yellow pants, spinning polka dot bow tie, pink bowler hat with droopy flower, bright blue large shoes furiously pedling a unicycle and juggling a set of foam balls….lobs one at Eric pickles Cleggsy Cop for that tubby…Your desporadoness you said get changed….and the keeper of the Royal Stools big idea is… when we appear on TV to sell our policies dressed and acting as clowns…why not you can’t make up the comedy material that idiots just papped on about…some might think we already do this but we need a better angle…and its DISTRACTION…and the comedy opening night is in May….it will be a sell out..(Squirts a soda syphon at Georgie) OK porgie . Eric Pickles (Runing after cleggsy) I’ll land one in thi mush William Hague (Shakes hands with cleggsy) ARGHHHHHH you’ve electrocuted me KC You know Georgie he’s got a piont….and it sounds spiffing fun Georgie You can’t mean ARGHHHHHH (Cleggsy prods Georgie with a brolly as the unicycle passes) Cleggsy I SAY I SAY I SAY What's the difference between a Williw Haig and a coconut? …...One's thick and unhairy,the other one's a coconut! Boom Boom… HONK HONK (Willie Nose is twisted) Cleggsy I SAY I SAY I SAY…When a public sector cut not a public sector cut….When its extending peoples choice BOOM BOOM… WACK Eric gets a large blue shoe up his anus oribly KC I think he on to something… Cleggsy….I say I say I say when a tax cut a tax increase ….when Georgie makes a buget speech WHOOPEEE! KC By jove I think I’ve got it When a crock of X%”£ not a crock of XZS%^& When it’s a coalition policy announcement YIPPEE Cleggsy order the suites…Eric is first….bagsy the squirty flower Cleggsy Your Cocoaness consider it done..
Speaker Order Order!!!! KC We would like to thank the right honerable gentlemen Georgi Peorgi for delivering His Majestys 2011 spanking and spiffing Budget HEAR HEAR HEAR HEAR KC I would just like to say that this budget has delivered saving and sacrifices the great british people stoically blah blah blah blah……OK gang is that it are the cameras and mikes oft….Is the gallery been cleared out by cleggsy…..have them labour chapie oiks gone….are the curtains shut…are the doors locked….are you all sitting comfortably….good then Georgi begin the real budget annoucements Georgi Peorgi OK MP pay will be frozen this year in line with public sector but we realiosed what a load of old tosh trtis was trying to keep ones pecker up and it just was not practical old bean so we sent the Cambridge Mafia around to Sir Ian Kennedy gaff to work a bit of pursasion to change or be changed..and I am please to annouce Staff budgets will be increased by nearly £5,000 and 31 more MPs who live on the outskirts of London can claim rent for a second home. KC COR BLIMEY!!!!! Georgi Peorgi Yes your Rednosedness wwe may be dressed as clowns but this is not made up it is true that MPs will also be allowed to use dedicated credit cards to pay for more of their expenses, and Ipsa will pay their biggest bills upfront to prevent financial hardship. KC OH Bloody hell yes it been grim the last few months I’ve beenb living hand to bloody mouth…no smoked salmon…no champers….I’m shopping at M and S now. I’m living the poverty of Britian. So what a cracking idea…The good times are back only this time this new credit card will mean thousands of pounds of our dashed hard earned expenses will not be flowing through their personal accounts and so can’t be traced. It will cost millions. HA HA HA Georgi Porgi Your Spinningbowtieness it not all good news our demands by the mafia for a return to mortgage payments and first class travel will not be met….for now anyway. KC Bloody hell georgie we can’t be too greedy… Cleggsy BUT why not I’ve heard there this foreign scrounger chappie who has free private travel in jets a champange life style, free housing on the state, has umpteen government hand outs, doesn’t work, has never worked, fathers children and they never work, and he mixes with all sorts of bad sorts, crooks, and ner-do-wells at our expense, why can’t we have a bit of it KC Well now you put it like that cleggsy why not Georgie….just a little towards mi pile…a second duck house or three…new shoes for mi hunter…new hat fer ascot…please Georgi Your Squirtyfloweryness your all being greedy….and the chappy cleggsy talking about is your cousin… KC Is he by Jove….Is he Cousin Wally from Effingham….or Great uncle Hector from Big End…..dodgy lot them I can tell yer all in bred… Georgi Your battiness No its your old cousin Prince Andrew of Windsor formerly Mountbatten…formerly Battenberg….formerly Saxe-Coburg-Gotha currently taking the Prince Michael… KC Georgi DON’T EVER mention the pretenders name in here hes no cousin of mine…there only one king in this town and that ME….OK then Georgi if sacrifices have to be made to live like the oiky people so be it ….the Duck House is out Georgi Your BigBlueshoedness and remember keep it quiet MUMS THE WORD…. KC Is she in on it as well can’t bloody trust anyone these days….....tell me have you heard about Desperate Den Dover the Euro MEP bloody scary…. Cleggsy Your Bigtrouswerness he did take the biscuit and the barrel in a family owned company, MP Holdings Ltd, receiving £960,000 between August 1999 and June 2008 in staffing allowances to pay his wife, Kathleen and daughter, Amanda, as his parliamentary assistants. KC Bloody Hell the cheeky monkey…wish I’ld a thought of that Cleggsy £101,068 of the cash meant for paying wages was spent on three cars, £100,735 was used on renovation to Mr Dover's house and rent was paid to lease his own family's property, £143,486 were wrongly spent on printing, postage, telephoning, entertaining and a small £200 donation to the Tories, and £167,903 in unpaid VAT, and I’m very pround to state it was Chris Davies, a Liberal Democrat MEP, has sent details of the case to the police and tax authorities. KC The dirty scounderal………..just shows you can’t trust a liberal ain’t that right Judi Georgi Your Explodingpantsness NOOOO it’s the corruption your supposed to speak out about not a dodgy liberal they are ten a penny… KC The dirty scoundrel using all that money….public money for all those things OH how I wish…..how I wish held donated more to the Tory Party bloody cheek £20 from nearly £1000000. But it just goes to show we must be careful mum the word…but we ned to celibrate the good old days are back food fight Georgi Your Dosyness Custard flan fight it is then KC Cop for that Cleggsy WHAP Cleggsy Tastes like shaving foam
George Osbourne enters the drawing room of No 10 to find the windows barracaded with sofas and tables and King Cameron poking a elephant gun out of the window and wearing a colander.. George Your tinhatedness what going on..... KC Revolution Georgi Half a million people marching for our blood..all sorts the labour chappie thinks he's Martin Luther King in a suffergettre dress...snarling anarchists...jack booted trots....terrifying womeons institute...howling Tatton's over 60's whist club and the vicious Hove vegatarian morris dancers..if they come down here I'll blast wi mi shooter...show em the cold steel...The BALLOONS GONE UP! MAN THE BARRICADES Georgi The Balloons gone up????? KC Yes I sent Cleggsy up to man the barricades at trafalger square....Geogi bad news the rebels have taken......it very serious... Georgi Your Highness The houses of parliament??? KC Good god whos bothered about that dump, No, much more important Fortnum and bloody Masons has been fallen. reports are comming through it was an orgy of wanton destruction they ate all the Fig Jam, snaffled all the quayle scotch eggs gargled with champers.....bounders Georgi Oh my god Your Truffleness What happened to.....the pinic hampers. KC Told you Georgie Its war!!!! I sent the seceret weapon in!!!! Georgi Your Gentlemensrelishness What's that a tank? KC Yip I sent Eric Pickles to retake Fortnums... Georgi Your Foigrasness Did it work? KC They scattered like bloody chaff......wouln't you if that came charging towards you....problem is we've lost touch with Eric....he last seen heading for the Cropwell Bishop Organic Stilton and pickled sustainable prune aisle....,might not see him for weeks.... Ring Ring Ring Ring Georgi Your RoseGeraniumJelliness that was the police they stopped the revolution the numbers were slighly inflated it wasn't 500,000 rebels it was 50 Oxbridge toffs in balaclavas trying to rob some tiffin, anyway the 20000 police were struggling until Eric turned up but now its all over...but they can't find cleggsy! KC He must have died a martyr in the battle of the Fortnum and Masons for the cause of the Gentlemans Picnic Hamper....a worthy cause....a noble hero...sob...silence for cleggsy. Ring Ring Ring Ring KC Hello Kings Gaff Phone HEEEEEEEELP HEEEEEEEELP HEEEEEEEEEELP KC CLeggsy, GEORGE HES ALIVE, Cleggsy we thought you'ld bought it...Where are you....Are you in Danger...Come home Cleggsy we miss you.... Cleggsy YOUR Highness HEEEEEEEEELP Its worse than Sheffield....There no ring of steel this time and all the police are at Fortnums....They want to kill me HEEEEEEEEELP There's a rebel leader galvanising his troops to attack me..... KC Where are you? Cleggsy Your Highness I'm at the Liberal club.....I did not go to Traffalger square or I would have been lynched....I hid here and ordered a Salad of Mixed Leaves with Feta Cheese and Toasted Pumpkin Seeds and I was poking that down mi pecker when a group of sandle wearing beardos led by Simon Hulne surrounded me....calling me your twin and a traiter and that they are going to do a coup KC Cleggs that sounds awful....Bloody punkin seeds....feed it to mi bloody budgie....no cleggs come home and I treat you to some of my best Bully Beef at the carlton club.... Cleggsy Your Dottiness NOOOOOO they want to get rid of me...and watch your own back I've heard reports that Liam Fox stated a 'brutal dictator who has lost the plot must go' KC Georgi is that right the bloody traitor.... Georgi Your Lemoncurdness Most pople think he was talking about you but he actually meant Gaddaffi. Cleggsy Your Hotpossettness The rebels have air brushed me out of the May Ellection campaigns...Huhne states he wants to take over from me unless we change the name to include the word 'social' and logo must be a bird....and they want to cause trouble by torpedoing your welfare reforms and reposition the party in the hope of doing a deal at the next election with Labour. They are saying. "If the Coalition burns out we will want to regroup and would hope to go into coalition with Labour. That is where the heart of the party is." KC So they want to rebrand as social with a bird...Sound a bit like the Social Democrat with Shirley Williams....say weren't they a bunch of back stabbing hasbeans trying to do any thing tio get in power at any price.....and who destroyed their party and kept it in the wildreness for 20 years that this then led to a the glorius 20 year conservative supremacy under our great ever so blue Saint Marrgeret. Cleggsy Your Rollypollyness Yes they talked about history repeating itself.....the labour party are preparing for an ellection and the BBC are getting ready for more leadership debates and I said that will happen over my and the your dead body....we disagree about nothing KC .....silence Cleggsy Your Highness Hello..... KC Silence Cleggsy COOEEH! KC silence Cleggsy ARE YOU THERE Silence Cleggsy IT IS I CLEGGS THE DEPUTY PM... KC Who? leggs? Cleggsy NO Cleggs Remember? KC No you must have the wrong number. Cleggst Stop muckin about KC We used to have a butler by that name but he left ages and ages ago Cleggsy... It's me cloth ears.....I'm dead meat......I've took the blame for you and your stupid coalition.....and you aren't hanging me out to dry....you great toffy nosed..... KC George call the police we got a obscene caller...I'm going to put the phone down.....For the last time I don't know, have never known and do not want toknow ANYone called Nick Clegg....although I heard a joke which went I say I say I say Nick Clegg said he’d slept with no more than 30 women but now he’s screwing the whole country boom boom. He must be a right loser not that I'ld know OK BYE’" Cleggsy DONT SELL ME OUT PLEEEEEEEEEASE! KC Bye! Georgi Its a shame he was a good butler..... KC Who was? When? Where? Oh Cleggsy Yesterday news chucked aside like a pair of old Oxfords forgotton already we move on to true blue highlands.....but.....he couldn't half toast mi kippers..never mind....more importasnt hings....where are we going to get mi picnic hampers, gentlemans relish, champers, and straw boater for this seasons events Henly, Ascot, even an ellection... Georgi Now Eric has eaten all of fortnums it will have to be Harrods. Al Faffhed sold it to the Qattari Royal Family KC Stone the Crows Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani my old mucker we should get a freebie after all the arms we sold him....problem solved...give him a ring.....OH what a beutiful morning OH what a beuitiful day....(Georgi Joins in) We've got a toppo scrummy feeling everything going our way.......
Cameron dressed in stripy leotard red boots and a pair of huge boxing gloves in the rose Garden of Number Ten with a large manikin dummy BIFF BAFF BOOF KC One two one two OOOOOOOOH BUFF BIFF BAFF KC Jab one two ARGHHHHHHH BOFF BUFF BAFF KC Right hook one two UUUURGHHHHH Boris Johnson YOUR HIGHNESS WHEREY ART THOUGH KC BO JO old bean over here BOFF BUFF BIFF BAFF EEEERGHHHHHHHH Boris cycles into the garden followed by Arnold Swarzeneger whos on a visit BOJO Your tartlyness there a rave for old Gorby are you coming bloody good show on what what corrrr forrr topo kingy tell you ave you met my chum corrrr forrr topo Arno I’ve been peddling around with corrrr forrr topo him. OH why the boxing gloves Nannynoo caught you naughty naughty…. KC NO NO Not Nanninoo just the sport of kings keeping all trim and ship shape last one BIFF BAFF BUFF BAFF BIFF EEEEEEEEEEEEK KC OK Cleggsy we’ll call it a day more boxing tomorrow just stop making those bloody noises you namby pamby Cleggsy Your highness Arnie Kingzy My body is like breakfazt, lunch, and dinner. I don't tink about it, I just have it ok. (Shaking KC Boxing glove in an Iron Grip) KC AHAHAHARRRRRRR……..NIEEEEEEEE Nice to meet you old bean..tell me why you kick your heels around my gaff Arnie Just looks at KC BOJO Your Kinglywingly he a Californian German not Austin Powers KC OOOH Velcome Bonjourni mien senoretta Arnie man comprehendi parlivouz wonderbar DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!!!! Arnie I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved witout resorting to violence Kingy OK BOJO Your Highlymiley corrrr forrr topo be carefully warefully or Arnie corrrr forrr topo will bop you on yer hooter KC (High pitched voice) Ahhhhh Arnie you speak English Tell me old bean why are you paying us a visit…. BOJO Royalyboily .Its Gobies do, we’re invited corrrr forrr topo free nosh cucumber sandwiches gallons of champers corrrr forrr topo with Sharon Stone and Doing Dong Goldie Horne Arnie YOU GO NO VERE NEAR GOLDI OK OR I’LL BE BACK….. KC BOJO (High pitched voice together ) OK! Arnie Now Kingy vere ist Cleggsy he wrote me note inviting me Cleggsy Here I am oh have you all been introduced great now are we ready to go to Gorby birthday bash…. KC BOJO Cleggsy….Your not coming go and do some cleaning… Arnie My Little Cleggsy ist coming with us….he ist my biggest fan.. Cleggsy Your Highness didn’t you know thought I’ld surprise you we’ve been pen pals for years…Arnie was treated like a second class politician for a while rather like me..We just hit it off.. Arnie Yes dat ist true I know a lot of athletes and models are written off as just bodies. I just use my muscles as a conversation piece, like someone walking a cheetah down 42nd Street…and Cleggsy tells me you have been hard on him….let me tell you this if it bleeds, we can kill it understand. KC OK ARNIE I’ll get your coat Cleggsy am I driving…..you can wear the boxing gloves tommoz cleggs I‘ll be the dummy OK…..mi old old old matey….tell me why are we celebrating Gorby…who the devils is he… Cleggsy He was a great leader…. KC OOOOOOH Cleggsy Who turned his country around….by open government….none stop reform bankrupting the country to the point of destruction. He was so great he destroyed authoritarian regimes and the Russian empire single-handedly giving freedom to the common people KC Tell me old bean why are we celebrating that sounds a bit dangerous to me……. BOJO Kingy Saint Maggie yar boo diddle boo said he was her best mate….and you’ve been copying im in part at least Arnie Oh Kingy it vill be fun so laugh…. KC Bloody hell ripply arms HA HA HA HA any mate of Saint Maggie is a mate of mine and I’ve not been hard on cleggsy he’s my Deputy Arnie Deputy Cleggsy tist the leader now… KC Bloody Hell good one arnie HA HA HA HA Arnie If they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men OK Girliman I’m not joking Cleggsy is the leader now OK or you TALK TO THE HAND! KC OK Cleggsy Yes and there going to be changes quiffy…and if you don’t do as I say I’ll ring Arnie hes my big ripply mate Arnie The best activities for your health are pumping and humping kingy and I’m getting Angry so you say sorry to cleggsy and that he is Primeminster now…you been very bad on him….sending him to Sheffield calling him Judi Cleggsy Yes go on tell me who’s primeminister KC Bog off you rotter… BOJO That’s torn it Arnie SAY IT (Arnie Grabs hold of KC and raises him above his head spinning him) Cleggsy I’ll just borrow these gloves BUFF BAFF one two your highness KC Wo Wo Wo Wo You Are Prime minister ……over my dead body wo wo wo wo Cleggsy OK Arnie kill him….Hasta la vista, kingy Arnie puts KC down KC and Arnie APRIL FOOL CLEGGSY!!!!!!!! KC Yip that wiped the smile off yer face Judi….Yip we’ve known about those snivelling letters from Cleggsy your number one fan for months….all them pictures of you dressed up as terminator made us laugh for ages…..no me and Arnie he’s descended from the Habsburg Emperors so were cousins OK and we thought it a bit of a jape if we pulled a fast one on yer Cleggsy Its not fair KC NOPE Now we’ve got a few moments to kill before Gorbys party so we’ve time for a few parlour games… BOJO KINGYWINGY how about a game of hunt the coalition agreement …..what the butler saw….blind mans buff….. KC No it will need surgery to retrieve that agreement…..oh I know splat the rat….OK Cleggsy starter for three got yer bat Arnie BOJO Ready Arnie Yes What helps me is to think of this pain as pleasure. Pain make me grow. Growing is what I want. Therefore, for me pain is pleasure. And so when I am experiencing pain I’m in heaven. ” BO“I love splat the rat with a passion. I challenged Boris Becker to a match once and he said he was up for it but he never called back. I bet I could make him run around.” KCOK Last one to splat the rat three times is as cissy Cleggasy (Dressed as a rat) HELLLLLLLLP!!!!!!! Vamooooooooooos KC Ready Steasdy Get splatting
In the parlour of Number 10 KC Oh George I’m board board board…yesterday was mummies day….so we had to let her out of the cript…all pray….she liked the bouquet of venus fly traps…..and returned before midnight….but what are we going to do now Georgi Your blankness we could throw things at cleggs… KC Done it….. Georgi Beat up a tramp KC OH NO NO NO….might catch something Georgi I was talking about John Prescott KC Oh NO NO NO he might beat me up….and I'll catch something like a northern accent Georgi Your Royalness there is a stag do coming up but I’m not sure if you want to go on it…. KC OH TOPPO were we get squiffy, dress up, and throw up in the street…when where Georgi Your keepcoolness It’s a chappie called Prince William… KC Who’s William Prince? Georgi No he’s second in line to the throne…. KC Is he by god…..well nobody told me….is he mi long lost brother….or mi other brother who we don’t speak about known as the black sheep BAAAAA because he is just that a black sheep….Daddy had some funny habits Georgi Your Oddlyness no his Gran’s on the stamps he called Prince William Windsor KC Off course he called William Prince wins her he’s getting hitched.. Georgi Your hardworkingness WINDSORS SAXECOBOURG-GOTHA BATTENBURG, MOUNTBATTEN they had loads of names but they are the kings and queens of the United Kingdom… KC Where that? Georgi HERE KC You mean they are pretenders to my throne….OH WAIT is it that foreign lot I go and see every week in that shack in the centre of London… they always courtesy and bow to me can’t understand a bloody word they say….especially the old buffer who smells of kebab Georgi They are bowing to Queen Elizabeth not you…you go and report how her government, you , are doing, we are their servants, we pay them a pension…Elizabeth is Queen, the old Guy does a mean moussaka, the one with the ears is lord of the Isles, the other one with big ears has dodgy mates, the other one with big ears is a dodgy actor, the one with big teeth can eat a apple through a tennis racket, and the one in the German uniform is a hellraiser…. KC TREASON CALL OUT THE GUARD!!!! I’ll soon put a stop to that lot pension an all …I’ll make him lord of the shopping Aisles, the other King of the Donners, oh but the one with big teeth she a bit of a dish! Reminds me of Betty mi hunter so much better than daddies sheep....ANYWAY we're not going on that stag do…Hellraiser PAH!! they all seemed rather BOFs to me not like the Bullingdon Berties…What Georgie. RING RING RING RING Cleggsy King Camerons Abode…What who’s speaking….Your highness Ed Balls for you…. KC GET RID OF THE OUDIOUS MAN I HATE HATE HATE HIM 1, 2, 3,….4,……..5………….6 all calm Cleggsy Your Cherryredness he’s inviting you to a stag do…Mr Milliband’s KC Why on earth would I want to….wait Georgi why not…the Bullingdon Berties can hit town once more…we’ll show them Winders what hell raising is all about….OK Georgie underpants on heads lets sing our song KC Georgi Bullingdon Berties here one is, Chaos we deliver and toilets we miss, From Oxford and posh that us by far, Not Oiks called winders so shout HUZZAH…..GRRRRRRR Cleggsy Your Oddliness it’s to be done in political drag….and I’m invited too KC Cleggs Tell Ballsey we in…OK Bagsey I’m Margeret….Georgi you can be Theresa…Pickles can be Anne Widdicombe…Cleggsy you can be Eggwina Curry….Boris will go as himself…Can’t wait we’ll show them Labour Oiks and them pretenders what hell raising really means…….. TO BE CONTINUED
KC Georgis fasten mi corset up. Georgi Cor your girliness your could be Saint maggs twin amen KC Do you think so georgi the blue rinse matching hand bag and red lipstick do the trick…..corr Georgi you’re a bloody ringer for Theresa where did you get the wig DING DONG DING DING Cleggsy walks to open the door KC BLOODTY HELL I thought Eggwina had retired CORRRRR there’s all this hot totty about Cleggst It is I just call me Cleggwina OPENS DOOR Eric Pickles walks in EP WHO’s x%$***** idea was this get up…I loooook a reet nanby pamby idyet in this garb Anne S&%$£ Widdicombe and mi £$%^&* wig is itchy as ell KC What did Doris Karloff say? Cleggwina Hes pleased he’s here KC OH Good where BOJO Bearded lady arrives in a blue ball gown on a bike smoking a pipe. BOJO KINGLY WINGY how do I look fiddly boo brought a mucker as well KC SPIFFING Just like at Oxford good job I’m bloody hitched or you hot gals wouldn’t be safe I can tell you ladies except Doris she’ld be safe and who’s your mucker looks like Nannynoo Bojo ARNIE Kingsy it is I Arnie Swarzewnager I thought I come as your old English Nanny I like your old lady boy tradition for some uzzi sorry boozy fun…tell me who dat thereza….pumping and humping is gut for mien health…ok pussycat Georgi MIAOW KC OK everyone we’re going for a reunion of the Bullingdon Berties so for tonight only Cleggwinai, Doris and Nannynoo are right Berties, no titles tonight only character names so knickers on heads and sing our song ALL Bullingdon Berties here we be, Chaos we deliver just you see, From Oxford and posh that us by far, Not Oiks like Labour so shout HUZZAH…..GRRRRRRR OK Crew down to the carlton club for a few jolly pick me ups, over to the [auto mod] and Duck to meet up Millipede chappie and then we go over to Annabel’s and show them foreign pretender deadlegs how hell raising should be done Later at the Carlton Club….. BOJO Puffing on his pipe Is Scran laid onny bonny Can’t scoop on a empty stomach KC OK Everyone come through take a seat for a spiffing bullingdon lunch its Curried Chicken Madrarse you have to insert your face into the bowl and trough it without using your hands. Its nearly as lovely as Cleggsy tripe stew. That was delicious Cleggwina but I had a bit of a dicky tummy after it….could it have had something to do with you adding the contents of the toilet blockage. Just so you didn’t miss out you’ve got double Cleggwina….and in case you want a drink there a pint of egg nog to wet yer bloody wisrtle OK last one to finish is a ninny Arnie Vas ist dis slop KC Lunch ripply fellow….ready steady go…… Sounds of troughing slurping burping….gurgling of egg nog Eric Pickles EEEEEEH BY GUM This is reet good nosh finished. Arnie Finished ist KC Finished I think mine was a Korma BOJO Yum Yum where mi pipey whipey Georgi Hoarse Voice FINISHED KC Let me see OOOOOH dear Cleggwina old bean your last what a surprise come you ninny finish off, no, ok then it’s forfit time is it to be truth or dare….that has to be dare Judi OK Three shots of absynth down in one EASY Come on everyone Everyone EASY EASY EASY EASY EASY HUZZAH!!!!! KC OK everyone pick him up and shake him….chuck him about Cleggsy I don’t feel welll OOOOOOOH Put me dowwwwwwwwwn….don’t through me at Doriiiiiiiiiiis. I think I need the toilet VAMOOOOOOOS KC OK Clegwina next time follow the tripe stew recipe…..OK gang I think he’ll be a bit so lets drink our nog and sing,…knickers on heads… All ‘Bullingdon Berties we can eat pure glass….Only ninnies have got a big cherry ass, From Oxford and posh yes we are, Hell raisers true so shout HUZZAH!!!!! ARNIE Vot language dust Doris Karloff zing in ERIC P £$%&!!! Off bean ed pull mi finger ARNIE OH How Do You Do (Shakes hand) ERIC Good Ass cop fer that riply Arnie Oh mien god some ting hast died KC OK Gang ready to move on……. Later at the [auto mod] and Duck…… Georgi Ballsy we’re here where the happy groom… Ed Balls He’s drunk and collapsed Georgi I thought you said come in drag why aren’t you lot dressed up as tarts. Ed Balls I did say come in drag but I didn’t say we were in drag. We just did it for a laugh at your expense..OH smile photographer from Daily Mirror over there…. KC YOU ODIOUS LITTLE MAN….I‘M SO ANOYED I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF FIVES ED Balls Go on then quiffy and I’ll nut you… KC I‘M MAD A BOX OF FROGS GEORGI STOP HOLDING ME BACK Georgi I’m not KC You don’t realise how lucky you are Ballsy ED Balls what to get a better degree mark than you and not to look like an old tart KC GET OUT OF THE WAY GEORGE I‘LL HAVE HIM Georgi I’m over at the bar ordering the slammers KC I think I’ll come over this room ain’t big enough for the both of us bally…..that sorted him out George…. Georgi Terrifying remind me not to get you angry KC Millipede chappy wakey wakey (Milliband collapsed on bar) Milliband OOOOOOOOH Stranger at Bar HEIR!!!!! KC BLAIR!!!!….TONY HI! I’m no heir I’m a queen Tony Blair Your right there Heir….GOK come and look Gok Wan OOOOH Kingy you’re a Queeny luuuuuuuv it Oh quick get your drinks into the hall they going to do a toast get your queens hurry you cheeky cheeky man Arnie Yes everyone get in the hall it vill be a surprise quick quick…. Gok leads the KC possi into a very dark room.. KC BOJO its bloody dark in here BOJO Can’t see a bloody thingly wingly Eric Put a £$%&&& Penny int gas or if yer want sum pull mi finger Arnie Ist this fun or wat GOK OK EVERYONE LIGHTS MUSIC AND ACTION….and folks welcome top Goks fashion show we’ve got some cheeky Tory ladies for ypu to OOOOOOGLY BOOOOOGLY at remember its all about the style KC GEORGIE, BOJO, DORIS PICKLES, CLEGWINA find themelves on a stage with most of the labour party and press in the audience wolf wistling and ED BALLS John Prescott shouting get them orft….and a beaming Blair with Arnold Swarzenager KC OH NOOOOO!!!!!! Arnie OH YAH ….APRIL FOOL KINGY!!!! Meet mien good friend Tony We were how you say muckers with George Bush and spent ages with each other. He asked me toi get you here and on that stage…and to keep you there OK so laugh…..I SAID LAUGH YOU QUEEENIES…. KC GEORGIE, BOJO, DORIS PICKLES, CLEGWINA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!! CROWD HA HA HA HO HO HO HO GOK OK Cheeky Peepies the show you thought you’ld never see First on the catwalk is Georgi………I said the first of our Queens on the catwalk is Georgi Porgie pudding and pie hes a queeny and he doesn‘t know why……. Arnie Queeny get WALKING Georgie (HIGH PITCH) OK! GOK Yes Georgie Dresses for his hourglass shapes and make an entrance with this silk dress that ticks all the right boxes when it comes to colour, shape and style , its been Luxed up with this gold and snakeskin belt - check out the supportive multiple straps on these on-trend sandals and it will ensure his dancing shoes stay on all night it's wham glam, thank you mam Crows CHEEERS Gok Next up is BOJO Yes he pricey but he stands out from the crowd in this amethyst-coloured dress with a plunging neckline and layered frill sleeves. Fashionable and practical, his mock-croc hand bag will take you from office to evening with your meerschaum pipe. Finishing off with classic patent court shoe they have a mid-height heel so equally good for work or play Work yer booty BOJO Crowd Cheers Bojo get yer buns out Bojo get yer buns out Na NA NA NA NA BOJO BOG OFF OIKS! Gok Heres Clegwina with a flattering pencil dress with a touch of red that will bring out her va-va-voom. a red patent bag to complements as accessories like this inject colour and interest into a monochrome look.. Clegwina completed her look with ladylike cream courts with a wooden heel. It all about the style KC Chaps they’re making us look right charlies and we’re hell raisers Georgie Yip but your mate Arnie will duff us up unless we have a plan KC By jove yes Remember the battle of Fortnum and Masons Eric Tattood on mi art Georgi That right the plan is Eric will do a frontal charge while Bojo and Clegwina do a feint that will leave time for me and KC to do a flanking attack towards the fire exit and then we do a fighting withdrawl are we all in on this…. Bojo All for one and one jolly for all lets sing the song knickers on heads All ‘Bullingdon Berties we can fight like mad….get our dander up and we are jolly bad, Oxford toughies yes we are, fearless fighters so shout HUZZAH!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Gok Here Doris Karloff her gorgeous empire-line maxi dress is perfect for drawing attention away from the tummy area, and it boosts her boobs, tones her tummy, and skims her hips and with an Alligator belt as her best friend - its pulls in at the waist, like a corset, finally she glams up with these fab peep-toes. The platform sole will give the illusion of dainty ankles and calves. give it large tiger and don’t run down the catwalk I said luvvy don’t run the catwalk your jarring my teeth Eric CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!! (Lauches off the catwalk in a body splash) Arnie Oh Mien God ….Das ist more scary than terminator….I’m ut of here Asta la vista Tony Bojo OK Clegwina lets attack you biff baff boof Gok with your patent leather handbag I’ll stick mi court booty wooties on Blair Gok OOOH AAAH get off you big strumpet OOOH AAAH Blair Order John Prescott to role in with a counter attack OOOOH AAAAH KC OK Berties we’ve secured the exit retreat Later outside KC Well we sorted them oiks out and that we are the masters now……next stop annabels and them pretenders….. BoJo Spiffing I’m luvving it like the old days ponsing about in dresses and boffing the reds Eric Reet £$%&&& mess that was….OOOOH Mi panties av got stuck reet up the crack of mi…… Clegwina Are you sure we ar the masters now KC Top of the pile
Part Three The intrepid stag group led by King Cameron dressed as Saint Maggie, Nick Clegg dressed as cleggwina, Eric dressed as Anne widdicombe AKA Doris Karloff, Boris Johnson as a bearded lady and Georgi as Theresa May
The crew approach Annabels night club for the final round of the stag night with Prince William just as KC dressed as Maggie is propelled over their heads onto the street.
Clegwina Bloody hell ……what happened there…. KC TWO HUGE Goriillas said it was invite only and I wasn’t on the list.. Clegwina OH I forgot It’s invite only and your not on the list….I am, oh hello gorilla man it is I clegwina and her party I think you’ll find we are expected. KC Gets up dusts herself off and straightens her wig…knickers on head everyone and sing .Bullingdon Berties the true queen is here, hell raising as they go for all to fear, From Oxford and posh the true monarch we are, Not Jolly Foriegners called winders so shout HUZZAH…..GRRRRRRR OK Clegwina lead the way… Prince Wlliam Oh Jolly good show….Daddy its Gramdma, Step Mummy and their lasdies in wanting Prince Charles Is it Oh by god they are tiddly widdly Duke of Ed Του όχι Μούμια το ότι quiffy cameron, που δεν θα μπορούσε να χτυπήσει μια πισινού αγελάδες που είχε με ένα μπάντζο Prince William What did Gradpappy say Prince Charles Don’t know something to do with a banjo…anyway these aren’t mummy and dearest it’s the prime minister….dressed as Queen Victoria and the Cabinet as Dot Cotton, Hatti Jakes and a bearded lady….mind you dress code is fancy dress…. Prince William Is it Pop what did we come as Prince Charles ..Grandad came as a Ruritainian comic Grand Duke, I came as a wing nut, Auntie Anne as Shergar, Uncle Eddie as a pipe smoking bearded lady, Uncle Andy a gangster, and your bro as a member of the Nazi Party…. Prince William I thought you said it was fancy dress….Ah Mrs Cameron welcome KC Mr Windsor so pleased to see you and nice for you to come to my party…tell me who invited Colnel Gaddiffi. Duke of Ed Πώς τολμώ να καλέσετε μου gaddaffi. Ασκούν και θα srtick μια σουβλάκια kebab δεξιά επάνω σας queeny τρύπα σκουριασμένο κουκκίδας Prince William Daddy what did grandpops say….Oh Mrs Cameron it my stag do…bit of a low budget affair since all the cuts and redundancies Uncle Andy and Bro lost their Jobs, Grandma lives in the garden shed at the palace so people can visit, grandad has had to reopen the kebab shop….daddy diversified from that with pass the duchy hobnobs and I even had to hire my own DJ he’s rubbish….all since you weren’t elected and formed a government KC Its been hard for all of us…I had to travel by bloody Ryan Air so I feel for you sacrifice, any way we are out on a night of hell raising so good job we cam around to liven up yer evening show you whats its all about with a few games and japes….can I just tell you ….I just LOOOOOOOOVE those ears. Tell me why didn’t you park yer transport outside Charlie won’t it do a dirtie pile on the shag pile Prince William Prince Charles BLANK EXPRESSION Prince Andrew Harry Edward Even Blanker expression Duke of Ed ZZZZZZZZZZZ……… Cleggwina That’s Princess Anne BOJO Is it by Jove Ding Dong I luv horsy action…..tell me annie poo do you want some champers…..see you in a bit girlies Georgie OK everyone lets play some games first hell raising act drink a short eat a scotch bonnet chillie then shout HUZZAH repeat three times volounrteers for team Clegwina and Doris vrs the Comic Duke Noddy and big ears…..OK ready steady go Club Crowd EASY EASY EASY everyones tucks in getting redder and redder apart from the comic duke and big ears who scoff them easily HUZZAH Duke of Ed Εγώ δεν πόσιμο αυτό βότκα σκουπίδια μου λάβετε ορισμένες ούζο και σας επιτρέπει να πάρετε Excellent μεθυσμένος.
Clegwina You cheeted big ears changed three times Prince Charles, Andrew, Edward, HOW DARE YOU! dorisc Oh £$%$£$%% thar’ull give me bloody wind….I’ll be £$%%$£$% pebble dashing the £$%%$$£$%% WC Prince Harry Right I’ve got a game Truth Lie or Dare rules very simle you chose one and the person next to him decides if its truth or a lie or names the dare, loser drinks a shot….Alright get the vodka sit around the table KC Wheres BOJO? Georgi Riding a derby winner last I saw Doris lucky £$%$£ beggar Prince Harry I’ll start TRUTH I look like my dad KC YOU LIE Bloody obvious he hasn’t got big ears, or a bald head or dark hair Prince Harry TRUTH who talking about jug ears you lost so drinky poo KC Glug Cleggwina My GO TRUTH...... I never lie The Whole Room LIER PANTS ON FIRE! KC You lost that judi have a shot Prince Charles LIE I won’t be king Georgie OK NO that s the truth…. Prince Charles Oh doris dare KC Give Prince Dodgy actor a kiss Doris I thowt thi never £$$££$$$£!!!!! Ask….com ear tinkerbell cum owt cum owt wher ever thi are…. Prince Edward TEE HEE TEE HEE Doris Got thi BIG SMACKER on Eds lips Prince Edward Oh my god pass me the vodka that was a anus orrible it will be sore for weeks…I’m traumatised Duke of Ed Σας lucky devil Edward έχετε επιθυμούσα μερικές totty όπως αυτή για την rumpy pumpy για χρόνια μεταβαίνει μου το ούζο Everyone Says Nothing Duke of Ed tut tut takes three shots in one Cleggwina DARE KC Tell the truth Judi Cleggwina Pass me the vodka Later KC Gergi Pergi I think where’ve gort the edge on this lort, burp, Georgi a few more gooooos and we ll have em, hic, KC look they’re on, burp oh dear, the verge of collarpse Cleggwina bullingdon bertiZZZZZZZZZ HIC Doris BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRP Pass mi the £$£$$!!! Bottle jug ed Royal stag party looks vacant Prince Charles OK there you all look a bit Squiffy perhaps a dance will help strike up the Hockey Cokey KC HIC come orrrn chips get up wakey wakey Prince Edward Oh goody a dance come on chaps line up last group standing is a narna Prince William DJ I luv Jazz but have you got the hokey Cokey KC .Oh I’ve just got to tell you I just LOOOOOOOOVE those ears Kennny Boo Clarke DJ.. Scooby dooby get doody you cats cut some rug man….to the Hokey Cokey Duke of Ed Óôï óðßôé ìå ôçí bazooki üëïé ìáò ðßíïõìå ïýæï êáé ôïõ ÷ïñïý Prince Charles good idea pops OK everyone get yer vodka it has to be finished before the music ends of we go KC WOOOOOOAH hokey cokey glug glug George You pusht the left leg in hic glugg Prince Ed left leg out Prince In Out In Out In out In Out SHAKE IT ALL ABOUIT Doris Tharts BURRRRRRRP wot its £$%$£!!! About CRASH Eric last man standing from KC crew collapses Prince William OK get the cameras Uncle Ed….Auntie Anne…..Bro we want some good poses…with this lot just remember they put you out of work, made granny live in the garden shed, they call pops a Greek and Camereon says that he is the true king.. Prince William OK HARRY you’re with cleggs, Anne you pose with Doris, Granpops with Georgie while Uncle Ed gets Cameron. And action Ed great keep the pose, Anne work it honey, Grand daddyσας γρήγορα ενθουσιασμένοι προσεκτική με σας dicky ticker and Harry don’t hold back fantastic go man go and cut…..That a wrap folks get the gorillas to wheel them back home BOJO you can stay your one of us and anyway Grandaddy likes bearded ladies. BOJO Ding Dong KC We Shoooooed em ZZZZZZZZZZ Next Morning KC wakes up in bed KC ARGHHHHHHH Cleggs I’ve had a nightmare it was awful OOOOOOOh my head Cleggsy ARGHHHHHHH wakes up in bed next to KC KC OH God they’ll think I’m like John Major DING DONG DING DONG KC Get he door cleggsy Cleggsy He leaps out of bed and returns with a mysterious package KC quick unwrap it oh its some pickies great super oh no whos that…its disgusting its sordid…. its its you cleggsy with a storm trooper and Eric and Georgie with a, oh no and me with …..is that real. God we were hell raising oh and a note….so it was true not a nightmare KC Oh Hello Georgie I’ve had second thoughts perhaps were hard on the Windsors find some dosh so she not living in a shed, get tickets for the empty theatre and a large donation from the arts to the really useful theatre company will be OK, just forget about Andy being sacked and keep one tank for Harry..put a bet on the national ….and order some Duchy cookies there scrummy Yes we showed them how to hell raise but they’re not that bad…. Cleggsy So your going back on all you said, did and will do… KC I realised the error of my ways Cleggwina sorry cleggs…taking a leaf out of your old book…..now give me those picks get me an ice pack I’m orft to bed.