Post by nickd (Mylegal) on Apr 11, 2011 23:37:59 GMT
Ikbikb - after just having a sound off on another thread - it's always good to read your hilarious stories of what really goes on in and around Westminster; - you're the spitting image replacement for Ilegal -keep them coming!
Cleggs Your Trollyness I’m off tomorrow so I’ve made you lunch Ironed your smoking jacket dusted your fez and put the champers in the cooler. Think you’ll survive… KC What What What your leaving for a whole day, who’ll do mi kippers who will I kick….your last replacement was awful large northern swearing bruiser Cleggs Your Cheeriness your might have to do a few things yourself but you’ll manage to tie your shoelaces, read the papers, answer the phone… KC GOOD GOD Standards cleggs Standards Answer the phone that’ll be the answer machine ….tie my shoelaces that’ll be tartan carpet slippers….read the paper….forget that….tell mi cleggs where’re ya orft? Cleggs Your Serendipity ERRRRM ERRRRM Tea will be served in a minute menu is boiled quail eggs, followed by devilled kidneys and finished of with stickey toffee pudding. KC OOOOOOH GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS sticky toffee pudding….but cleggs where your oft…I’ll let you borrow mi hamper and shooting stick Cleggs You Dogwithaboneness we thought that we start the election campaign with a jolly up north with an erm twist KC OH are you letting people strangle you cleggs go down a bloody storm….toppo idea… Cleggs Your Coochiness we thought we would push the concept of Liberal Magic and assert our independence in the remit of a agreed coalition where we are its social conscious… KC More twaddle cleggs…. Cleggs Your Scepticalness we’ll see… Later KC on the Phone KC Georgi quick answer the bloody phone….Ah Georgi come round quick….no this is not the answer phone…..yes I do know how to use the phone I’m not lazy or stupid….well I can use the phone….see yer in a mo… DING DONG DING DONG KC Georgi come in news cleggs is launching his campaign Georgi Your highness you can open a door fantastic a man of many talents….Ah clegg well that little toady will be slagging you off not defending the achievement of this conservative coalition. KC What’s the conservative coalition and what ‘s an achievement…..Aven’t heard of that before Georgi Your Dimness I’ll just say the toady will be calling YOU. KC What, on the phone, thank god for that he can tell me how to switch the light on…..and orf again Georgi Your uselessness no he will be insulting you in a public meeting that’s what toadies do.. KC The little devious devil….The scoundrel….I’ll punch him on his hooter and kick him up his gum tree…..we’ve got to stop him and his Liberal Magic Georgi Your Feziness I’ve got a plan we go tomorrow incognito to this secret public meeting and enter the crowd and wreck the meeting…. KC COOORRRRRR Like spies sounds spiffing fun…… Next morning KC Appears on a big screen that springs into life in the parlour when the group of Georgi Bojo and Eric arrive at No 10 KC OK gang this is operation piff paff poof its’ mission is to destroy cleggs magic election campaign or to stop it from destroying ours…its team is Eric Fatty Hairy pickles…(Eric Waves to the others) Bojo King of spies (Puff on pipe) Georgi two brains Peorgi and led by your monarch KC. Our plan is to infiltrate the meeting in disguise and to cause disruption, other friendly agents will be present and are arriving as we speak and they could aid you but ultimately we are on our own and if our mission is not successful I will completely disown you and drop you like a red hot king Edward…this is the end of the message and this tape will destroy itself in 10 seconds…1.…2.….what comes next 1.…….2.…….3 oh yes ……4 erm oh erm ..oh never mi…..Smoke tape destroyed… Georgi OK Lights….. THUNDER FLASH BANG BOOM PIFF PAFF POOF KC (Appears in a puff of smoke dressed in a very long rain coat, trilby, and huge hairy clip on beard…) It is I your King….and now more details…. We go disguised as a typical northern family I will be pater….Eric will be the bouncing babyboo….Bojo will be Nannynoo and George will provide backup….we will go in my Rolls incognito to Rochdale armed with the picnic hamper of many tricks, the secret perambulator and our weapons of choice the shooting shooting stick, exploding black puddings, flat cap frizbee spinning blades of death….. And then make contact with friendly forces infiltrate the target and spread chaos and dstruction on cleggs election offensive…But we must not under estimate our target he is a master of disguise, of double talk, duplicity, misinformation, and is known as the town hall clock HA HA HA HA HA… BOJO OH fiddly boo I am going to be nannynoo on s seceret mission WOW Eric I’m going to be a reet £$%$£ Charlie dressed up in a $£%$£ nappy int secreet perambulator KC OK you band of desperados the Rolls has just pulled up to take us to Rochdale get changed and get into your roles Nannynoo you will have to wind the baby…Eric you’ll have to fill your nappy BOJO OOOOOOH Eric This $%£$%% role is picking up….don’t forget the wipes and the ointment nannynoo my cheeks are ever so chapped KC OK were orft Later KC Right Georgi park up the rolls prepare gang Babyboo hop into the seceret perambulator, Nannynoo don’t forget your beard, and exploding black puddings, oh and the wipes, I’ve got the shooting shooter stick and the flat cap frizbee spinning blades of death Geogie you set up base in the rolls with the picnic hamper of many tricksv …right lets test communication tune in Georgie…ready (Geogie with head phones nods) TESTING TESTING ONE IS, ONE SHALL, ONE SHALL BE… Georgie ARGHHHHHH!!!!! KC Right gang we’re going in.. Nannynoo Your Flastcappedness some locals on the left KC OK gang act normal northern we have to blend in… Nannynoo Yonner Pater have you got the kippers….Hi people Pater KC BI eck nanny noo I bloody forgot I got smoked salmon instead…cheers chappies Babyboo Eric Nanny I’ve just filled mi nappy… Mrs Smith from Rochdale Mi that’s a big baby….are you erm from round ere…. Babbyboo Want a £$£$% kiss luv…. Mrs Smith from Rochdale Mi baby you can speak and swear tell me are you a troupe of actors making a blue movie or are you from Norfolk… Pater KC Oh no HA HA HA we are local Rochdalians out walking as a family to see that good chap Nick Clegg….erm have you seen him…being as local as one like me Mrs Smith of Rochdale Now I know you’re not from around here…No one around are likes Nick Clegg more faces than the town hall clock… Nannynoo Your highness a friendly agent she said the password…she does not like Clegg remember friendly agents are travelling to help. Pater KC Friendly seceret agent will you be coming along with us three on a seceret mission… Mrs Smith of Rochdale PERVERT HELP CALL THE POLICE I AM BEING ATTACKED BY A SET OF FREAKS…..Start hitting pater with her handbag Pater Quick Nannynoo use the Vulcan grip Nannynoo OH AH OH AH ZAP Mrs Smith of Rochdale is frozen like a statue for 2 miniutes KC right gang move on quickly that was a success Nannynoo see to babyboo that nappy stinks Nannynoo OK babby boo lets wind you WACK WACK WACK now now Babbyboo BURRRRRRRRRP That’s$£$%$£ better now wipe mi….and be gentle 2 minutes later Nannynoo I’ve never seen such a mess….that’s disgusting…anyway babyboo is all cleany weany ( A big black van hurstles around the corner carrying Mrs Smith from Rochdale and a Huge tattood monster called Mr Smith from Rochdale) Mrs Smith from Rochdale THAT’S THEM PERVERTS FRANK Mr Smith from Rochdale OH YOU COME HERE……I WANT A WORD Nannynoo OH dear oh me oh my were in trouble now. Babyboo Don’t look at me quiffy I’m a baby remember..you’ve in it now.. Pater KC Chaps don’t worry I’m a top seceret agent hop on the seceret perambulator Nannynoo and spin the rubber ducky…OK Hang on WOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH (The perambulator rocket engine fires up and they are propelled down Manchester road at the speed of sound) Mrs Smith from Rochale They must have been Martians…. Windswept Pater That sorted them out….lets makle contact with base Georgi One is One was One shall be come in… Georgi Come in bearded leader Nannynoo does he want me KC Bearded leader here we’ve made it to target and were going in….. Georgi OK Bearded leader go in standing by…..
The gang have moved into the building on operation piff paff poff KC is disguised as bearded leader Boris is disguised as Nannynoo and Eric as Babyboo all a typical northern family
Beareded Leader KC OK gang keep local and yonery were going…. Nannyboo Tikertyboo They enter a huge hall full of people…a load voice announces LIVE FROM THE WHEEL TApPERS AND SHUNTERS CLUB!!!…..LIVE!!!…TODAY!!!….PUT YOUR HJANDS TOGETHER .IT’SSSSSS NICK CLEGG ON HIIIIIIIS MAGIC TOUR!!!!! From stage left Nich Cleggs sprints on dressed as Ali Bongo in a turban and curly slippers followed by Simon Hughes dressed as a magician female assistant resplendent in ostrich feathers Ali Bongo Cleggs HELLO ROCHDALE!! Crowd Silence Ali Bongo Clegg I Said HELLO ROCHDALE!!! Crowd Silence Ali Bongo Clegg OK I’m here today to tell you why you should vote Liberal on May 5th anf YES YES YES in the AV vote and why we are the only party that offers an alternative. Why we will look after your interests…..through the novel medium of magic Crowd Silence Ali Bongo Cleggs Fine Fine Good Sir pick a card Go on pick a card don’t let me see…..(turns away offering the cards) Mr Jones from Rochdale Right done it Ali Bongo Cleggs (taking the pose of of mind reader Bongo hans on forehead) Its coming through its…..its ….. it’s a P45 and yes you and you and you will receive these if you vote conservative on May the 5th Mr Jones from Rochdale NO I WON‘T Ali Bongo Cleggs YES YOU WILL Mr Jones Mr Clarke Mr Howard and most of the crowd in Unison NO WE WON’Tt we‘ve already had them because of the cuts caused by YOUR coalition . Meanwhile….. Georgi. Beareded Leader Com in Bearded Leader KC One is One was One Shall be come in Georgi I’m launching the Clockwork Dove Drone from the Picnic Hamper of many things and it will give live film to base You have to disrupt the meeting launch operation Piff Paff Poof over… Beareded Leader KC Will Do base…over ….OK Nannynoo spin the ducky I will launch a diversion you go to the front with Babyboo and take the shooting shooting stick with the bullet of truth serum and launch an attack Nannynoo spins the duckie WHAZOOM Bearded Leader KC turns into Gillian Duffy Nannynoo OH MY GOD Base Georgie we’ve lost bearded leader come in Beared Leader KC Nannynoo it is I in a cunning disguise as Mrs Duffy to launch a distraction…..here we go moving in OY YOU TOWN HALL CLOCK ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE COALITION????? Ali Bongo Clegg AH Lovely lady we are the social heart of a necessary evil protecting you poor people from the wrath of Camron and his evil empire…. Bearded Leader Duffy JUDI I’m called Gillian Duffy and that’s just the same crock you gave an hour ago why have you chosen to go into coalition with the Conservatives rather than Labour? Ali Bongo Clegg Do you realise lovely lady we are spending £400 million pounds a hour on interest alone…. Nannynoo Yoohoo Mr Clegg come and meet baby….We luv you Ali Bongo AH Lovely Nanny what a very large cuddlyish baby coochy coochy coo Babyboo Come Ere Coochy and give us a kiss MMMMMMMMMM POP Babyboo launches out of the Pram and sticks himself to the face Ali Bongo Babyboo OK Nannynoo NOW Nannynoo fires the shooting shooting stick into Ali Bongo Clegg and delivers the truth serum……. Ali Bongo Clegg ARGH You ugly ugly baby Nannynoo Its working Bearded Leader Duffy OH CLEGGY I’M STILL HERE WHY DID YOU GO IN COALITION WITH THE TORIES AND BETRAY ROCHDALES LIBERAL TRADITION… Ali Bongo Clegg Oh shut up you moaning old bag….if you’ve said it once you said a thousand times….what up cloths ears don’t you listen…I’m holding back Cameron.. All you lot do is moan moan moan and blame me for this blame ,me for that when its him all the time…. Bearded Leader Duffy Cobblers JUDI Ali Bongo Cleggs DON’T CALL ME JUDI You lot don’t know half of it…tuition fees, NHS Reform, universal credit, is only the start Cameron plans to rule for ever, he has a top secret blue book….In their he plans to raise the retirement age to 100, dipose Queen Elizabeth…..raise his own private army….bring back serfdom…..Mrs Duffy please come up on stage …Ostrich feathered Assistant please asist Simon. Hughes pulls Beared Leader Duffy from the crowd Nannynoo Base come in one is one was one shall be Georgi the plans gone wrong and an agent is being taken captive please give instruction over…. Georgi The drone dove confirms we are at code red Cleggs is leaking top seceret information Nannynoo But his highness is at risk… Georgi Is he Oh dear…can’t make an omelette with out cracking eggs Nannynoo…wonder who will get his job…Ok we have to close Cleggs down…the dove drome will fire the confusion missile to scramble Ali Bongos Cleggs marbles Dove Drone BANG WISSSSSSSSH SPLAT Georgi MISSED Beareded Leader Duffy OUUUUCH WOW I feel perfectly tipsy…rather squiffy…that right feathery chappie get me on stage Ali Bongo Whispers Wait you aren’t Mrs Duffy you’re his highness in disguise….RIGHT Bearded Leader KC SHHHHHH it’s a seceret Nannynoo Bearded Leader totally gaga Babyboo How the £$%$£% can yer tell…. Ali Bongo Clegg OK everyone welcome Mrs Duffy I will show you what damage Camerons Britain would be with out me…That right Mrs Duffy attatch your ankles to the hoist…ok lift her up Simon..(Cleggs pulls back a curtain to reveal a large glass tank full of water) OK everyone Mrs Duffy represents the British economy and as we lower her into the tank you will see here drowning like we are doing with the deficit…. Crane WRRRRRRRRRRRR Beared Leader KC WOOOOOAH UH UUUUUPAH COOOEEEEEH OH GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE Nannynoo Base come in …one was one is one shall be YOU MISSED Turned HRH positively barking….we must save him…over Georgi Base can’t help your on your own for the minute….over….anyway nothing new there Nannynoo Drat..Babbyboo pass me the flat cap Frisbee blades of death WIZ….. Ali Bongo Cleggs Look everyone Mrs Duffy is drowning in a sea of debt….shes gone quite blue….but don’t worry we won’t harm her…Its magic WIZ WIZ WIZ WIZ WIZ CRACK PING GUSH. Ali Bongo That was a bit premature Simon….Look everyone she’s released from the sea of debt the great british economy can breathe again…. Bearded Leader Wheeze….Can’t ……..breathe…oh dear Ali Bongo OK Mrs Duffy lie on the table to recover and get your breathe back Beared Leader I‘m stucky wucky to the board oh dear OH my head…. Ali Bongo (Lefts the table up to reveal Bearded leader KC spread-eagled on a spinning clock face….) (Wispers) more faces than the town hall clock eh OK EVERYONE Mrs Duffy is such a sport….to get the debt under control there has to be cuts….OK Spin that board Simon and hand me the knives…One, Two, Three, Whiz Whiz Whiz bong bong bong a public pay freeze, four five six Whiz Whiz Whiz bong bong bong a spending review Bearded Leader KC OOOOOOOOH Nannynoo I say number six was a bit close for comfort…. Ali Bongo Cleggs Seven, eight nine Whiz Whiz Whiz bong bong bong tight fiscal restraint ten eleven twelve Whiz Whiz Whiz bong bong bong spending cuts Bearded Leader KC eyes looks up at knife number twelve that just gave him a centre parting in his quiff GULP!…… Ali Bongo Clegg And that not all of it (flicks the board back and Bearded leader KC slides into a long box….slam, the lid goes down to reveal a head and two feet poking out of each end ) Some cuts have to be quite deep pass me the saw Simon….. Beared Leader KC COOOOOEEEEEEH Ali Bongo IT can hurt but you have to saw 1 2, saw 1 2 , saw 1 2 until your THROUGH..and the deepest cuts hurt the most don’t they Mrs Duffy but don’t worry it is magic….(Ali Bongo seperates the two boxes and lower box starts running round stage Beared Leader KC WOOOOOOW Come back here Ali Bongo Clegg And that where I come in because it is I that will put it all back together again like magic once Camerons finished with everything (Ali puts rthe boxes back together) ABRACADABRA Bearded Leader stands up OOOOOOOH I feel squiffy Ali Bongo Clegg Everyone a great round of applause for Mrs Duffy…OK simion will show you off through that door to clean up Bearded Leader KC exits through stage door OOOOOOH I’ve got tunnel vision Ali Bongo Cleggs (Pushes the partion aside with the door that bearded leader just went through side to reveal a huge cannon) Ali Bongo Clegg So rember if you don’t follow this tough medicine and trust me this is what happens Beareded Leader HEEEEEEEEELP LET ME OUT Ali Bongo OK then ………BANG!!!!!!!! Bearded Leader WOOOOOOOOOOSH goes through the roof Ali Bongo Cleggs Or if you vote for me everything will ber ok isn't that right Mrs Duffy whos sat back in the audience give her a round of applause, (A bemused real Mrs Duffy whos just arrived waves back) mg Ali Bongo Clegg OK Everyone are you going to vote for me in May..vote yes in the election so I can remain in power for ever… and.put your trust in me to safe guard your future….. Crowd; NOT ON YOUR NELLIE WE WANT A REFUND Real Mrs Duffy; Mr Clegg Are you happy to be in coalition with the Tories? Ali Bongo Cleggs NO REFUND LOSERS Do you like Tories cause I don’t Crowd LESS THAN YOU CLEGGY Ali Bongo cleggs Oh Good because Boris Johnson and Eric Pickles, spot light Simon, arrrrrrrrre here… Nannynoo Babyboo OH DEAR Nannynoo OK babyboo start the pram I’ll get on the blower….Base… one is one was one will be…Georgie we’re in trouble we might not get out alive….. Babyboo THE PRAM IT WON’T £$%$£ START WE’RE OUT OF £$%$%£ ROCKET FUEL Who was supposed to fill it up…. Nannynoo erm erm it could have been me but the price has risen lately….Base come in….Babyboo throw the black pudding at them yoners Babyboo UP$£%$£%% Yours…Cop fer that…..Wiz Black puddings BANG BANG Nannynoo Base we’re running low on ammo….things are desperate…we need rescue over Georgie Hold on Nannynoo I’ve just recovered bearded leader KC you must hold on Nannynoo Them yonners are charging again Babyboo what can we throw sat them…. Babyboo leave it to me blondie…. Nannynoo Oh spiffing idea babyboo if your nappy doesn’t do it nothing will Crowd CHARRRRRRRRRRGE TORY SCUM Babyboo Nappy SPLAT! Crowd OH GOD CAN’T BREATHE……RETREAT RETREAT Georgie Nannynoo come in Nannynoo Here base Georgie Bearded Leader is coming to the rescue Nannynoo TOPPO Over Babyboo Where the £$£%$£% is he Bearded Leader KC in flying jacket goggles and huge silk scarf (Flies in to the hall piloting the picnic hamper of many things) Right you little weasel bombs away…. Ali Bongo Clegg runs across thye stasge in his curly shoes and leaps into the orchestra pit……as the 20mm cannon from the picnic hamper of many things strafes the stage…. CROWD GET CLEGGS Ali Bongo Your Highness HELP YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE Please forgive me can I hitch as ride…the crowd are going to kill me…. Beareded Leader KC Bog off traiter cop for that (Dive bombs the orchestra pit) you were toast on May the 5th anyway so what changed. Ali Bongo Cleggs No they are going to kill me NOW RIGHT THIS MINUTE Mrs Duffy is roling her sleeves up Bearded Leader OK Nannynoo Babynoo climb aboard torch the secret pram Nannynoo Top Show your highness Ali Bongo Cleggs Your highness Room for a small one? Simon Hughes HOW ABOUT ME!!!! Ali Bongo Cleggs every man and woman for himself Babyboo I’ll mek room fer yer simon luv, like yer feathers Bearded Leader KC ALL ABOARD Contact chocks away we’re orft HOLD ON…..OH no we’re overloaded….we must lose weight Babyboo Eric I ain’t £$%%$£ going no where quiffy…. Bearded Leader OK See you Cleggs we’ll come back later….. Ali Bongo Cleggs You can’t do that to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Bearded Leader KC Back in a mo…. Back at base Georgie Your Highness Top stuff thought you were a gonner I’ve laid the table for a picnic celebration….. Simon Hughes But how about Cleggs? Bearded Leader KC How about Cleggs? How about me Ostrich Feathery girlie I can swap you with him if you want? Simon Hughes ERM? Bearded Leader Hughes if you want to stay you play the chello while we have a champers and smoke salmon picnic…. Simon Hughes Bach cello Suite No. 1 in G major OK Georgie Boris Your highness Cheers Babyboo Ow about $£%$£% me! Bearded Leader KC You’re my new butler so pour the champers faddi Georgi Your highness I’ve got a surprise the Clock work Dove is still transmitting turn the big screen on in the picnic hamper of many things…. Bearded Leader KC More champers Faddi…..Strike up the chello hughes….right OOOOOOOH bet that hurt and again ARGH …..pass the smoke salmon bleanies faddi Babyboo Quiffy you can go and £$£%$£% yersell wanna pull mi finger Bearded Leader KC Oh I forgot how bad pickly thing was….OOOOOOH god he’s just broke wind.. Georgie Your highness suppose we’ll have to get Cleggsy just can’t get the staff Bearded Leader KC Georgie OH not just yet we’ve got scones cream and sraspberry jam, followed by wild strawberries and finished off with sticky toffee pudding….we’ll pick toady up in a bit……OOOOHHHH Mrs Duffy has just kicked right up his chocolate ….anyway Chapps Mission PIFF PAFF POOF Successfully Completed CHEERS. Everyone HUZZAH!
Clegs Your highness the Queen is inviting you and a guest to the wedding for the heir to the british throne her grandson….. KC WHAT! She never told me…. Cleggs Your highness its in the papers…. KC The young rascal…..I’m a granddaddy and no one told me…Queen Sam Cam organised a surprise wedding and organised a national holiday spiffing!…..but wait my son Arthur is 5 Are you having a Joke!!!! Cleggs Your highness NOOOO! Its prince William his Grandma is Queen of, of of Australia..it’s a big event…. KC OOOOH tell me when did they make Dame Edna into a Queen? Cleggs Your Possumness Ages ago but there a big do and you AND a guest are invited….. KC Oh I like a party..but tell you what old bean lets make it into a bigger event lets renew our vows.. Cleggs What you and her highness Queeen Sam Cam? KC NOOOOOOOO! The coalition Cleggs….Me and you….we’ve been drifting apart, hit the bloody rocks recently and I think renewing our coalition vows will draw us together….like newly weds Cleggs Your highness so I get to come along KC Yip Cleggs Right your on….. KC BUT…. Cleggs Your Highness NO! KC You be the bride…. Cleggs why can’t you be ther bride KC Coz I’m the master now Cleggs Cleggs OK then if it gets me to the church on time KC OK Then Bojo is mi best mucker….Georgi is a page boy You be bride with Eric as your bridesmaid I’ve organised the heads of the common wealth including Mr Mugabe representative, The Syrian Ambassador, The Iranian Ambassador The North Korean Ambassador former PM Saint Mumsy of Milk Snatching, all pray, John Major, mall the European royals, Mi Gulf Monarch budies, and Queen Dame Ednas crew as guests who Col Gaddaffi is with …Gok will see you I in the morning to style your dress, Sir Cliff and Elton will provide music and the archbishop will lead the service at the abbey OK This will be a toppo do. Bojo Your Highness Are you inviting Tony Blair and Gorden Brown as former PM KC BLOODY HELL NO They were elected….only despots, dictators and dodos at this do where would we be heading if Democracy was invited……and how long has Col Gaddaffi spoken Greek
Next Morning KC I’m getting married in the morning ding dong the bells are going to shine…..ah Bojo.. Bojo Your highness are you set….Tell me who are this other lot spoiling the bloody show….some one told me they are asylum seekers with delusions of grandeur……its all Greek to them. KC Bojo Its Queen Edna of Australia lot…..god knows why they are over here…but they will add colour in their thongs and budgie smugglers….they have a certain way with words….the old Greek buffer who looks like Ghaddaffi caused mayhem at the breakfast he went up to the Russian President and accused him of murder saying held killed have his family and then he had a go at Sir Elton saying that Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car – we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle. It took them ages to calm him down….Elton that is….the Old buffer just carried on prancing singing some strange song and smashing plates
Cleggs Eric will you fit into that dress Eric You £$%$£ bet I will ….Do ya £$%$£ think I’m gunna miss the meal….not on yer £$%$£ nelly Cleggs AH Heres GOK Gok OOOOOH Dear Kingy was right I’ve just arrived in time to save your coochy bacon ok there tubby. Eric $%$$£% Off Gok Right Peeps the watchword is Cleggy Something Old Something New Something Borrowed and Something Blue….. So lets RIIIIIIIIIIP that dress to give a fashion gushing modern look to that peachy figure…gone gone gone is that shlumpy look of baggy, bulky, shapeless clothes that hide your curves and do nothing for your figure – don’t hide your light under a bushel cleggs! …Something old well I’ve got a classic bohemian Ivory silk basque This is the ultimate designer piece! This bodice combines design and function, giving you real control with boning to the front, all-round powermesh and gorgeous detailing Balconette cups, satin binding and Gok trim to centre Something Borrowed well that most of your policies luvvy and something blue is the monster in the dress….. Eric $£$%%$£ OFF MOK GOK Ya get reet up mi chuff Gok Oh Cleggs Your lovely, luscious legs. Remember the path to perfect pins is exfoliating and moisturising regularly: show your legs some love. Love those lady lines: every bit of your body is beautiful cleggs. Your natural body tells your story, its what makes you. If you’ve got a raunchy rump, ample ass or a cushioned tush then you are a booty beauty! Boost those buttocks with some perk-up pants and shake that red hot bot its all up to you now cleggs see you later luvvy Eric Reet Cleggs ower transport is ere….Gok you gop and $£%$£% off before yer feel mi boot up your…….
In the Abbey KC step out of his Rolls with Bojo KC Bojo I’m on mi wedding day Bojo Your Highness we must get inside diddly boo they waiting They enter the abbey to the Elton playing Zadoch the Priest as they walk down the aisle at the front the other groom await and the arch bishop lights the candles on the alter….. KC I believe you mum is Queen of Australia and I like your big hat it hides your big ears toppos old bean…. Prince William Silence Bojo Bloody rude foreign oik KC Its an Aussie custom so I’m told…. Bojo Your Highness Sir Elton struck up the wedding march the brides here quick positions everyone….. Cleggs Come on Pickles keep up…. KC Where the other bird for the Auzzie….. Bojo Not here yet old bean KC Eh big ears you’ve been stood up…not fair dinkum now are you…. Prince William Silence The bride and brides maid arrive at the alter Eric Mi $%£$%% Knickers have got stuck reet up the crack of my…. Archbishop Turns around and says People we are gathered here today to….. KC BLAIR……Who…How… Why…...Were…..Where….. When…..did you become archbishop of Canterbury Blair Last week Camms…new job like it you won’t get away with not inviting me ..now lets continue….Cleggs do you promise to honour and obey all the coalition agreement Bride Not sure about honour but otherwise I DO I DO I DO Prince William TUT TUT Archbishop Blair Do you promise to drop all your principles that you have held hold or will hold from this day forth…… Bride I DO I DO I DO Archbishop So long as you both shall live Bride Till next Thursday at least… Archbishop Blair Camms Will you honnour and obey all the coalition agreement…. KC Why not it’s the Tory Party manifesto be bloody barking if I didn’t I think they call it Win Win Win Win Toe Archbishop Blair Camms Do you promise to make cleggs drop all his principles lie like Judy become the most despised person in the UK from this day forth….. KC All ready done old bean Like I say be bloody barking if I didn’t Win Win Win Toe….. Archbishop So long as you both shall live…. KC As long as it suites me sir….. Archbishop The rings……..and I will marry the Prince Bojo OH tildy boo Archbishop Remove the veil You may kiss the bride KC OOOOOOOH My Loooooove Eric I thowt they never ask kingy MMMMMMMMMMMMM POP! KC ARRRRRRRGH I thought I was marrying Cleggsy Eric NOPE he got cowd feet had second thoughts so we swapped Hes marrying the other groom….now about them Nuptials….can’t wait….be gentle wi mi….I’m er Queen Archbishop Lady in Waiting .Do you take this other man to be your lawful wedded partner to honnour and obey him Cleggs I DO DO DO DO AS LONG AS WE GET AV KC Cleggs why are you getting hitched to an Aussie????? Cleggs I’m not Archbishop Mr Milliband do you take Cleggs to be your lawfully wedded wife Groom removes his hat to reveal the leader of the opposition Millliband Oh go on then if he is half as much use to me as he has been to the Tories even if his bums like a tatty flag….but wait till Thursday I might change my mind…. Archbishop Then I pronounce you four Husbands and wives KC WHAT……BUT I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE ROYAL WEDDING…. Archbishop It isn’t that’s next door …..and if I couldn’t go neither can you….and anyway do you really think Queen Elizabeth wanted YOU their….Gordon Brown Archbishop there….and they should just be finding out just about……… now… From a half opened door the following conversation can be heard Archbishop Brown OK you big eared flunkies you didn’t invite me well let me tell you It is an absolute scandal … I say it is time to end the old Britain where what mattered was the privilege you were born to not the potential you were born with. Remove the old barriers…… Duke of Edinburgh Dontopedology is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it. When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. I must confess that I am interested in leisure in the same way that a poor man is interested in money. I'm mad. Tell me wifey where did you get the hat? If I had one like that I would eat it too. The art of being a good guest is to know when to leave...Oh is my taxi here. Archbishop Blair Think we’ll just shut the door before it kicks off Eric Come on darling its ower honeymoon in Betties guest ouse at Scarborough….Wiv a reet neet of passion ahead of us….TEE HEE KC But Cleggs you can’t leave me Cleggs Your Highness OH I can if it suites and I’m hedging my bets…. KC YOU TURNCOAT….. Cleggs Your Highness YIP…..I think your bride awaits… KC HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!! Bojo Your Highness Eric’s a feisty little tinker Eric NOW THEN PETAL DON’T FIGHT You’re my man now….yer commming wi me this minute….Mek way we’ve some amour to rekindle…. Sir Cliff BOOM BOOM BOOM Congratulations and celebrations When I tell everyone that you're in love with me, Congratulations and jubilations I want the world to know I'm happy as can be…. Eric OOOOOOH I’m sheddin a tear….another kiss MMMMMMMMMM POP! KC I’ll get you Cleggs Cleggs Your Highness Not before Eric Gets you…now Mr Milliband what part of my soul do you want me ti sell….. Millibanbd Whats left? Cleggs Not much…..but we can pretend I always do KC HEEEEEEELP HEEEEEEEELP HEEEEEEEELP Eric Don’t struggle pet I like a fighter Blair Cleggs Bogo Milliband BYYYYYYYYE!!!!!! YOUR HIGHNESS
Outside Number 10 Press Mr Clegg people are saying you are a loser that lost….where now for the Liberals? Clegg GET LOST BAH HUMBUG… knocker on door Turns into a smiling grimace of Cameron BANG BANG BANG BANG Smiling grimace of Cameron ‘Judi you sold your Soooooooooul.’ Clegg GO AWAY [auto mod]…..HUMBUG (enters Number 10) KC Ah Judi lovely night what!!! I think you’ll be sticking around a lot longer doing breakfast….you’ve been so so so useful… Clegg Get lost Quiffy BOO HOO I’m on strike DON’T call me Judi….I’m oft to bed. Clegg (trundles up to the attic with his horlicks, candle and a wee willy winky hat….) Oh dear… Butlers Bell in the attic Ring a ding ring a ding ring a ding….. Cleggs Opens attic door GET LOST QUIFFY! User! Sound of Chain ‘Rattle Rattle Rattle’ Cleggs Opens door YOUR HIGHNESS SAINT MUMSY Of MILK SNATCHING HAS GOTTON OUT OF THE CRYPT…… ARGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!! David Steel WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I am the ghost of Liberal Past…. Cleggs ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!! Davis Steel I am the ghost of what has been…. Cleggs Oh you’re a hasbean… David Steel NO! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I live in Limbo the house of lords where the dead live in a lifeless existence mouldering away seeing the world about them and unable to do anything….look can you see the poor souls….. Cleggs is pulled to the window and peers through the attic window at the other place… Davis Steel Look!...... Shirley Williams…..David Owen…they were once as you on this earth doing deals selling their soul for mortal power…principles were lost as political chains they did weave link by link with every broken promise. Have you seen your chain cleggsy. It is a ponderous long long long long long long chain you have made cleggs link by link with every broken promised. Look Dame Shirley talks but no one listens….nothing new there then…David Owen talks everyone ignores him….Do you want that Cleggs…Why do you think they call you Judy… Cl;eggs Oh Sir David People Ignore and don’t listen to me now and DON’T call me Judi. David Steel Lets us go to a shade from your youth….look a scrawny ginger haired bean pole is at school…. Younger Cleggs Your Highness can I join please please I am a Tory honest….let me join the party. I want to be like you. Young KC Cleggs you be a good batman I’ll let you join just keep it a secret…Say thought you were a bloody liberal.. start calling you Judi Young Cleggs Liberal never them beardy berks losers that lot…. Young KC but we found your membership card Youbng Cleggs OH THAT OK I am a Liberal member but I like Tories better, I want to be like you OK Kingy….. David Steel SEE Even then you were as now a toadying lier. Now lets go to another shade of the past…..This is me… Younger David Steel at a Party Conference….GO HOME AND PREPARE FOR GOVERNMENT….. David Steal Yes and the deals with the two Davids came to nought. I looked a right narnna for the next 8 elections when they kept replaying that humdinger….But it failed because the SDP party we did deals with lied and sold its soul. It was all things to all people like a town hall clock we were for the British Bomb and Against it. We were for Europe and against it at the same time and the chain of lies we wove sunk us electorally for ever….sound familiar Judy. Cleggs Don’t call me Judi….so you mean telling lies…changing my mind….holding completely inconsistent positions and generally being a Conservative Liberal is bad. I thought that what we did… David Steel Yes it is but you have done much more you sold your soul to the Devil and Although I looked a Narna I kept my Liberal contradictory principles. You cannot be a Conservative in the Liberal party or a Liberal in the Conservative Party. Cleggs WHY NOT! POWER FOR EVER AND EVER WITH AV AND MY LIES David Steel You fail to see why boiling your Granny down to sell as candles, well its , distasteful. Here is a shade of things not so long ago the coalition asgreement.. Younger Cleggs to Press Yes this was a hard fought agreement but It's a new kind of government, a radical, reforming government where it needs to be and a source of reassurance and stability at a time of great uncertainty in our country too." David Steel Remember….tell me was it really like that Cleggs ERM ERM Yes Cameron said "If it means swallowing some humble pie, and it means eating some of your words, I can't think of a more excellent diet." I sorted him out. David Steel Lets see lets go further back to the negotiations Younger Clegg Please your highness please where do I sign can I be deputy, drive a big car Young Cameron But what about the great liberal tradition of social democracy.. Cleggs OH what was that…… Forgotten already! Younger Cameron But what about your party and our plan to increase to tuition fees Younger Clegg Who cares…where do I sign…. I’ll be your butler remember I was your batman I can do a mean devilled kidney..iron yer fez... KC Oh if you put it like that...sign here David Steel WOOOOOOO Cleggs your in denial….oblivion awaits you if you don’t change and continue to make your chain of lies link by link Anyway my time with you is up. I must return to undead Limbo and Dame Shirley droning on…Do you want that Judi…..Do you…….. Cleggs Wakes in bed OH MY GOD I’VE SEEN A GHOST HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!! OH yes I remember liers, back stabbers and toadies will end up in purgatory a fate worse then death with John Major ,Neil Kinnock, Paddy Pantsdown, JESUS NO!!! Ohh what that light Ghost of Liberal Present ‘Wooooooo Cleggy Come in’ Clegg Peter Mandelsone I thought you were dead…. Mandy WOOOOOO That can never happen….I walk this earth for ever….one minute as Peter Mandelson…before that I was Michael Howard…..before that I was Peter Cushing before that I was Christopher Lee….before that I was Boris Karloff….I live for ever HA HA HA HA Clegg GULP! Mandy WOOOOOOOO ! You are a poor soul who fasces oblivion because of your lying sneaky ways. They called me but you take the garibaldi….Tonight will be nothing to what awaits….AV gone….flagship councils gone….liberal tradition….gone your credibility gone….you as leader of the Liberal Party GONE HA HA HA! Clegg NO I don’t recognise that we have to redouble our efforts and get up and dust ourselves down… Mandy Let me show a Electoral carol of some Nottingham liberals. Gary Long, ousted Nottingham leader Clegg has run the coalition badly and must quit immediately, Mandy Another shade of some Chorley liberals. Ken Ball, party leader Chorley council Clegg let the party down". Clegg BOO HOO! But clearly what happened was that in especially those parts of the country - Scotland, Wales, the great cities of the north, where there are real anxieties about the deficit reduction plans that we are having to put in place - we are clearly getting the brunt of the blame and and and Sheffield like me… Mandy Yes they do lets go to the shade of you mate Sheffield Liberal Mr Scriven WOOOOOOO Mr Scriven What Nick Clegg brings to this government is two things - first of all, the absolute resolve and backbone even in these difficult situations for the Liberal Democrats, getting the economy back into balance. Crowd BOOOOOOOO! Mandy But does he know you like we do….I can read your thoughts….he trusts you….not many do…..I know that you lie do deals and do anything to keep or get into power at any cost Clegg Someone must like me? Mandy Yes some people love you….for who you are Clegg Oh thank god for that…can we go and see them!!! Mandy come with me to see another shade of Liberal Present They go to the parlour of Number 10 with the full cabinet having a party dressed in party hats and kazoos KC Gentlemen Can you bloody believe it the Conservative vote share has held Cleggo has had a hammering they hate him HA HA HA HA and the AV that he sold his soul for has been booted out HA HA HA HA HA the littke toady has no where to go HE HE HE HE a rat in a tory trap...without him nothing would be possible……So raise your g;asses NICK CLEGG we in the conservative party are truly grateful for all the fine work in he’s done in uturns, lies, and lack of any credibility to the pursuit of our power…HIP HIP CABINET HUZZAH!!!!!! Clegg Take me away from here!!! Wakes in bed OH MY GOD I’VE SEEN A GHOST HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!! Ghost WOOOOOOO Welcome Clegg I am the ghost of the future Liberal Carol….. Clegg Your highness what are you doing here…. KC WOOOOOOO I’m from the future and thanks to you I stay in power for ever and ever….and you do well as well….. Clegg OH what like KC Look follow me They approach a huge statue of Nick Clegg on the embankment Clegg CORRRRRRRRRR so we did win the AV vote KC Nope another disaster Clegg Then we stayed in coalition for ever KC Those that were left….. Clegg What do you mean? KC Well your credibility was so low at every election since the Liberal party was destroyed those that were left joined the Tory Party….They had no where else to go Clegg What happened to Simon Hughes KC He joined the ballet Clegg Vince Cable? KC Traffic Warden. Clegg Charles Kennedy KC Park Bench Clegg OH Great so we got rid of them liberal dead legs no goods….and I must be so important to have a great statue KC But look closer Clegg Ah it says The Best….quick get mi specs out…T……O…….R…….Y ever KC Yes after the assassination attempt on you by barking Chris Hulne…. Clegg What they tried to kill me!!! KC Yes after they found out you are a card carrying member of the conservative party Clegg WHAT! KC Yes the chain of lies you made link by link day be day was too heavy for you to throw off. You sold your soul for AV and permant power but it was not to be and then it was too late….we were wedded and you had no where to go….so your future is set you must continue your fine work for the conservative party….. Clegg I could bring down the Government and call an election…. KC You would face oblivion…. Clegg We could stay in coalition for as long as possible clinging to power KC You still face later oblivion…. Cleggs Oh gawd I’m in a right mess but the future seems to be set it you or nothing…. KC WOOOOOO Yip judi Cleggs DON’T call me Judi…. KC Now my time us almost done just one last thing beware these two children truth and honesty ….you do not know them but….they will cause you to be someone you are not… Cleggs No fear of that ……. Wakes in bed OH MY GOD I’VE SEEN A GHOST
Meanwhile Downstairs KC OK thanks Mandy and David you were toppo here is yer bunce….one last time all together WOOOOOOOO!!!! scared him senseless HA HA HA KC can’t have Cleggs resigning much to important for that…lightning conductor….electoral asset…good butler or lying deceitful four fasced toady take yer bloody pick…he’s going bloody no where Cleggs Your Majesty tea is served KC You look as if you’ve seen a ghost cleggs WOOOOOOO! Cleggs Funny you should say that but I’ve being doing some soul searching and I’m revived....that was scary KC Not bothered about AV? Cleggs AV whats that? KC You lost control of Liverpool Hull Sheffield and Nottingham Cleggs Who’s bothered all them yonners… KC But what about your principles Cleggs When did I have them? KC Power? Cleggs At any price your highness KC Business as usual then Cleggs You bet!
KC George where the bloody hell is cleggs we’ve got a press conference Georgi Your highness He Said he was nipping out and would meet you at the podium…are you going to let him speak? KC Yes he begged me…said the fight back started here…any way lets get into the rose garden and start the show…. Georgi Your Highness I’ll stand in for the weasel if he does n’t turn up… KC Gentlemen of the press last weeks election result were sobering for this conservative led coalition… Little speck appears on the horizon getting nearer and nearer…. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!! Clegg rockets to a super hero fast landing in the rose garden in a super hero outfit of orange cape, gauntlets, shiny boots and underpanted leotard emblazon SUPER HERO Super Clegg …Mortals I’ve have returned from planet oblivion…You thought you had got rid of me…WELL THINK AGAIN! I heard on the news that our beloved NHS was at risk and I have returned from my slumbers to Liberal acts of saving the world. KC Georgie OH God. Super Clegg Yes Superhero fans I just got here in the nick, get the pun, the nick of time to stop the dastardly blue arch rival King Penguin aided by his side kick Baron Joker from destroying the world we love. Georgie HOLD ON WEASEL! Super Clegg Yes earthlings do you not here him. It is time to act with my super human power come here Joker ….KAPOW…..THUNK…BIFF…..BIFF…a large orange gauntlet contacts with georges hooter…. Georgie OH AH Georgie (Wispers) Not laughing now georgie…..This desperado was out to destroy the NHS with his abacus penny pinching ways Gif Orange boot connects with Georgies anusorible THWACK BONK KAZOOOOOOOM!!!!! Super Clegg Yes mortal he will harm you no more George is lifted above super clegg and spun around a few times Georgie WOOOOH WOOOOOH WOOOOH WOOOOH WEEEEEEEEEEEEEH! Super Clegg NO more will this city be in fear of the Baron Joker (Super Clegg has just launched Baron Joker over the Rose Garden Wall.) (Super Cleggs dusts his gauntlets) Now where is that other little worm for some galatic retribution… KC Oh Dear Oh Me Oh My (Coming from under the shaking podium) Super Clegg RIIIIIIIIIP! (Poddium torn from its foundation) AH HA Penguin you can well cower but I meant the little worm Lansley who started this empire of evil NHS reform. KC Heeeeees oveeeeeer THERE! In a Super Hero flash Super Clegg drags Andrew Lansley from the Number 10 parlour and dangles him in front of the reporters. Andrew Lansley OH no super hero please don’t hurt me….I’m a doctor you know Super Clegg Music Maestro annnnnnnnd Super Hero RAP Andrew Lansley Greedy Andrew Lansley [auto mod], The NHS is not for sail you grey haired manky codger, Super Hero Clegg SING PENGUIN or face oblivion! KC Andrew Lansley Greedy Andrew Lansley [auto mod], The NHS is not for sail you grey haired manky codger, Super Hero Clegg Bows and swings with a Super Hero red gaunlet Andrew Lansley round and round…. Andrew Lansley WoooW WoooW WoooW Super…Herooo Doooon’t… Throooow Meeeeeeeeeeee….. Andrew Lansley is launched over the rose garden wall Super Clegg OK Press I’m back in charge so you can ask ME your super hero questions…get out of the way quiffy….SLAP VAZOOM KAPOW. KC OOOOOOOOOH Reporter Erm Titmarsh Gardeners Weekly….Where now for the liberals super hero after last week totally humiliating defeats.. Super Clegg WE will be coming to a street near you. Gone are the days when we were the junior partner of the coalition….This Super Hero wears no frocks only PANTS!!! Quiffy wears the frock from now on… Reporter Chuckle Brother Accrington Bugle Are you against these NHS reform… Super Clegg AGAINST THEM! Of course all super heroes are against disruptive revolution….If quiffy pushes them through I will go nuclear and destroy EVERYTHING HA HA HA…. Reporter Mrs Duffy Rochdale Herald YOU WERE FOR DISDMANTLING THE NHS Super Clegg AHA WE MEET AGAIN LOVELLY LADY…..Another question… Reporter Orvill Trill Times I thought you could fly high up in the sky but you can’t…. Super Clegg Yellow Bird high up in the banana tree….OF COURSE Super Heros can fly…next question Reporter Mrs Duffy Rochdale Herald EXCUSE ME Underpants but you said you wanted the NHS to be 'broken up' and replaced with a European-style insurance system. Super Clegg NEVER fine lady Your Super Hero is here to protect this institution from the sinister Penguin and his evil cabal…next question Reporter Jimmy Savill Hasbean Hornet Now Then Now Then Mr Super Hero Will you be starring in the new line up of Sha..Wadi..Wady with your gingly gangly suite for all them Guys n Gals OOOAH… Super Clegg No blonde one but tell me where did you get that super hero shell suite from….Its…..rather dashing.. Reporter Mrs Duffy Rochdale Herald EXCUSE ME YOU SAID 'I think breaking up the NHS is exactly what you do need to do to make it a more responsive service. I don't think anything should be ruled out. I do think they deserve to be looked at because frankly the faults of the British health service compared to others still leave much to be desired.’ What do you say to that? Super Cleggs AH the great Mrs Duffy…. Super Cleggs Tries to quieten Mrs Duffy with a superhero gauntlet over her biscuit shoot Mrs Duffy HOW DARE YOU! FRANK! FRANK! HELP! I’m being attacked by a super hero….You are a Super fraud Super Hero King Cameron Oh yes super hero don’t you remember we agreed the reforms would be dropped anyway as they were to expensive, and I said, we’ll blame Lansley, and you said please can I claim credit for making you change my mind, and I said why, and you said because everyone thinks Clegg is a door mat with welcome Judi on , and I said you are, and you said DON’T call me Judi… Super Cleggs OH Shut up quiffy or you will feel mi super hero boot up your penguin backside…and as for you Duffy do you like being in Orbit…Anyway be Assured earth people that from this day forth It will be I super clegg that will deliver you from True blue hell….. Mrs Duffy Bites super hero gauntlet…. Super Clegg ARRRRRRRRGH…. Mrs Duffy You cheat….You’ve been lying all along….and as for you Cameron….(Wack Handbag connects) You skulking there pretending that oaf is back in charge just to keep in power you make me sick (Wack…Wack) KC OW OW Tattooed Mr Frank Duffy OH YOU JUDI LEAVE HER ALONE!!! (A rather large gorilla enters the rose garden and heads for our Super Cleggs) Super Clegg OK Gorilla man you are no match for my powers….with a Super Hero right hook (WIZZ KAPOW CRUNCH) Mr Duffy cratches and crushes a super hero right hook Super Clegg Ow that hurts… Super Clegg OK Gorilla man you are no match for my powers….with a Super Hero booted kick VOOM BAPOW KEERZUNK OOOOOOH! Mr Duffy catches and twists a super hero right boot Super Clegg Ow that hurts… Tattooed Mr Frank Duffy Not as much as this…. BONK TWEET TWEET TWEET Super Hero Clegg is head butted Super Hero Clegg My power’s are failing…Mr Duffy must be made of Cryptonite…I must fly off To planet Liberal to recharge my powers…Up to iffinity and away....I said up to infinity and away Oh dear...... Tattooed Mr Frank Duffy All I use is Brown Ale and Lard butties Georgie Recovered from his relaunch PSSSSST Your highness….Quick make a run for the parlour window….quick KC OK Georgie (KC Runs and dives through the window) Super Clegg Runs and super leaps for the window…. KC OK Georgie I’m in close the shutters to keep that gorilla out…. Georgie How about Cleggs KC Hes flying ti planet liberal....quick shutters... Super Cleggs BANG THUD SLIDE…….. Tattooed Mr Frank Duffy You won’t get away fast super hero I was Rochdale Wrestling Champion….and I can do the Half Nelson Super Cleggs OOOOOHHH ARGHHHH Tattooed Mr Frank Duffy ....and a Full Nelson followed by a Anaconda Vice…drafted in to Cross Face Scissor Lock coupled to a Cobra Clutch Georgie Your Highness I think cleggs has the upper hand ....well he appears to be alotus position with his legs wrapped around his head... KC Georgie come away from the windows come and watch the antiques roadshow…I believe they are valuing old Lord Young.. Georgie I can't watch...Oh go one then I can.... Super Cleggs OH ARGH KAPOOM HEELLLLLLLP!!!!! Tattooed Mr Frank Duffy Still with us then Super Hero we need to do a inverted facelock followed by a mandable claw….quickly followed by Tiger feint crucifix armbar building up to a Elevated double chickenwing and Damascus head-leglock before we finish with a Inverted Indian deathlock …. Super Cleggs OH ARGH YOUR HIGHNESS HELP IT WAS A JOKE HONEEEEEEEST! WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER. Georgie Super Clegg got a super bendy neck..glad to see he's in charge....wait just open the window...HEH GORILLA MAN CLEGGS SAID YOU'RE A CISSY...AND YOUR WIFES GOT A BIG GOB! Ooh that touched a nerve Tattooed Mr Frank Duffy RIGHT TOADY We’ve saved the best for last with Gutwrench Gorilla press followed by Pumphandle Scoop drawing up to….. Super Cleggs AH OH AH EEK! YOUR HIGHNESS HELP I’VE NO WHERE ELSE TO GOOOOOOOOO! Georgie Your Highness I think Cleggs may need a lift…. KC Georgie Close the curtains and take the lid of the coal shute….. Tattooed Mr Frank Duffy …… The Matrix Tilt-a-whirl WEEEEEEEE! Super Cleggs OOOOOOOOOOOH Plop! Swish bang ….he lands in the coal shute KC CLEGGSY!!!!!!! Dishevelled sooty cleggs appears in the parlour KC Ah there you are….The press conference was a success then….no problems…and you handled Mr Duffy OK Cleggs Definatelly did your highness…and I could do another ten rounds with that beef monster KC And you never Lie!!! Cleggs Definatelly not your highness… KC You are going to galvanise and lead your troops to cause me headaches Cleggs From Today your highness…. KC OH good I’ll arrange another wrestle for you….. Cleggs Can’t wait your highness KC So you’ll be the usuaul yellow bellied sniffling town hall clock then judi Cleggs Please do call me Judi and I never tell a lie KC Business as usual then Georgie….
Cleggs dusting with feather duster,,,Happy Birthday to you…. KC Oh Cleggs….. Cleggs Happy birthday to you KC What the celebration…what what. Cleggs Happy birthday dear quiffy KC Who’s Quiffy? Cleggs Happy birthday to you…..Oh your highness didn’t see you there…SHHHHHHH! KC ooooooooh what? Cleggs SHHHHHHHH! it’s a seceret KC What bloody seceret! Cleggs KEEP your voice down! KC Well come on man tell me…It is your King speaking Cleggs Looks right Looks left…..The party! KC PARTY! BLOODY PARTY! WHERE WHEN WHO!!!!! Cleggs Your highness be quiet it’s a secret party….your secret party.. KC Oh I luv a seceret and a party…..but… Cleggs Yes your highness KC If it’s a party and its secret who will know they’ve been invited or where to go….. Cleggs it’s a surprise birthday party for you! KC No No No that can’t be right! Cleggs Why not KC Cleggs are yah bloody stupid….it can’t be a secret party for me because I know about it…Oh is that it they want a party for me without me turning up….sounds fun…..Oh maybe not… Cleggs Your highness don’t be daft, alright go on then,…but no one knows that I know that you know or that you know that they don’t know see what I mean… KC Oh yes absolutely old bean…. Cleggs Your highness you see If they knew that I knew that you knew then they would know do you follow…. KC ERRRRRRRM!!! Cleggs But because they don’t know that we know that they do not know that you do know it will remain a secret simple…. KC I must be simple then… Cleggs Everyone already knows that…but I’m only telling you so you can prepare because its fancy dress with a circus theme as well and everyone will be there as a surprise…… KC Oh this sounds bloody fun will there be games…. Cleggs Of course you highness….and a full buffet…..and entertainment KC oh goody this sounds spiffing pin the tail on the donkey is great but it doesn’t half hurt….and I get to dress up but how can i do that if it’s a secret.. Cleggs Oh that easy wear this…. KC What the…..a clown suite? Cleggs Exactly no one will guess your going tom a secret party with a circus theme….it will look well …..normal KC Oh yes never thought of that…..tell me who’s birthday is it? Cleggs Your Highnes KC Yes cleggs………but who birthday party is it? Cleggs Your Highness….. KC Yes cleggs………but who birthday party is it? Cleggs Your Highness….. KC Yes Cleggs…….Look cloth ears who’s party is it Cleggs Your Highness….. KC OOOOOOOOOOH Its bloody mine…. Well no body told me.. Cleggs Your Highness they wouldn’t…. KC Why not? Cleggs it’s a seceret….. KC OOOOOOOOOH I see mums the word SHHHHHHHHH! Cleggs And your one KC What I’m one year old…..god that was a long year…..OK then see you later mum SHHHHHHHH! Cleggs That’s right your highness I’ll see you later………… Later Cleggs You highness Wow you look fantastic the suit suites you sir… KC I feel a right bloody narna..this had better be worth it….why are you dressed as a circus strong man with a curley wurly moustache, leotard, and brill creamed hair.. Cleggs I’m in fancy dress OK your highness lets just give your big boots a very large buff, oil the bearing on your spinning bowtie, check the suspension of your huge pants, and adjust the flower on your bright blue bowler hat…sorted are we ready to go… Clown KC Yip Strongman Clegg Your Highness as it’s a surprise we have to make sure you can‘t see or hear anything OK Clown KC What What Strongman Cleggs Pulls the bowler hat over KC head… KC OH my god someones turned the lights out Cleggs were are you! Strongman Cleggs Can you hear me your highness… KC COOOOOEEEEEH Strongman Clegg Og good your great big goon you look a right Narna dressed up as a clown with biiiiiiiiiig boooots springy pants….and a spinning bowtie…want a quick game of pin the tail on the donkey….. Clown KC Dooobi Do….. Strongman Cleggs OH good you do…..I think I’ll put the tail right……THERE! Clowm KC OOOOOOOOOOUCH! OOOOH has the party started goody goody gum drops… Strongman Cleggs lead KC to the Parlour Big Boots CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP Clown KC OH it’s a surprise…..SHHHHHHHHHHH! Strongman Cleggs OK Everyone Clown KC Hat removed Cabinet SURPRISE!!!!! Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear coalition, Happy Birthday to you…one year old today happy as can be the Tories have got the key of door never laughed so much before…… Strongman Cleggs Stroking his curley wurley moustache ..Well everyone and numerous members of the press…. Eric Pickles Members of the £$£$% press I thowt this was a secreet parti….Oh quiffy like yer panteloons they might just £$£$$ fit mi…..tell mi wer did thi get em…I tell thi fancey $£$%$£ dress wi a circus theme I’m int back end of a pantimine $£$%$£ elephant….come on Boris mak a move over tert Buffet…. Bojo tidlyboo Strongman Cleggs Lifts a dumbell Welcome to this celebration of a year of the coalition…..its been a hectic year for us some more than others and we or rather I have paid a very high price for its or your success….and I’m hear to tell your royal cocoaness that from now on the relationship will change with MUSCULAR LIBERALISM…let me explain Eric PURT the pantinmine elephont MI £$£$£ down cleggs Strongman Cleggs PRESS PHOTO OPPORTUNITY poses as a strongman in various poses get my oiled up ripply bulges…..as we begin through a playful spar with the prime minister on how this will work…. Clown KC I’ll kill you judi Strongman Cleggs No you won’t your boots are magmetic and your stuck Clown KC OH NO! GEOOOOOOOORGIE HEEEEEEEEELP!!!!! Strongman Cleggs Shout as loud as you want quiffy as he’s over there dressed as a clown with a hat pulled over his head after being invited to a seceret party….he can’t hear or see a thing…..and Eric and Bojo have been stitched up into a pantomine elephant….cleverly distracted with a pyramid of ice buns….so your on your own.. Strongman Cleggs Twirls his curley wurley moustache…..Gentkemen of the press I introduce muscular liberalism over the last year we suffered a bloody nose but in terms of policy impact, we are punching well above our weight,’ WHAAAAAAAAAP That’ll give you a bloody big red nose quiffy….. KC OUCH I’ve already got one! Strongman Cleggs ’and 75 per cent of our manifesto is being implemented compared to 60 per cent of the Conservative manifesto which is a success for muscular liberalism. So quiffy is a little to big for his huge boots Strongman Cleggs Picks KC up even with a magntic conection in a feet of strength and plants him onto a tall machine….. Clown KC But there nothing in your manifesto cleggs all your pledges were rubbed out Strongman Cleggs Swings a huge mallet onto to the machine base and Clown KC is fired up the and hit’s a bell at the top….. Machine BONG BONG YOUR SUPER STRONG Clown KC Reduced in stature OOOOOOH MI HEAD! Strongman Cleggs it is time gentleman of the press to be more assertive within Government, and to blow our own trumpet more when it wins policy battles over Tories. Lets see if the tories can blow theirs… Strongman Cleggs Inserts a trumpet into Clown KC Clown KC OOOOOOOOH! Strongman Cleggs Now lets see you play God Save the King….,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I SAID Now lets see you play God Save the King…. Clown KC Trumpet solo PAH PAH PAH PAHHHH PER PAH….. Strongman Cleggs Music to my ears….you were always just wind kingy Eric Well stone the £$££$£ Crows he can do my party trick…..OH Blondie stop $££$$%$£ eating them buns leave some for me…. Bojo Good scran pickly…..stop passing wind Georgie Has the party started yet COOEEH? Strongman Cleggs In the next phase of the coalition, both partners will be able to be clearer in their identities hes a clown I’m a strongman, ‘We will stand together, but not so closely that we stand in each other’s shadow. And with those big boots you can bop him and he flies backwards then forwards without his feet moving an inch….WACK BONG BONG BONG BONG ….See Clown KC OUUUCH WOOOOOOOAH WOOOOOOOAH …… Strongman Cleggs twiddling his curley wurley moustache YES we’re are the social conscious brake on this conservative led coalition take the NHS reform we blocked…… Clown KC You little toady Press Men do not allow the LibDems to pose as a moderating influence the pause in the Health Bill was my idea and my decision – not Nick Clegg’s but the Coalition is good for the country and good for the Conservative Party as a building block for a Tory win at the next election. ……Where the weasel gone?. Strongman Cleggs I fly through the air with the greatest of ease…the liberal strongman on the flying trapeze……Up here quiffy Wizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..POOOOP Cleggs flys through the room on a trapeze catches Clown KC who’s magnetic boots come unstuck and they both carry on in flight…. Strongman Cleggs HOLD ON Clown KC OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEH! BONK Clown KC loses grip summersaults and he and magnetic boots stick to a metal roof beam upside down, Strongman Cleggs Press men If you are a Conservative voter, one of the things you are accustomed to is the Conservative Party going into government and cutting things…now as liberals we don‘t do this but as a Muscular Liberal I make the exception to clown braces;…..Wizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Snip Snip Strongman Cleggs flys through the room on a trapeze cuts Clown KC braces Clown KC OH Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! BANG Clown KC drops from the roof onto a large see saw with a pantomine elephant balanced on the other end…..BOOOOOOF Eric Bojo OOOOOOOOOOOOH UPAAAAAAAAAH! The elephant sails into the sky and hurtles back to earth Clown KC At last I’m free come here weasel Clown KC starts to roll his clown sleaves up and starts his spinning bow tie Strongman Cleggs I don’t think so quiffy…..I could intervene and take the wrap Clown KC Pardon…… Strongman Cleggs But Muscular Liberalism does not allow this so Quiffy there has to be some distance between us…. Clown KC What do you mean Cleggs…..we’ve had our ups and downs but……My its going incredibly dark…. SPLAAAAAAAT Silence. The elephant lands on Clown KC bottom first…. Eric OOOOOOH I thin something just gine reet up the £$£$$% crack of my…..pass me a bun Clown KC HEEEEEEEEELP LET ME OUT, IT STINKS IN HERE……. Strongman Cleggs Well gentlemen that is Muscular Liberalism in action a ‘coalition of necessity, not of conviction The Eighties won’t happen again we mean to be strongmen from here…… Georgi When does the party start Strongman Cleggs The party is over loser……... ’.
King Cameron ‘Where the bloody hell is cleggs…(Shouting through letter box) Hello! Pres Obama ‘Hi Its me Obama…we’ve come to pay you a god dam visit….’ King Cameron ‘BLOODY HELL OSAMAH AT MI DOOR....Go away we do not want any pegs..this is a respectable street for regal people….we don’t want YOUR kind around here go on SHOO. Pres O ‘God dam your English sense of humour… (Elephant Gun pokes out of letter box) KC I told you to shoo or I blast yer wi mi shooter…We don't want any terrorists here.......CLEGGGGGGS WE ARE UNDEER ATTACK . Cleggs AHHHHHHHH! Your highness Its Mr Obama from America our cousin to visit us… KC ‘OHHHH! A colonial cousin from the empire bearing gifts to pay homage to their king spiffing spiffing let them in…..’ Cleggsy Mr Obama come in KC ‘Yes come in come in tell me how are the colonies….been bloody ages since we heard out….Post office ain’t what it used to be… ’ PO ‘Holy moly pleased to meet you Cameron it was a very rough trip over I was riding the beast and it got stuck god dam it hurt my but... KC OH you've met Eric then we should have warned you about his pecadillos....he's ffrom the north you know...all odd up there....OH your from Australia I can tell by the accent… PO Not quite…. KC New Zealand…….errrrrm South Africa…………errrrm not…..oh god you are from Liverpool….my you do live out in the Styx…. PO I’m from America….. KC Which one of the 13 colonies do yer hark from….. PO Well actually there’s a few more than that and I’m a President… KC OOOOOOH yer not king then.. for a minute I thought you could be one of them rebels that threw all the Earl Grey into the drink bloody heathens SHOOT THE BLOODY LOT OF THEM BAAAAAAAAH…..I’m a king by the way Cleggs Your highness This is PRESIDENT Obama of the USA…. PO Yip Siree I’m the top honcho from the good old US of A…..I just luv you British Eccentrics…. KC What bloody language are you speaking….. Cleggs He’s speaking American….and he leads the greatest and most powerful independent democracy in the world….. KC So he’s a bloody rebel…..in MY parlour……..HELP CALL OUT THE GUARD!!!!! Where mi Elephant gun….bloody Yankee doodle dandy red neck Cleggs NOOOOOOOO! The USA became independent in 1776…. KC Did it….by god…..that’s news to me….why would it want to do that…. PO Yes siree we thought we would fly over the pond and see how our cousins are doing over in the good old UK….. KC OOOOOH we’re related that alright then…you must be the USA regent then….tell me what gifts do you bloody well bring…. PO Well Kingy we thought you could have your old bust of baldy Churchill back, the Seven Volumes about Winston Churchill, and another box set of CDs…. KC MMMM thanks…. Cleggs Your highness smile this is the first black American President….he’s really important don’t make any GAFFS….. KC SO OHBARMY you’re the first black American president regent thingy…. PO Yes I am….I am a sign of a modern democracy….just like my right hand women Hilary….. KC Oh so are we….do you know I’m looking to the day when a Women leads this country but its not happened yet….. Cleggs Pssssst How about Saint Maggie....all pray KC OOOOOOH you say she was prime minister and leader of the tory party well no one bloody told me. I’ld never have guessed……right Obarmy we’ll show you around the old pile… PO I just luv antiques and this quaint little cottage…..can we buy it…..we could buy your butler as well…… KC HA HA HA….Oh you have a quirky sense of humour….any way here’s grand daddy George the third he was king of America you know… PO You bet and we kicked his big royal butt back to the good old UK. KC MMMMMMM, and here’s a map of the glorious British Empire, bloody bad news you’re no longer part of it but look its bloody huge….pink every where….the sun never sets on it…..you could walk from Cape to Cairo…. PO Yeh I heard first hand about the British Empire in Kenya…. KC OOOOOH you did did you then you must have heard all the good we did employing people to grow tea…. PO You bet and I also heard how you treated some of them…. KC OOOOOH Those rebels…. PO Who’s are the rebels…. KC Any one not from blighty…. PO You mean Kenyans KC YOU BET! (Mr Obama grasps KC by the tie and drags him towards him) PO LISTEM YOU LIMEY SON OF A GUN…..THEM REBELS WAS MY GRANDFATHER WHO YOU ABUSED SO LETS GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT YOU AIN’T NO KING….THERE AIN’T NO EMPIRE….AND YOU’RE A GOOK OK KC (High pitched) OK!! PO WHAT DID YOU SAY! KC I AIN’T NO KING….THERE AIN’T NO EMPIRE….AND I’M A GOOK PO OK then lets get down to business and discuss the Arab Spring… KC OOOOH Yes I’m really worried…..My old muckas live in the gulf and well it could rain….April showers you know…. PO NO goony bird…..The revolutions spreading across the middle east we have to be careful there lots of our allies are under threat…. Cleggs You mean Mr President that we should encourage democracy for the popular arab revolt…. KC PO Both look at Cleggs with a withering look NO! KC Cleggy do you want to make my old mucka the Sheik of Bahrain, Kuwait, Qatar, King of Saudi, and Jordan lose their throne so the people can govern Saudi, god forbid that would be democratic….where would we be if that happened….we nearly bloody had it here with AV…bloody disaster…what Cleggs Cleggs If you say so your highness.. PO Yip they may be bad guys but they are our bad guys….in foreign affairs there are only intrests…. KC Too bloody right Mr President…Do you know this country backed Col Gdaffyducky and without the blink of an eye then dropped him like a red hot king Edward and backed the opposition. We’re bombing him now with our carriers fleet that has no warplanes on them….chocks away ginger…. PO You know Kingy, you may be odd, even from Norfolk, definitely second rate but we have a lot in common….the things Cleggs said about you were pure baloney…. KC Thanks.....WHAT!!!! Cleggs Your highness ERRRRRM I think I will get dinner ready……. PO Yes he said you were a elitist yellow bellied lying son of a dog that he was controlling as part of a greater plan to become leader and that he was the brains of the outfit….and to watch my step with you KC DID HE…..CLEGGGGGGGS!!! Cleggs I’m in the Kitchen LA LA LA LA! PO He got it about right but we are chalk and cheese kingy poles apart but similar tell me can we buy your butler. KC MMMMMMM...he has had a very busy career, spy, tory, clown, super hero and circus performer…..a man of many faces and talents..... PO God dam I just luv the circus…. KC Right its a deal you can have him Later Cleggs Your Highness Mr President….here is tea fair trade of course and some apple pie.. KC New York New York....Cleggs got a bit of a job for you…..would you like to fly back with the President…..and be his guest butler Cleggs CORRRRRR YOU BET!!!! KC You’ll be flying in economy…..great I’ll arrange it…. Later RING RING RING RING RING KC Peering through a very large telescope…..'CLEGGS Tell me hows the big apple..... (Cleggs is in his super hero suit clinging to the tail of air force one) Clegggs ZOOOOOOOOOOOOM HELLLLLLLP!Yes I can see New York every time we do a loop the loop at 1000 miles an hour..... KC Bet your glad you borrowed my magnetic boots....remember Cleggs Yes they worked a treat when the FBI men asked me to clean Air force one windows.....Erm your highness..... KC Yes Cleggs..... Cleggs OH hang on we are going for another loop the loop WOOOOOOOAAAAAH UUUUUUPPPPPPAH......ARRRRRRGH Can you ask your American cousin... KC Yes cleggs Cleggs TO LEEEEEET MEEEEEEE IN! He just keeps waving at me KC Hang on.... Cleggs OK then KC Ring Ring PO Air force one.... KC OBARMY.... PO Yes Kingy.... KC Cleggs is enjoying the ride.... PO OH YEH Thanks for the butler He keeps waving and smiling at us every time we do a loop the loop....can't hear what hes saying but he did say he was a fine dang wing walker.... KC Oh good....Bye! Ring Ring Cleggs Your highness any news.....Please speak up! KC You'll be glad to know he luvs you....Say how long have you been a wing walker... Cleggs I might have told a little white lie.... KC Silence..... Cleggs YOUR HIGHNESSS!!!!!!! ANY ONE THERE!!!!! KC Silence.... Cleggs HEEEEEEELP Oh another loop the loop OOOOOOOOOOH KC Sorry Cleggs if you can hear me We can't hear you....signal gone down the bloody tubes anyway hope you enjoy your stay in the Big Apple as much as I did when you took me to the circus...BYEEEEEEE! KC George that’ll teach the little weasel… George Your Highness serves him right…… KC Yes but we have to make sacrifices in the fight for democracy… George What do you mean…. KC Well we’ve lost a good butler but gained an ally but there are costs we hav to pay…. DING DONG Eric Pickles OPEN THE £$£”£$ DOOR QUIFFY I’M REET ANNOYED WI THI. I WON’T BI TEKIN NO $%$%%$% FROM YOU I KEN TELL THI BUTLER OR NOT’ KC A bad butler .....sacrifices George its rough at the top....OK FADDY COME IN!