Cleggs They’ve all gone on a summer holiday…They’ve all gone for a week or two….I can dress up as Saint Maggie of milk snatching….I become the leader all true and blue….Woo Woo All true and blue ARGGGGGGGGH! KC Cleggs what they devil are you doing….HOW DARE YOU! wear the sacred and blessed blue dress and hand bag of our great leader Saint Maggs all kneel. Cleggs ERRRRM ERRRRRRM Your highness……ERRRRM what are you doing back…..I thought you had gone on your jollies and left well, Cough, me in charge… KC What are you twaddling on about Judi…..Go on holiday……leave you in charge…..are you bloody barking WOOF! WOOF.! Cleggs Her highness left today dressed in a sombrero with huge suitcases….She said she was ORFT….Had enough of playing second fiddle to you….I know how she feels…. KC GONE ORFT, HER HIGHNESS, Mi QUEEN, SAM CAM, What the bloody hell been going on….have you had a bloody hand in this you little weasel? Cleggs No cross my heart and hope to die, I can’t tell the truth and I always lie…..She left a letter on the mantel piece. KC WHAT! Here read it…….. Cleggs ‘Dear John….by the time you read these words ill be gone‘ HA HA HA!…‘life goes on, right or wrong, now its all been said and done, dear john’ HO HO HO! now its all been said and done poor john.. I’m off to Ibiza Club Pasha and My new man DJ Tong SEE YOU’ KC Who’s John? Cleggs Your Caponess YOU! KC But I’m called KING DAVE. Cleggs It’s a euphemism….. KC OOOOOOH She ran of with the band…..Well they can have her! Cleggs Your Highness we can’t do that….A king without a queen…..An abandoned monarch….a queen making aspersions about your, well erm, abilities KC What does she mean…. Cleggs well your highness………… SHES SCARPERED HA HA HA, GONE ORFT, VAMOOOOOOOOOSED, SLUNG HER HOOK, SICK OF THE SITE OF YOU…OVER THE HILS AND FAR AWAY….TRADED YOU IN FOR A BETTER MODEL DJ TONG HO HA HEH… KC WHAT! (Red steam from ears) Cleggs Your Ruddiness well as she left she was waggling her little finger….and saying she off to Ibiza where the real men hang out. KC WHAT! (Purple steam from ears) Cleggs Your blueberriness she did mention erm DJ DONG…… KC WHO!!!!!! Cleggs Your fuddyduddyness HE’S HUGE! RAVE MASTA IN DA HOUSE AT PASHAS IBIZA………and Queen Sam Cam said she was oft there for a bit of Mr Tong! KC WHO WHAT WHAP WHOP WHOOOP WOOOF WOOF BAH MOOOOH…..I’ll kill him! Cleggs Your Nuttiness thought you might….Here’s your sombrero, poncho, flip flops, and shades……suitcases tickets for easy jet…..Eric and Bojo are already at Stansted….I’ll hold fort…..so you ready to go a wooing, a wooing you will go….. KC HIGH HO! A wooing I will go….. At the Ibiza airport….. Passport Control HAVE YOU ANYTHINGO TO DECLAREO…. KC It is I king Cameron….by the Grace of God king of Great Britain France and Number Ten, Defender of the true blue faith Duke of Brunswick Elector of Hanover and the Holy Roman Empire Keeper of the Seven Seals of Mumsy Cript and all round good egg. What do you want Johney Fopriegner Passport Control HAVE YOU ANYTHINGO TO DECLAREO…We have our own King Juan Carlos Bourbon. KC Yes I do have something to declare…. Bojo That’s torn it KC …… you can tell this bonbon chappie Gibraltar is and always will be MINE…and to keep his sticky little foreign fingers ORFT IT!….RULE BRITANIA BRITANIA RULES THE RAVES………. Passport Control OK Kingy you and you odd amigos come with me……while we search for naughty drugs Later KC Well chaps that was an unusual local custom…..sorted mi farmers out…what Bojo…. Boris Your highness I’m a bit tender….tell me did they find the man from passport control….. Eric Well blondie when he stuck his rubber glove right up mi rusty bullet hole….it wer like lancing a $£%& boil…..OOOOOOH the relief…..the pressure had built up and it was a great release…..one minute her was there….the next he was gone…..it was like flash flood full of flotsam…..no one could have survived wot a terrible way to die….. KC Quite lets get to the Hotel……Okay Taxi man me unt mien much budidos to en hotely….pour va vour…sea view plane Taxi Driver What are yer talking abawwwwwwt……are you from blighty…..by the look of your boats you look like a set of paraffin lamps who’s had something shuved up the Gary Glitter…….. KC What language is that? Bojo Your Highness Its cockney slang fiddly booo and asMayor of London and honary Pearly King let me speak…… we’re so pleased we found your flounder and dab, and we need a fish tank to get some bangers and mash cause we‘re a bit murry mint…. KC What are you waffling at? Bojo We need to get some money from the bank because we are broke SSSSSHHHH Yes we’re over ere from Maggies Den cause his bag for life has given him the tin tack… Taxi Driver Well would you adam and eve it! KC What? Bojo Your wifes left yer…..Anyway it’s a right Bananarama….hes gone chicken oriental…over the whole Elliot Ness..he right out of his bacon rind…and gone Wayne Rooney Taxi Driver You don‘t say KC WHAT? Bojo Your Nuts By jingo Flounder and Dab man I do She’s a right cheesy quaver and went botany bay to Ibiza with all the Nelson Eddies and the tin lids to see her Danny Glover DJ Tong… Taxi Driver Osama Bin Laden… KC WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Bojo You were dumped…..She’s a right cheesy quaver and botany bay to Ibiza with all the Nelson Eddies and the tin lids to see her Danny Glover DJ Tong…He’s got a right big Boris Becker… Taxi Driver CORRRRRRR Blimey! KC AND? Bojo You were traded in ….. Yeh we rented a micky mouse and our Manfred Man is go up to the club for a bit of a jack palance and swill some Richard Gere and Edna Evewridge and then although he no typewriter he‘ll give DJ Tong a fist full of Lady Godiva on his firemans hose. He’s a right Cornish pasty when he’s riled….. Taxi Driver We’ll good luck but a bit of asdvice stay clear of the snorting Salvador Dhali, smoking Johnny Cash i and don’t get Santas grottoed….OH and watch out for bad food it can lead to a bout of Tia Maria OK that will be a monkey. Bojo That’s £500 your highness KC You can go and Vincent Van Gogh OK Taxi river Up yours yah great Ayres Rock. later at the hotel…. KC OK boys We are going to da rave to sort Dude DJ Tong out and get mi SamCam back so I’ve got you new names. Eric you Pump Master, Bojo Your B Diddly and I’m King KC Every body in the house go OOOOOOAH Pump Master B Diddly OOOOOOOOAH King KC Every body in the house go Ra Ra Rasputin Russia greatest Love machine…. Bojo Your Blinginess this is all well and good but Club Pasha is for the very famous, the very rich, or very trendy….you are none of those so how are we going to get in. KKC Your bloody right B Diddy we are out in the Styx here so we need some one hip dude to get us in…..AH He’s here It not wot you know….It’s who you know… (Big gold rolls pulls up) DJ Jim Now then Now then kingy….OOOOOOAAAAH How’s about that then. Now kingy you wrote to me….‘Dear Uncle Jim, my wife has ran off with DJ Tong’ Oh goodness gracious me naughty naughty…‘Can you fix it for me to get my trouble and strife back on her throne…..yours truly King Cam…. Well ladies and Gent-le-man that’s a tough request OOOOOOAH KKC Can you fix it for me Uncle Jim PLEASE? DJ JIM OK Guys n Galls but Uncle Jim will do his best with these ticketrs to DJ Dirty Richard Tong at the Pasha ….so lets jingle jangle and put these track suits pumps jingle jangle gold bling, and blonde wigs on and get to my pimp daddy mobile and get this fix it on da road….and en route we can listen to some Sha--waddy---waddy……. They pull up at the club…. KKC Are you sure this is he Pasha Club Sir Jimmy? Eric Oh it’s a reet palace in da ows….. DJ Jim Stop waffling and follow me guys galls……The Show begins OOOOOOOAAAAH Pump Master Sam Cam been out in the sun for a bit….. Bo Diddly Your Highness she is looking a bit rough KKC It is rather dark in here….what’s she doing Pump Master I never knew she was so talented kingy….. DJ Jim Jim will fix it for you….and you and you Bo Diddly OOOOOOOH that not real….what is she doing with those ping pong balls…... Pump Master Oh Dear duck we are being bombarded…. KKC Sir Jim you bloody old buffer you’ve brought us to Sticky Vickys not Pasha….. DJ Jim Yeh I know Like it Bo Diddly Oh this is fun I’ve never had a game of Wiff Waff like this….Your serve Vicky…Bop. KKC Sir Jimmy can you get us in Pashas…. DJ Jim NOPE! I’m like you not famous not rich, and not trendy but I am a dirty old man. KKC Right lets nick his car and get out of here….I‘ve got an idea…. Later at the door of Club Pasha….. Pump Master Yes of course we’ve got tickets we are hipster reet DJ…..please pull mi finger Siren BARP BARP BARP BARP BARP BARP Doorman OH Jesus I can’t breathe quick evacuate we’ve a gas leak it could explode at any moment.. KKC We’re in……right lets get on stage…..Pump Master you start the house party we’ll search in the back for her highness….. Pump Master OH REEET EVERBOD INT OWS GO EEE BY GUM IT’S THE BIRDIE SONG WOOP WOOP…..Let it rip…..you cats dance Music With a little bit of this and a little bit of that……. Meanwhile KKC B Diddy I’ve found them listen……… Sam Cam Oh Mr Tong your so big and well…….ripply…..your such a man….much better-hung than that pretender toff I left in London…. KKC GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Mr Tong Your so right Samcam They don’t call Me Mr Tong for nothing its like an electric eel…..I’m so glad we are together at last. Carrying on in secret caused me so many difficulties…..Oh I’m on in a minute but I’ve got time to take you to the moon again….want to hop on my rocket. KKC Right B Diddly I‘ve heard enough (SMASHes DOOR DOWN) Get out of the way Queeny the King is back RIGHT MR DONG Its time to meet you mixer….turn around and face me like a man ARRRRRRRRRGH! CLEGGGGGGGS Oooooh you were facing me and her at the same time Cleggs Yes that right me and your wifey have been have a nibble fir weeks…..she wanted a bit of class and I took you at your word that we shared everything but not any more KKC You little weasel……You planned this? Cleggs Yes we knew you would swallow the bait you vain vain vain vain vain toff…. its been easy we just waited until three Jimmy Saville impersonators turned up. Unfortunately for you DJ Tong had a nasty accident….. KKC What do ya mean Cleggsy He had an argument with a gang of desperado Jimmy Saville Impersonators who tried to sell him drugs and when he refused they killed him….. KKC OH thank god for that SAM CAM You can come home to kingy Mr Tong is no more B Diddy No your highness we are in trouble…… Cleggs Yes they found Mr Tongs body in your hotel room strangled with a Jim’ll fix it badge, just like that one……let me see…….THERE….. KKC ARGGGGGH! Time to leave…… Cleggs That will be hard…..Pump Master has started a full blown riot playing…..The Birdie Song….OOPS UPSIDE YER ED…I’ve Got A $£$£%^ Ring of Fire…I Can’t Fly High UP in the Sky….Oh I £$£&% Can…..The police are on their way KKC Judi tell me your lieing…you know how you can’t speak the truth….. Cleggs DO NOT CAlL ME JUDI….No its all true….We employed Sir Jimmy to lure you out here, kill Mr Tong, plant the body in your room and plant the weapon, you provided motive and just to make sure he sewed 1KG of cocaine into your shell suites…..So your trapped….I can hear sirens and some wind from your shell suite and you can’t get away because of the riot…. KKC HEEEEEEEEELP!… Cleggs Nope, you’ll be some big bruisers [auto mod] for the next 30 years….I’ve got your wife, …..you throne……and your kingdom….you’ve had it…..Anyway it’s time to go. Jimmy Saville Now Then Now Then That torn it kingy ….That's one that no one can fix it for you and you and you….However for you Cleggsy and Sam Cam Jim Did fix it…..time to go on my private helecopter and listen to some Sha----Waddy------Waddy KKC I’LL get you Cleggs… Police man AH Kingy we meet again I've been in hospital after the accident at passport control...Anywat I'm aresting you for the muder of Mr Dong, Tubby for the attempted drowning of me and for the ilegal dumping of unknown substances, and blondie because you are how you say a corn on the cob OK you come with me..... KC HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! Bojo We're right in the Eartha Kit Eric Do you serve Paella in the pokey.....
Jeremy Paxman News is coming in that King Cameron has been arrested for the murder of a British national and smuggling class A drugs. It is reported that the king with a gang of desperado were arrested at an all night orgy of drug and drink filled depravity. We now go over to our reporter John Simpson for a report. John Simpson Yes its incredible. I cam confirm that it was me that liberated Afghanistan after my sole invasion disguised in a Bhurka. Yes and like that it appears that his highness was incognito dressed as Jimmy Saville trying to invade Ibiza. It appears we believe the gang of desperados is Eric Pickles and Boris Johnson…. Jeremy Paxman Sorry, did you say Eric Pickles and Boris Johnson…wow all dressed as Jimmy Saville.. John Simpson Yes I did….but the Spanish Authorties are assessing their mental health because even with interpreters they cannot understand a word they are saying. AH…..The Psychiatrist is coming out of the Prison….Dr…..can you comment on your initial findings…. Psychiatrist Yes they are very ill. His highness has got colic after easting a blonde wig and is making animal noises…..Mr Pickles, well shall we say its not for the faint of heart, and Mr Boris is speaking in Rhymes……. John Simpson OH Doc so how are they….. Psychiatrist Mad as you say Hatter….he appears in court shortly…… John Simpson Did you hear that they think they’re mad and he will soon be n court… Jeremy Paxman How long did it take them to figure that one out? Can you get to the court? John Simpson Yes I’m peddling there now…In the meantime did I ever tell you about myself well I was shelled in Afghanistan, attacked with poisonous gas in the Gulf and dodged the bullets in Tiananmen Square. Jeremy Paxman Well you were a war correspondent…. John Simpson No that was after the war, Iseem to get right up peoples nose, even Harold Wilson punched me in the nuts don’t know why….Did I tell you about my CBE? I’m very modest ? Jeremy Paxman Are you there yet? John Simpson Yes? And I’m proud to announce that I’ve embed myself into the court after I invaded it. Jeremy Paxman Oh my god its like Kosova all over again… John Simpson Yes I disguised myself as a Spanish flamenco dancer and bribed the usher with a fondant fancy and I can tell you we are in the holding cells…..Your Highness? KC HELLO! John Simpson Your Highness is that you…Its John Simpson from the BBC… Eric OH $£$£$$ TAKE COVER! BOJO THANK GOD! John Simpson No thank me later, Your Highness can you tell me your version…… KC Well we came to Spain and had an appointment with a rubber glove …..then we met Jimmy Saville …had a game of ping pong with sticky vicky…….then got dressed up as Jimmy Saville to murder DJ Tong John Simpson So you accept your guilty….. KC NOOOOOOOO! We didn’t kill DJ Tong he was OK the last time I saw him….It was Nick Clegg with his oppo Jimmy Saville…..HE KILLED HIM! John Simpson That was like in November 1969 I interviewed the exiled King of Buganda, Mutesa II he was OK when I left him sober as a judge, A few hours later he was found dead in his London flat from alcohol poisoning. Bojo Oh God you’re a bungly of fun…. Jeremy Paxman So to clarify Its Nick Clegg in the Nightclub with the Jim’ll fix it badge…. John Simpson So you saw Nick Clegg kill DJ Tong,? KC NOOOOOOOOO! He was dressed as him with Samcan…. John Simpson So Nick was doing home blue movies…..By the way who is DJ Tong? KC NOOOOOOOOO! He was steeling Mi Queen…And he’s was an electric eel! Jeremy Paxman Ask him if he’s mad? Nick Clergg is in No 10 running things John Simpson Your Highness KC Yes John Simpson Are you barking? KC PURPLE YES WOOF! John Simpson The Psychiatrist stated that he thought you were all mad Bojo I can tell you we were livid fiddly boo….locked up with a big Spanish gorilla, falsly accused, cavity searched again…..I was bloody spitting feathers.. KC I was eating feathers and mi Jimmy Saville Wig after hearing Cleggsy is in charge Eric I’m $£$$£starvin John Simpson No we mean were/are you insane? Your Highness? KC WOOF WOOF! John Simpson Well that means you won’t be going to Prison… BOJO Eric WOOF WOOF! John Simpson It means you’ll be sent to an instituion …. KC Whats this instution like? John Simpson Well they look after you, feed you, you can’t leave, and you can talk away to your hearts consent KC Oh we’re not mad I’m a member of the house of commons not lords so we must be eccentric! John Simpson Then they will hang you KC I’m mad as a box of frogs CROAK! CROAK! Bojo By the way I’m so pleased to meet you Mr Simpson. Loooooooved your piece from the Roumanian Revolution….. John Simpson Oh good I got a Bafta for that. They’ld still be communist if I hadn’t intervened pity about the president… Bojo Why? John Simpson Oh my intervention got him shot? Unlike Iran… Bojo What? Jeremy Paxman Oh god he off lets go to Martha at the Mabelthorpe Domino championship…. John Simpson I got the Bayeux Prize for that…It was Great I flew back into Tehran dressed as an Ayatollah. Millions lined the street and the revolution started….pity about the Shah….. Bojo Why? John Simpson Well he fled into exile and died soon after and his family have been refugees ever since…unlike Iraq Bojo What? John Simpson I got a CBE and Emmy award for that I invaded Bagdad and democracy was restored….pity about Saddam Bojo Why? John Simpson He fled after I interviewed him and the Americans found him and then he was executed Unlike when I liberated Kosovo Bojo What? John Simpson I got a knighthood for that. I invaded disguised as a thin Albanian and the Serbs withdrew pity about Slobodan. Bojo Why? John Simpson Well the shock of my intervention was so much he surrendered himself to the international court and started Serbian Democracy….ublike Afghanistan…. Bojo, KC, Eric, WE’VE HEARD THAT ONE! John Simpson Unlike when I restarted an economic revolution in China? Bojo, KC, Eric, WE’VE HEARD THAT ONE! John Simpson Golden Nymph or Peabody Award for services to myself.. Bojo, KC, Eric, WE’VE DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT ONE! Bojo Tell me John death, destruction war and invasion do seem to bloody follow you about John Simpson YIP! KC Its just a tiddly boo coincidence then…. John Simpson Yip KC Your not insane on a deliberate path megalomaniac destruction under the guise of reporting news ? John Simpson NOPE I have a helper in the shape of my wife who is a six foot goldfish who wears a straw hat and sun glasses and goes everywhere with me. I met her on a report to the deepest jungles of the Amazon. The natives gave me a drink in recognition of me saving their culture for humanity and Mrs flipper has been with me ever since telling me to kill people invade and spread chaos…I won an Oscar for that. KC MY GOD! I’ve got a wife just like yer…..She a flounder in a kaftan but of a dish.. Bojo Tell me Johnyboo so the fish tell you what to do? John Simpson Yes All the time… Bojo Is she with us at the moment…. John Simpson No she’s outside manning the getway tandem… Bojo Your highness quick I have got an idea…..…. Later Eric in an orange shell suit OY Johny Boo Its Flipper…… John Simpson Yes dearest Eric My you do look stupid in yer Flamenco dress why not borrow a shell suit and blond wig off your new friend kingy…. John Simpson What ever you say dearest Eric Oh and Johny boo You sign this confession that Mr Bojo drawn up and wait until the nice men come for you then we’ll meet up…. John Simpson What ever you say dearest Eric Johnyboo John Simpson Yes Dearest Eric MMMMMMMMMMMMMM POP! A kiss.. Bojo Your highness put the Flamenco dress on and lets scarper Bojo Eric KC BYEEE John John Simpson Wait!! Sweetest how about nuptials Eric OH if you inisist..... KC Bojo OH God Can't look Several hours later John Simpsoneyes rolling aeround... WOOOOOOOOW! Eric Cough, Bye Bye dearest see you later…. Bojo Oh drat its the Usher and he wants more than a fondant fancy! Eric Oh if I must! Several hours later KC OK Eric Bojowe're free that was close now get peddling it’s a bloody long way to Dover… Eric OH £$££$$!
KC (Dressed as a flamenco dancer) arrives at Calais on a Tandem powered by Eric and Bojo KC My that was a peddle several thousand miles. The pyrenness were a bit chilly, good job I had my castanets to sort the pace on them peddles ….what ?what Eric? Bojo? Eric Wheeze Wheeze ERM I …….can’t ………breathe Bojo Yes…….wheeze Your……..wheeze highness……..I think…. wheeze Eric….. wheeze needs CPR. KC Oh come on chaps that was jolly good fun….bit of exercise loose some of that spare tyre…We’ve hit the hard bit How the bloody hell are we going to get to Dover and dear old blighty….we’ve no passports….no money…..should we swim? Eric You can wheeze go and wheeze £$£%& wheeze yourself Bojo Your highness lets just thumb a lift fiddly boo be home in a jiffy…… KC Good idea….. Several days later…… Truck VROOOOOOOOOM BEEEEEEEEEEEEP Show us your…..BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP VROOOOOOM Eric Up yours yer cheeky trucker…oh go on then KC Eric pull yer trolleys up….do you have to do a mooney at every truck that beeps you….so much for this good idea…. Bojo Your highnes perhaps you should stand by yourself and thumb for a lift while we hide behind this fence and make sure you do some Spanish Flemco dancing with your castenets and win em with yer charm. KC Good Idea Bojo ….Click Clack Clack Clack Click……..Oh its working a trucks pulling up…. Truck Driver Ello darling jump in…. KC (High pitched voice) Oh nice truck driver man…….Oh this is a very swish crushed red velvet padded cab….with fitted water bed and tiger skin duvet….. And a cocktail cabinet and surround sound….MI what big cowboy boots you’ve goy Truck Driver All the better to pushj those peddles honey…. KC Mi what a huge smiling skull ring you’ve got…. Truck Driver All the better to grip you with KC Mi What a huge snake skin gear stick you’ve got Truck Driver All the better to speed you up with…. KC GULP, Tell me truck driver chappie do you mind if I bring a couple of mi muckas with me… Truck Driver Corrrrrrrrr a three some hop on board [auto mod] cat your talking to the tiger of the tarmac GRRRRRR the more the merrier get em on board KC MIAW Oh good CHAPS! We ARE IN! Bojo Come on Eric quick we’ve got a lift Truck Driver (Sees Eric and Bojo in his mirror)……On second thoughts any more than twos a crowd hold on …….SLAM CLUNK VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! KC HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! Truck Stops 200 yards up the road door opens KC is flung out…. Truck Driver Get out you are freak I’ve heard all about you tory men dressing up…..GO ON GET OUT DON’T WANT YOUR SORT IN HERE…….DISGUSTING What you were trying to do to me SORDID!!!!!!!! Bojo Your hioghness thank god your safe….. KC That was bloody scary he lunged for me maracas….I had to fight him off with mi castanets….. Bojo You’ve not got any maracas….. KC I wouldn’t done if he had his way…..Its cockney rhyming slang Eric OOOOH kingy yer a rum un. I’ld never a thowt it of yer…… Later Bojo This idea isn’t working, we‘ve been here days…….WAIT! I’ve got another idea lets just hop into the back of a truck…. KC Why didn’t I think of that….. Eric Coz yer thick as Bratfert Town Hall dowor….. KC What ever you say faddy! But most of them are locked Bojo….. Bojo Your highness not this one…..its open…..quick lets get in…. KC Oh good work….what does it say Volailles sous-produits et les fabricants de colle…Marsaille… what does that mean Eric?….. Eric Our free ticket £$£$%$£ OUT OF HERE! KC All aboard then….My its dark in here…ATISHOOOOOO! Bojo Fiddly boo it bloody hums….Eric old bean have you broke wind… Eric NOPE! I can’t smell a thing…..OH the wagons started…. VROOOOOOOOM! KC OH God the door locked…we are locked in… Bojo Your Highness that OK ATISHOOOOO before we know it we will be in blighty…oh we are going down a ramp we must be going on the ferry…HOLD ON! Eric What did say blondie? OH DEAR! OOOOOOOOOOOOH Swooooooooosh I’m sliding downt trailer….BANG! OH That hurt…Thank god I caught it Bojo Youyr highness ATISHOOOOO oH we are going up a ramp we must be in the Cargo deck KC Toppo Bojo ATISHOOOOOO! Eric What did say blondie? OH DEAR! OOOOOOOOOOOOH Swooooooooosh I’m sliding downt trailer again…. Bojo I’LL light a match …….OH NOOOOOOOO! (Bojo light the match to see him and KC are sat on seerval sack of feathers and chicken carcases. They look up to see Eric sliding towards them at speed holding a lage barrel of liquid heading directly for them) KC OH NO! (Match goes out) Eric OH Hello…..Hold on Kingy I‘m coming into land with a very sticky sitation WOOSH BANG WIZ BOOOF Glug Glug….. KC Bojo Eric ATISHOOOOOOOOO! ATISHOOOOOOOO! KC OH GAWWWWWD Bojo Wait I’ll light another match your highness…..OH Dear! The match reveals that they’ve all been covered in feathers and glue…and Eric eating several chicken carcasses…. Eric OH this is finger licken good….thowt it said ‘Poultry by-product and glue manufactures’ ont side…. Bojo Atishoooooo So why didn’t you tell us….. Eric Miu French isna perfect….unless it £$£$% swearing….. KC OH Dear we must be at sea Its getting a bit choppy…..I don’t feel well….Atishoooooooo.. Eric Ya looook like $£$%$£ Orvall do ya want some chicken…. KC Bojo I think we’ll pass we feel a bit tiddly widdly bit sick….. Eric Suit thisen…… Several Hours Later…… BOJO KC OH DEAR OOOOOOH AAAAAAAGH BARRRRF Eric Wait the truck engines stoped we must be in Dover…… KC BOJO ERIC HEEEEEEELP HEEEEEEEELP ……. Bojo Someones coming…… Wagon Door Open KC OH GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS We are home in Blighty what what! BOJO HA HA Human faces….Fiddly boo English voices whoopee do Eric Well yer took yer $£$%$£ time yer great bunch er £$£$%$£….. Immigration Man….MORE ILLEGALS….Fred get the van…..I haven’t a clue what language they speak……OK YOU COMMY OUTIO! KC Look you stupid man I’m yer bloody king…what what. Immigration man Your having a GRIRAFFE SO COMMY OUTIO PRONTIO YOU IN TROUBLIO. Bojo Your highness we better get out….. Immigration Man Oh GOD they stink of rotting Fanny Craddock Its some Bicrardi Breezers in funny feather outfits What have we got here its the cast of Sesame Street Its Big Bird, Grover, and you I assume are the cookey monster Would you christmas eve it OK WHERE ARE YOU FROMIO! Bojo Your highness let me they appear toi be more cockneys and as Mayor of London I speak their lingio We went on 'oliday ter spain ter meet a Ice Cream Freezer 'oo 'ad 'ard boiled Borra And Beg it wif the bloody kings trouble and strife. it aw went Pete Tong and the Barnaby Rudge put us in Bucket and Pail. luckliy we knew anovver Ice cream Freezer 'oo was Mum and Dad. Immigration Man I beg your Osamah bin Laden...Fred they seems to state they are escape convicts…..who esacaped disguised as muppetts who speak cockney Bojo Daan't be Daffy Dahn Dilly. we were Jack Jones and we 'ad ter get Hammer and Tack to the Pope in Rome. the bloomin' pitch 'n' toss met a Heap Of Coke wif big Daisy Roots in 'is sherbet dab. 'e tried ter grab 'is cobbler's awls. it was scary but we escaped by the Vera Lynn of our Hampstead Heaf. we were Hearts of Oak so we needed a new plan. Immigration man They are Mum and DAd but do anything for money icluding impersonating muppets....strange people... Bojo 'eaven and 'ell. we got a lift in the bloody Hammer and Tack of the bleedin' lorry. we were very Biscuits and Cheese ter clock ya 'cause me Jack Sprat China Plate covered us in feather and glue….. Immigration man Don't get yer Alan Whickers in a twist Fred they are illegals dressed as big bird Bojo Oh dear. we 're in the Brad Pitt. kin' cameron is your pitch 'n' toss. ya will be in Barney Rubble if ya do not do as we order or are we in an Elloitt Ness Immigration man Unless your seeking assylum your in the Elliot Ness as you will be sent back to the Jimmy Nail you escaped from OK and your in the Thomas up to your Gregory Peck KC Bojo Eric WE WANT TO CLAIM ASYLUM IN YOUR GREAT COUNTRY. Immigration man OK Ring Nass and tell em we've three feathered friends for them from planet Sesame..they'll needs some wire wool and ring the hospital for trick cyclist..... Several Days Later KC This is a bloody turn up for the book…seeking asylum in mi own kingdon. What is this bloody place anyway….Are we any where near Number 10.….Pass me the turps and the wire wool ATISHOOOOO! Bojo Your Higness I think they call it Chatsworrth Estate… KC OH Good Where’s my old mucka his Grace the Duke of Devonshire…. Eric Not that $£$%$£ Chatworth Quiffy Yer up north now…. KC We’re up the Gary Glitter….living on Rice and Pasta….Rough Toilet paper…..Tap water….Aldi beans this is hell on earth….OH how I pine for champers and truffels Eric Yer right kingy that paper is rough Mi Ass is like a £$£$£$% Cherry... KC Thats not the tilet paper its the turps and wire wool we are using to get the feathers and glue off you oaf WE ALL LOOK LIKE BLOODY LOBSTER THANKS TO YOU! ATISHOOOO! Bojo Your highness Where’s our Dunkirk spirit…..ATISHOOOO! KC I’m bloody not drinking any cheap plonk or that white lightning send mi squiffy….Frank our next door neighbour asked me about that and Eric DO NOT eat all the ASDA WHOOPSIES! Bojo Your Highness Its in the paper that we got our chips in….Since you were lost in Spain Cleggs has become Regent with Georgie as deputy…Number 10 has been painted yellow and it’s a Liberal led Coalition….. KC WHAT WHAP WHOOP WHIP WHEN WHERE WHO JUDIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bojo Your Highness We must remain calm if we are to regain your kingdom….We must make contact with allies….wait its ringing Ring Ring Ring Ring Hello Number 10 Downing Street, Liberal Towers, His Imperial highness Cleggs gaff KC Georgie is that you? Georgie Is that your higheness, your highness? KC Yes Georgie IT is I your king… Georgie Heaven be praised….William he’s alive!…..Where are you? Are you coming back….It all changed….Cleggs is in charge….I’m a butler….Hagues a parlour maid….Simon Hughes is the governess…..they sealed Mumsy Crypt….your picture was burned…..Its awful….Wait he here SSSSSSHHHHH! Cleggs Osbourne why are you on the phone….You’ve toilets to clean…..silver to polish…..and my virtues to extoll get to it…..and Hague buff yer head…This is a lIberal House for Liberal Leaders we are in charge now. Georgie Your Excellency…. KC George are you there…. Georgie Your Highness yes…when are you back KC George Its early days but be assured I will return…..
Bojo Oh what a beautiful morning..... KC What do yer bloody well mean....we've been moved to some dump called Chatsworth.....they think were jolly bloody foreigner asylum seekers supported by NAS.....and JUDI is still in charge I've got a phone interview with my support worker .....and I still look like big bird from Sesame street..... BeaUTIFUL MORNING WE'vE NEVER AD IT SO BAD! Eric Keep yer hair on kingy... KC KEEP MI HAIR ON! ITS BECAUSE OF YOU THAT I CANNOT GET IT OFF! BAFFOON! Eric Us asylum seekers do suffer stress... KC I'm orft to the Emergency Walk in Centre for some medical help....This Turps and wire wool ain’t working..... Later at the Walk in Centre Bojo Oh Hello Reception man yes we three Kings all drowned in tar covered in feathers we travelled from afar...Turps and wool we tried in vain, we look like beetroots and we are in pain...Can yer help us... Receptionist NAME! KC King Cameron Of England Scotland Lord of the Seven Seas..... Receptionist IS that King with a capital K... KC Yes....Elector of Hanover and the Holy Roman Empire..... Receptionist Is that King as in King DAVID CAMERON KC Yes ...Keeper of mumys Crypt... Receptionist Cameron former Leader of the Country KC OOOOOOH You've heard of me....Chaps he knows me...Fine man Receptionist Please take a seat there may be a slight delay....Its the cuts you know... KC Oh fine receptionist man you can rely on us I've made five promises for the NHS first is erm, well erm, Bojo Your highness Keep waiting lists low..... KC NO! that was a typo error it should have said KEEP WAITING LIST SLOW easy just have one huge list which goes down as people snuff it...problem solved.....the second is erm erm erm oh yes maintain spending.....another typo should have said maintenance pending.....just let everything fall to bits...no hospital...no treatment....no waiting list simple Receptionist AND REDUNDANCY! KC We all have to make sacrifices Mi third promise Erm Erm Erm oh yes Ensure care is coordinated.... Receptionist What does that mean..... KC Nothing at all....Next Oh yes Health will be universally available.. Receptionist AND, KC Well are you'RE healthy aren't ya... Receptionist Yes? KC Well there you are man promise delivered.. Receptionist What happens if I'm unhealthy... KC Well you'll have to pay for that...And last Free at the point of delivery.... Receptionist Oh good! KC Yes New treatments Enemas for all, works bloody wonders.. I swear by them... Eric So do %$£$%% I kingy Receptionist TAKE A SEAT! Three Hours Later KC Mr Receptionist man This is the Urgent Treatment Clinic.... Receptionist YIP! KC Located in the Rocket Suite.... Receptionist YIP! KC Where we see the EMERGENCY DOCTOR Receptionist YIP! KC WELL THIS IS AN EMERGENCY WHEN CAN I SEE HIM Receptionist Please be patient patient we run a triage system... KC But there's only us here... Receptionist But there might be another emergency... KC But there isn't Receptionist But there might and besides... KC Yes? Receptionist Health care is being rationed...Its the cuts you know....SO TAKE A SEAT! Three Hours Later Dr Flash BIG BIRD, GROVER, AND THE COOKIE MONSTER COME THROUGH..... KC BOJO ERIC That’s US..... Dr Flash Come in Come in tell me are you Mr Cameron... KC YIP DR Flash King Cameron KC YIP BOJO HE KNOWS ME! Dr Flash King Cameron who making cuts to the National Health Service and making me REDUNDANT! KC Well ERM ERM Bojo Eric YIP! Dr Flash well tell me your complaint... KC Well there was this stupid man on reception who didn't take kindly to be put straight on a thing or two..... Bojo Your highness not that what’s wrong with you! KC OOOOOOOOH Eric Tarred and Feathered us all and it won't come orft! Been scrubbing for hours.... Eric Yes I've got a right big rash on my rusty...... Dr Flash OOOH this is serious......We have a special ointment to negate the effects of the glue and to remove the feathers..... KC BOJO ERIC OOOOOOOH Dr Flash Yes we will put you under a mild anesthetic and apply the lotion....Here drink this..... KC ERIC BOJO Gulp Gulp Gulp KC OOOOH I feel slightly tidily NIGHT! Bojo So do I BYEEEEE! Eric OH $£$$£ ZZZZZZZZZZ 1 hour later Dr Flash AH Gentlemen you are coming round you will be pleased to know the treatment was a success all the feathers and glue is gone.... KC BLOODY HELL BOJO YER AS BALD AS A COOT ....ERIC YOU LOOK LIKE A BOWLING BALL! Dr Flash Yes that is a side effect it removes all body hair....you will have to keep wearin the gowns as you skin is sensitive..... KC ARGGGGGGGGGH! I look like the bloody Dali Larma.... Eric OOOOOH Mi skin is as soft as a babies bum. Bojo Rather Dashing what...tell me doc is there any treatment for the side effects.... Dr Flash If you can pay....Its the cuts you know.... KC What are we supposed to do you oaf were skint... Dr Flash Vote Labour and join a monastery! NEXT! Bojo Your Highness we must get back to the penthouse for the phone call from the Support Worker...... KC Dr Flash you will regret this....right gang lets split.....in a line all together...Eric get the reception bell Bojo KC Eric DING! ARHUMMMMMMM! ARUMMMMMM! ARUMMMMMMM! Hari Krishna Hari Krishna Krishna Krishna Hari Hari ARUMMMM....... Back at the Pad KC Well gang that wasn't too bad we collected £1.98 some chicken tika massala and lots of flowers....Brighton the place up Ring Ring Ring Ring Bojo Your highness the phone KC HELLO!...Oh Mr Support Worker....yes when are you moving us back to mi pad in London....Its all very nice here mould on the walls, no hot water, blocked toile, cling film for windows graffiti modern art fer wallpapers saying 'UP YOUR QUIFFY'.....but..... well.......Its not very regal...Its also full of them well oiky Scrounging Loafers types you know Labour Voters..Oh how I miss the satin sheets some one to wipe your bum..OH sorry .WHAT we're not going tio London....We could be here for years.....l should be grateful.....WHAT ARE WE SUPOSED TO LIVE ON? Oh we get an allowance...OOOOOH thats not bad....Tell me is that mi morning papers and Earl Grey Allowance....NO! Thats for everything....HA HA HA HA Oh nice one old bean....for a minute YI thought you were joking.....This is Georgie...you had me then you raskal....Its not George..you're called Jasper....and that is all we get and if I don't like it I can be helped back to where I come from......OOOOOOH right Well Jasper chappy I don't like it and I don't like you....Jasper what a stupid name....Help me...you wouldn't give a door a bang....are you annoyed oh getting there good.....well you may be on the phone but your breathe really hums and yer accent is COMMON....Are your fuming well I'll be waiting outside to get out of this dump as you will be taking me back to where I'm from…. number 10.....NO! your sending the police around to extradite me back to Spain.....Jasper old bean I was only joking.....you must have a sense of humour.....one of my dads was called Jasper and I love it here I really do.....and £5 per week I Will live like a King....sorry you were saying......OK then £2.50/week all three of us will do our best to live like a king and his court....Am I happy? I'm over the moon.....so you won't be calling us again for 5 years and we aren't to call you....yes that will be fine Bye! Bojo Your highness were in the Thomas up to our Gregory. KC YIP! Eric Unless you have a plan kingy! KC And you are just full of it aren’t you from king to commoner from big bird to Buddhist all because of YOU! Eric So you don't want to hear it then Kingy.....and you don't want to get out of here? KC OK Eric mi old matey...fire away... Eric Well Theresa MAY! KC Yes we know that's her name.... Eric No you idiot She the $%$% Immigration minister.... KC OH Great Congratulations Theresa! Bojo No your highness I think he’s onto something she could give us leave to remain.... KC OH STOP MUCKIN ABOUT how can you leave only to remain.... Bojo Your Highness You are hard work we would get the right to reside in the UK... KC BUT I RULE THE GAFF! Bojo Not until we sort the weasel out! KC OOOOH! Good idea....I 'll call her Ring Ring Ring Ring KC OH HELLOOOOOO! Theresa are you there its bunny calling....my you sound well remember the summer of 1997.....Yes its was so upsetting we lost to Blair but we made up for it with a bit of you know what....Tell me honey...... George Your Highness? Or is this his Excellency Clegg. OOOOOOH Its you Georgie....You got a real girlie voice....Was it you dressed as Theresa in 1997......Its your King... George Yes it was.... What can I do for you.... KC Get Theresa to get our Asylum Claims fast tracked for a right to reside! George Will do, they are in the post, but there a problem you will have to lie low as Cleggs knows your are in the UK...I will ring when its safer....in the meantime you will...... have to....... well......erm become a scrounger on benefits to survive or get a job.. KC Benefit it is then cheers Georgi Bye!..... Pass me the phone Bojo KC OH is that the DWP yes I want to make a claim as a doley scrounger DWP Whatr benefit do you want to claim for? KC……What for? Because I am a KING you stupid man….oh fir what benefit….well for mine of course…. DWP Its Job Seekers Allowance or Employment Support Allowance KC MMMMM First one sounds fun is it like hunt the thimble….nanny loved that…. DWP No its to hekp get you a Job. KC WHAT! I have to search for a job…ME SEARCH FOR A JOB I can’t do that… DWP WHY NOT! KC I can’t work because I’m ROYAL…We can’t possibly do that well because I’m err erm never done anything like that EVER!….OOOOH Is that you George bit of a Jokey Wokey…. DWP NO ITS FIR REAL KINGS HAVE TO WORK KC Well stone the bloody crows what is the world coming to since that weasel came to power….next thing I’ll have to wipe my own …..OH its ESA then.. yes I want to claim ESA… DWP OK King Cameron address KC I live at Number 10 Downing Street London….. DWP That not possibler Mr Clegg lives there KC WHAT WHOP WHIT WAP DON’T MENTION JUDI DWP Your current address? KC 3 Sluminit Towers Chatworth Estate…No I have no income or savings since NAS stopped….. DWP Do you or did you own assets in ot outside ther UK? KC OH yes I had some land…. DWP WHERE? KC Well all over the bloody gaff really they called it Great Britain and the Empire…NO I am not joking…Do you think I would Joke about being deposed by a weasel… DWP Do you have these assets now? KC No and I did not say I deprived myself of assets…It was a fix up by Judi and I want to punch him. DWP Your Barking? KC No I am not three hours ago I was Big Bird from Sesame Street and now I am the Dali Larma,. DWP Just a few health questions can you pick up an empty card board box KC Why on earth would I want to do that. That’s what Bojo does… DWP Can you learn a simple task KC ? DWP That a no then…Can you raise a hand to press a button on a telephone… KC Good god no what would the world be coming to.. DWP Can you get to a familiar or unfamiliar location KC Depends if mi chauffer free… DWP can you cope with social engagement KC I mix only with the very best in society… DWP Can you understand a simple message from a stranger… KC Not if they are from Bradford.. DWP Can other people comprehend you. KC Hang on….Well Chaps?.... That’s a definite NO DWP I’m please tp say you have no capability for work what so ever? KC I was right then Kings should not be working Topo..What next DWP We’ll send the forms in the post and you’ll receive £67.50…. KC Well that’s an improvement…is that an hour…NO! a W W W W W W Week. Well thanks a bunch….And you too…..BYE … Right that’s me sorted out you two will have to sod off and get a job….. Later that evening all sat around the brazier in the flat Bojo Your highness I’ve tried to get a job but no one wants me..they say I’m too posh… Eric Speak fir yersel Quiffy I’m a receptionist… KC See Bojo even that can get a job…. Bojo He will he works at Lillian’s Brothel…. Eric That is a reputable establishment for clients of the more odd persuasion…and I go down a £$£$£$ storm….I’ve made thousands…We’rer starting a franchise…there may be some openings for yer…Phone work Boris… KC This is bloody serious Gang we are turning bloody native….we’ll end up turning into…. DING DONG DING DONG KC Frank how can we help yer Frank YOOOOOHOOOOO DALI Are you in Want a PARRRRTY? HICK….Its not can you help me billard ball head….Its what I can do for you SSSSSSSHHHHH HICK! I’vvvvve gort a seceret BURP KC Yes? Frank Well I thought oh graciouuuus one HICK that we, meaning me and my compatriate Lillian, could have well a little tidly widdly house warming trp celebrate our new employee….oh pardon me. KC Oh go on then we need cheering up! Frank Okay your inscrutableness….Weed its is….Get the glasses Have some Cider…While I sort out your request HICK! Lillian Now then I’m an entrepreneur in the hostess industry so if you want to taste our services I’m in the flat above….only clean honest fun in my place….Oh thanks don’t mind if I do CHEERS…… KC tell me frank what is your secret I tell you yours if you tell me mine…. Frank Well your smoothness there only three ways out of Chatsworth in a box, in a bottle or on ganja…suck puff blow…..wow have a puff on that….So what’s your seceret.. KC Suck Puff Blow….WOW! MAN! Well I’m a king you know….Bojo Bojo Suck Puff Blow….WOW! MAN! And I’m a Queen! Eric Eric Suck Puff Blow….WOW! MAN! I’m just £$£$% disgusting Frank So you’re a king are you, but you look so eastern Suck Puff Blow….Slurp burp hic WOW! MAN! KC Ye I used to rule this country I’m called King Cameron… Suck Puff Blow….Slurp burp hic WOW! MAN! Bojo Yeh he was Tory PM Suck Puff Blow….Slurp burp hic WOW! MAN! THUD Frank Sorry about that I can’t stop myself head butting Tories Suck Puff Blow….Slurp burp hic WOW! MAN! KC Thanks that’s OK Suck Puff Blow….Slurp burp hic WOW! MAN! Frank So how did you end up here? Suck Puff Blow….Slurp burp hic WOW! MAN! KC WELL? We went to Spain…..(several hours later)…..and that was it so now we are skint can you lend us a tenner….. Lillian Bojo Eric ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ! Frank I’ll tell thi what kingy me and you are similar HiC thrown about on the sea of life….but you could earn some Wonga…. KC OH How… Frank Well just look after some tomata plants for me and I’ll pay you a grand. You’ll be well a like a kitchen gardener…. KC Oh sounds fun….done…. Several Days Later Eric Wow man can I have some more salad…It’s well CRAZY! KC Bojo how’s the job hunting doing… Bojo (Up to his arms in baking flour) Sorted I’ve stated a job making and selling sun dried tomato Italian bread…they are selling like hot buns The local oiks love them. I can’t make enough… KC OH good…..Tell me how are the Tomatoes doing ARGGGGGGH Eric Bojo Yeh Man! KXC We are dead DING DONG DING DONG Frank Yeh Dalai I have come to pick up mi tomatoes….. KC Well frank ERm Erm OH dear!..... Frank WHAT WHERE ARE THEY Bojo Eric High Man! Frank We are dead MiMi will kills us…I am out of here…and if you take my advice so will you SCATTOR! KC OH Jumping jolly beans you two have done it know…we are dead! Eric Chill man Bojos got a plan! KC Is it like the last one? Bojo No man its much better than that…. KC WELL! Bojo Not saying fiddly boo it’s a secret. HA HA HA KC WHAT! Tell me now before you get hydroponically irrigated … Bojo There a Job Vacancy! KC OOOH Whoopee do! We are about to be killed and you want to apply for a job…Give me some of that bread Bojo But this is a job in London man…It’s in the Mirror ‘Professional family seek a valet to look after them, a butler for when they entertain, and the madam of the house is keen to employ an excellent dresser because she is already a fashion icon . Applicants for the job will have to be friendly and patient as well as being good at the job. They will need to get on with their employer on a personal level and help her along the way, while not becoming too familiar. Cool Man KC Me serve on people are you barking… Bojo Well Daddyoh we would be near your Pad of Westminster eating the best scran in the pantry and more importantly alive…you dig. Ding Dong Ding Dong MiMi Open this $£$%%$£ Door chrome dome! KC (Peering through peek hole) She’s got a shotgun we are dead..Right Topo idea Bojo London it is….Lets Split Man Every one on the tandem OK …DING! ARHUMMMMMMM! ARUMMMMMM! ARUMMMMMMM!......AND EVERYONE PEDDLE… ….Hari Krishna Hari Krishna Krishna Krishna Hari Hari
Bojo Boris Johnsom, KC King Cameron , Eric Eric Pickles, Geogie George Osbourne
The trio have left the Chatsworth estate heading back to the smoke on a tandem looking like three Buddhist monks……
Phone Booth Watford Gap
Ring Ring Ring Ring KC George who are this professional couple who want some staff… George Your highness they are an old family. The father is delighted you’ve all become Buddhist monks. I think it’s got you the job. Once you are settled in we will sort out a way to get you restored. Cleggs is intolerable. He’s erased you from all government records. You no longer exist and I hate him. Serving on him hand and foot. He’s an upstart. A pompous popping jay . I’ve started weeing in his Earl Grey. He’s so common he thinks its lemon. Anyway your interview the is at 2.30 so get peddling good luck and you want Mr Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg Junior. KC Oh some bloody foreigner….could be worse….could be them bloody greek pretender nutters Bojo Perish the thought…. Later DING DONG….. Mrs Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg Jnr AH darling it’s the Dalia Lama…You should have rang…. KC Look old maid of the bloody housey here‘s mi hat and kaftans….show me to your boss chappy I believe he’s expecting me…..mi you've had a WILD hair day! Mrs Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg Jnr Erm thank you your spiritual sereness….no we have had no news you were calling…Anyway we would have asked darling to ask his Mumsy to invite us all to her pad as we have no staff. I’m reduced to answering the door….. KC That what I bloody mean you stupid old bat. We’ve come for the interview with your boss….Oh and mums the word about you are having a bit of how’s your father with him…. Mrs Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg Sorry? KC Well I mean, your no oil painting, yer a bit long in the tooth, so what if he wants a nibble with the old trout from under the stairs it’ll lighten your evening years…We won’t say a thing. Discretion is my middle name…. Mrs Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg OH GOOD! Then meet my husband Mr Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburgu Jnr better known as Prince Charles…. KC GULP! Prince Charles Camilla Darling show them in….gentlemen I am interviewing on behalf of my eldest son…. Bojo OH Dear….Your Highness Prince Charles, Camilla, KC, YES! Bojo We believe you want a chef, valet/dresser and a butler…. Prince Charles Oh I say that’s bang on….tell me how long have you been Buddhist…..do you talk to plants….luv the heads KC Oh I talk to these two all the time…bloody wearing on the nerves…..but the fat ones quite a good cook….the daft ones a good butler…..and I am the best dresser in a Saville row suite and a tea cosy for mi head…. Prince Charles I am not sure your right your rather odd….and besides…. KC OK OK I am sorry….I shouldn’t have insulted your wife… Prince Charles OH Don’t worry about that I call her much worse…NO I’m not sure you’re a true Buddhist….. Eric My recipe repertoire is home grown organic local produce…No chemicals for me….My body is a temple like St Pauls that Icon of British architecture….god forbid we use Netto that carbuncle on the face of British cooking…… Prince Charles..MMMMMM! Bojo Is that a kabalistic piece of artwork I espy wonderful…Mount Athos is beautiful this time of year. We are thinking of retreating there again this summer…The peace is beautiful…Tell me isn’t your father Greek. You must be so proud. OH MI GOD! That corner is full of Greek Orthodox Icons…Its so you….. Prince Charles Do you think so…Me and Pops go to Mount Athos each year yes it splendid. KC OH MY Goodness me you do look rather peeky…must be all that work you do…Eric rustle up a comfrey detox tincture infused with lemon balm rub on twice a day…. Prince Charles OOOOOOOOH! Bojo Your highness or should I say Pisimwa Kamiwohkitahpamikohk we are in awe of the work you do against discrimination….so unlike your dad. Prince Charles Well the Cree Nation are very close to my heart…. Bojo I bet you thought that was magic….but you are a member of the magic circle after all…. Prince Charles OOOOOH How do you know that. Do you want to see mi cups and balls none can do that trick like me….. KC I bloody believe you…..here try some snuff you as well Camilla…bloody good stuff straight from the Chatsworth Estate Prince Charles OOOOH You know the Duke of Devonshire…. Everyone SNIFF COOOOOOOOOOORRR! Prince Charles Better than the Duchy Original ganja YOUHOOO ASPISISTRA! KC ERRRRRM.. lets us pray all join hands….. Bojo DING! ARHUMMMMMMM! ARUMMMMMM! ….Hari Krishna Hari Krishna Krishna Krishna Hari Hari HAVE WE GOT THE J-O-O-O-B Hari Hari Prince Charles and Camilla YEH MAN! Start tommoz Clarence House… KC Your Highness yer on….OK gang lets go….BIYEEE… Prince Charles and Camilla ZZZZZZZZ! Later at Clarence house KC Oh the doors open chaps....lets go in .....bloody hell what a pad... Bojo Your highness there a letter....Dear Dalia I'm orft to Wales with mi chopper....keep house....ring ya later....Wills KC Well stone the bloody crows.....look at the cobtail cabinet...Oh here's the wine cellar all the bubbly anyone could want... Eric Oh Yer Cootiness look at the larder it's &%$%$£ HUGE! Duchy sides of pork smoked hams, pheasant, hundreds of sirloins all organic mind you....OOOOH The pantry hundreds of cheeses...Its like Fortnum and £$$£ mason... Bojo Your highness look at the size of these beds, BUMPF, and so fiddly boo soft....pillow fight with real goose feather pillows....anyone....look at the bath its olympic size...wheres mi ducky KC And we have to keep house chaps....This work bit is not bad...OH DRAT! Bojo Your Highness KC I'm on bloody ESA...Not allowed to work! Bojo Unless its permitted work! KC OH this will be permitted alright.... Later The three are sat in the parlour in tartan smoking jackets, fezs and carpet slippers KC This is alright Bojo….pass me the smoked salmon….One lump or two in yer Earl Grey Eric….remember keep the little pinky outstretched.... Eric Your baldiness Well I’d never er thowt it….oh two lumps….we howd fort for Prince Bill while E’s int styx playin biggles….Bojo one toasted crumpet? Bojo Please Eric with the Duchy Raspberry preserve… KC Well the bloody Times are full of the Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg clan seems they are having a bit of a do….it’s the old buffer ninetieth birthday…turn the page Bojo…yes and loads are invited…OH Bojo Bojo Yes your highness KC Cleggs is invited to the do….we will have to serve on him hand and foot Eric Your Telly Savallasness He won’t recognise us….we’re as bald as coots….we’ve lost weight…..some more than others…..so donna worry Ring Ring Ring Ring Bojo Duke of Cambridges residence….Ah your Grace….you are returning later today and will be at Grandmas for the do, you want us to get over there and help out. sorry, oh everything is great. NO we've not touched a thing. Good bye your Grace. KC Crack open another bubbly Bojo Oh I suppose we will have to move into the attic tommoz. Eric you must put clean bedding on his Graces bed before we get ready for the do….. Bojo Your highness Of course….but wait…..Cleggs is going to the do….we are going to the do…..AND he does not recognise us……I have a plan…..revenge will be ours…..you will be king again……lets go to bed.... KC You lock up Eric.... Eric %$£$%% I'll just check the larder secure.....
KC Right we’re orft to the the garden/birthday party…remember our plan to sort Cleggs out Bojo Your highness I’ve heard these are toppo events mountains of caviar gallons of champers fiddly boo and chance to do the Weasel in Eric Yer but quiffy donna forget that we are the servants now….. KC MMMMMM! Oh we’re here…Later….. QE2 OK chaps this is a very very very important do…My husband and I are so pleased to be here…… KC Say who’s the old bird with the big hat…. Bojo Your Highness That’s the Queen…. KC Well stone the bloody crows SAM CAM She has gone to the bloody dogs…she must a bin pinning for me while I was orft on mi jollies….YOUHOO SAY QUEEENY IT IS I SNUGGLES TELL ME WHOS THE OLD BUFFER YOU’VE GONE AND GORT HITCHED TOO…LOOKS A RIGHT NARNA WITH THEM BIG EARS….PSST bojo There is no way I am getting back with that old trout….pinning for me or not she’s really gone orft, big ears can ave her….I’ll have to get some new totty….FORRRR! QE2 …..Will you all keep quite when one speaks to one’s servants….its so rude to ones employer and monarch…..Your so like our PM Cleggs RUDE! KC OOOOOH HEAR HEAR….HATTY! QE2 I Meant you BALDY ONE! Bojo Your Highness SSSSSSSHHHHH! She’s the Queen Elizabeth II! KC Where she Queen off? Coz I’m King of Great Britain so it can’t be there, Bojo Of erm erm erm Albion! KC Well that sounds bloody important! I used to go in a pub with that name…Is she a Landlady….JUMPING JELLY BEANS! I’VE GOT IT! ITS MRS WALKER FROM THE ROVERS RETURN…OOOOH she hasn’t worn well QE2 OOOOOH You must be the Monks that my son employed….is it Mr Larma and Co?. KC I watched all your programmes…Bet Linch Wasn’t a patch on you….and your wearing the same gear. Its like a time warp….Only.. QE2 Yes! KC Well, dress sense aside…erm!. You have gone to bloody seed deary….. Bojo Maam I think he means you’ve gone to see’d all your mates at this garden party and I bet you’ld like to lynch a few of them… QE2 Quite! Well you will be greeting and meeting all our pals for this do. They will come in first and then the main guest will come in to a surprise welcome to start the garden party and you are the only staff. it’s the cuts you know. Clegg has been terrible. he thinks he owns everything its so hard keeping ones pecker up… Bojo Maam to save money Eric will supply his home made Tibetan stew for lunch and we have a surprise birthday prize for the dukes entertainment. QE2 OH Good Right to Work OK KC Bojo Eric OK QE2 OK WHAT! Bojo Eric OK your majesty KC SSSSSHHHH! You’ll blow our cover! Bojo Your highness…. KC QE2 YES! Bojo She’s a queen QE2 IS HE! KC No I’m not you rotter.. Bojo Just say Your Majesty,, Your Majesty KC Your Majesty…. QE2 Thankyou. KC Your Majesty QE2 YES! KC Didn’t say a word QE2 Mr Larma GET TO WORK! KC DON’T YOU SWEAR AT ME HATTY OR I’ll PUNCH YER BLOODY LIGHTYS OUT LANDLADY OR NOT!! Bojo Quick get over here and get ready to introduce the guests remember we are hear to topple JUDI….Eric you do the nibbles and champers and I’ll do front of house…. DING DONG KC Welcome! Guest Knight to see you to see you a knight… KC Oh Gawd….SIR BRUCEY… Eric Champers Mi Lord Sir Bruce ."I'm the leader of the pack which makes me such a lucky jack. And here you are, you’re so appalling but go on faddy do your pouring… Eric Fancy a bleanie chinny? Sir Brucy What a lovely audience, so much better than last week! Hang loose faddy, I'll be back in a deuce…YOOHOO QUEENY! Eric Glug Glug Bojo Eric stop swigging the champers Eric BUUUUUURRRRRRRP! QE2 Larma pour me a Duchy Original….…. KC OK Hatty….Pint of Newton and Ridley Bitter it is . Ding Dong Bojo Youir Highness the door……Eric More champers….unwrap the fondant fancies KC PUFF PUFF WEEZE! Welcome… Guest HA HA HA HA HA HA! KC WHO ARE YOU! Guest HA HA HA HA HA HALL! KC My Lords Brucey Someone shout me! KC My Lords MR STUART HALL! Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA your bald heads ha ha ha! Eric Sausage roll Hally ! Staurt HA HA HA Who ate all the pies Ha Ha Who ate all the pies ha ha ha ha Eric Smoke Salmon blennies actually and leave them Yeti Boots at the door Stuart HA HA HA Go On Them before you eat them all… Eric COP FOR THIS BUMPF! Staurt Thanks …..I’m Choking Ha HA oooh Bojo Your highness the birthday boys family are arriving in the tent from the great house…… KC OK OK…….WHA THE, Are you all from Norfolk?…..All them ears….Charlie you sit near Hatty….and take the bad hair day partner with you…. Camilla PARDON! KC I said….. Bojo AHEM! This way Maam…. KC AH The Duchesses of Wessex mind your dresses on the grass you two sit over there Ducheses of Wessex Where? KC Right over there keep going…..go on…keep going….Can you hear me! Ducheses of Wessex We can’t hear you? KC Good that far enough, Bojo Your highness Charge their glasses… KC Good idea OK Jug Ears you want any more plonk it’ll be a fiver…. Bojo NO! Eric pour the champers….. Eric Some Wine Mi Lardy BUUUUUUURRRRRRRP! Its verrrrry verrrry tasty…I feel ever soooo tiddly poo Ding Dong Bojo Your highness the door KC WHEEEEEEEEEEZE! Good Afternoon PUFF PUFF! Guest Hows about this then KC OH God (BANG door slammed shut) Ding Dong Guest NOW THEN NOW THEN….Its time for some SHA-----WADY-------WADY…..I’M the DJ KC My LORDS SIR JAMES OF SAVILLE! Sir Jimmy OY! Waiter where mi champers and my big cigar Eric Sir James Your Champers HIC and a big brown cigar I manufactured earlier BUUURP! Sir Jimmy Thanks (PUFF PUFF) OOOOAH deary deary me! It leaves a funny taste in my mouth this isn’t an Havanna.. … Eric No its nort a Hav Hav Haverna but I can promise it was frushly roolled this murning hic and dried in the range…. Bojo Your Highness Sir James is the DJ show him to his decks…. Sir Jimmy NOW THEN GUYS AND GALLS We have all the hits from the hit parade and start with CHECK IT OUT ‘Ooops upside ones head I say old bean oops upside ones head….. Bojo Your Highness the other princesses….of eerm Albion….ARGH Princess Anne are you well fiddly boo OK….. Princess Anne Oh we meet again…. Bojo DING DONG….. KC Is that the door…. Bojo NO IT ME! I’m in……..Fancy another Derby Annie…..or should I Call you Shergar Princess Anne NEIGH! TEE HEE Bojo Your highness Back in a Jiffy DING DONG Guest LET ME IN! KC (Looks through spy hole) NOT ON YOUR NELLY Eric Its Cleggs… Cleggs Let me in I am Lord of this land and what I say goes…NOW OPEN THE DOOR! QE2 Mr Larma Which one is at the door ! Bojo It’s the Prime minister Clegg Maam QE2 OH You have to invite him or he will reek revenge. Her rules like a tyrant… Cleggs I invited myself as the state is paying for the do SO OPEN UP or YOUIR BUDGET WILL GET REVIEWED! QE2 Mr Larma QUICK let him in! KC My Lords THE VERY COMMON JUDI CLEGGS Cleggs Don’t call me JUDI….Say aren’t you familiar…Get mi coat! KC ERM ERM ERM NO I’m from Tibet on a working holiday. Cleggs Oh Good so behave or you’ll be working your way back there. I’ve brought some help…Georgie, Hague role yer sleaves up and start work….Poor mi champers faddy and be quick about it…. KC PSSSSSST Right Eric get him drunk the plan has begun! Eric Your Champers Misteeeeer Clegg HIC! It verry verry posh! But what would you know about that hic……. Cleggs MMMMMMM! That’s better than blue nun pour some more….large one…How much does it cost….Eric £125/bottle Mr Cleggs More? Cleggs pour some more large one MOVE IT! I am in charge now…NO MORE MR NICE GUY…. KC Georgie hand out the menus….Willy you bring the rest of the Hattys family in….. Cleggs OH FADDY MORE CHAMPAGNE…..NOW OK Eric OOOOH you’ve polished the £$$£$£ bottle off HIC here have some more but take $£$$%% care or you will be £$$££$ like me BUUUUURP Cleggs When I want your opinion Hic I ask fooooor it OK until then JUUUUST POUR IT FADDY OK….whos this? Hague. OK Prince Andrew please follow me. NO your dodgy mates are barred. OH Dear ….Princess Bea and Eugene NO! its not fancy dress…your hats please………..Thankyou RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP that sorted them out…. ….didn’t anyone tell you you looked like boiled sweets…..Champers anyone……we appear to have run out of smoked salmon…..ERIC Princess Bea Eugene BOO HOO BOO HOO Eric BUUUUUURP…..Have some nuts…. Prince Andrew We already are bloody family is full of them…Where’s Daddy Eric did you know on average a bowl of nuts has in it five different traces of human excrement…..not many people know that…wanna pull mi finger BUUURP. DING DONG KC OH DEAR must go……. CRIPES! CALL THE POLICE Who invited Colnel Gaddaffi was it you Andrew….He’ll kill us Guest Open the bloody door….. KC OK Georgie Open the door Geogre Your Highness ONE TWO THREE GO>>>>>>> KC CHARRRRRRRRRRRGE Cop for that you dastardly bounder BIFF BAFF BUFF Guest What the OOH ARGH KC You COWARD! BIFF BUFF BAFF Guest GET OFF! OOOH OUCH KC YOU ARE GOING TO THE HAGUE COURT. BIFF BANG KAPOW QE2 Mr Larma why are you attacking my birthday boy husband.. Duke of Ed GET ORFT ME MAN! BLOODY FOOL! OH Hello dear tell me Where did you get that hat where did you get that hat and if I had one like that I would eat it…WOOOOOF WIFEY Georgie Your Highness Duke of Ed KC QE2 YES! Georgie Sir come this way Mr Larma was rushing out to greet you and tripped up… Duke of Ed DID HE! Tell mi what part of the exotic world are you three baldies from…. Eric Jimmy hit the music….Everyone SING! Everyone HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR Prince Philippos of Greece and Denmark Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg,Battenburg, Mountbatten Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth and Baron Greenwich, Knight of the Garter Knight of the Thistle, Order of Merit, Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the British Empire, Companion of the Order of Australia, Companion of The Queen’s Service Order, Privy Counsellor Lord High Admiral of the United Kingdom God of the Yaohnanen Happy birthday to you! Cleggs SHUT UP YOU LOT…..FADDY FADDY MORE CHAMPAIGNE HIC…….NOW PRONTO Georgie Mr Cleggs will you please sit down and behave…you appear to be tired…PSST Your highness he’s drunk….. KC Keep up the good work Eric . Cleggs DON’T YOU ORDER ME ABOUT…..I’m in charge HIC…..I’m the boss HIC….And you can rely on me Duck of Eddy that I will control immigration…. Duke of Ed.. Oh good I could get to like you… Cleggs Buuuuuuurp SCUSE ME HIC….Yip I’m fed up to here…of people comiming over here seeking asy….assy……assyl…..assylumi. Pickling my poocket in state handowts HIC…living on the shtate…breeding like rarebits….never lurfting a thinger…and looooking BURP down in yer…. Duke of Ed OOOOOH Fine man…. Clegggs YIP! I’m gunna send em all burck from where that they they that er came from… Duke of Ed OOOH Good… Cleggs YIP SO PACK YER BAGS ZORBA! Coz we the coalition are gonna bazooka you and all yer brats back to were yer from OK or WERK for a living….oh I don’t feel well too much bibbly….oh pass me yer hat BAAAAAAAARF…. Georgie Your Highness please come and sit back down Mr Cleggs is tired. I think we should serve lunch Cleggs WE WANT FOOD! WE WANT FOOD! QE2 MUSIC MAESTRO Sir Jimmy OK Duchess…..Happy Happy talking talk, talk about things we’ld like to do…… KC Eric quick get in the kitchen and get the food ready…and put this special herb in Cleggs stew he already drunk and now this will make him completely dotty so I can reclaim my thrown…. Eric I’m already on it BURRRRRP …..(Later) KC OOOOOOH Its that brown stew again……Please tell me you haven’t Eric Oh quiffy dunna be HIC so $£$% picky every dish has a little bit of me in it..and I’m so windy. KC Have you put the special herb in Cleggs Stew! My this is tasty Eric YIP I put the Chatsworth’s estate best herb in the stew…HIC KC NO NOT IN THE STEW…IN CLEGGS STEW….Everyone going to be high as kites OH dear I FEEL IM GOING POTTY HARRE KRISHNA MAN!. QE2 WOW ZORBA that was some tasty stew….COOOOOEEEEH CHARLIE! MY WHAT BIG EARS YOU HAVE Prince OOOOOH Mumsy yer right….I can talk to the trees but they don’t listen to me…tell me Camilla do you fancy it up your….. QE2 CHARLES The corgies are present! Prince OOOOOH Mummy what a good idea ZZZZZZZZZZ Duke Ed Good God everyone is starting to make sense….first time in years… Cleggs Ye man……I am so cool…. Sir Brucie V..V..V..V..V..V..V Very Good Stew! Sir James of Saville OOOOOAH OOOOOOOAH OOOOOOOAH Stuart Hall HA HJA HA HA HA HA HA HA George Bojo put the Derby Winner down everyones gone bloody potty…even his highness…. Bojo Oh Fiddle sticks….but we still have to get rid of Cleggs and carry on with the plan….EVERYONE WE HAVE AN ANOUNCEMENT TO MAKE IN CELEBRATION OF THE DUKES 90 BIRTHDAY WE ARE REOPENING ’It’s a Royal Celebrity Knockout.’ DA DA DA DAT DAT DAT DA DA….. Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA Yes its true we are back…..two teams Royals and celebrities will battle it out dudes for…… Sir Brucey Points…and Points make Prizes man…..Alright my love Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA HA Ye man you Celebrities so who will be captain…. Bojo George HERE HERE PM Cleggs has volunteered Cleggs YEH MAN I CAN DO ANYTHING HIC! Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA HA Ye man you ROYALS who will be captain…. KC I WILL MAN, HARRE KRISHNA, COZ I’M A KING…. Stuart WOW MAN HA HA HA HA Our first game is called Bagyourtell HA HA HA HA…. The captain dressed as a ping pong ball is fired at speed onto a huge psychedelic bagatelle….he bounces of the sides BOOM then hits various CRAZY bells to score points….but they are helped by team mates who catapult them back around the board….RIGHT TEAMS SO YOU ZIP THEM CAPTAINS INTO THOSE SUITS Cleggs KC ZZZZZZZZ What? Celebrity Teams In you go Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip Royal Teams In you go Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip Stuart Hall HA HA HJA HA OK LETS BEGIN!CLICK TWANG WOOOOOOOOOOOSH….. Cleggs OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!KC BY JOVE OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! DING BANG DING DING BANG DING…DING DING. Georgie We Are Helpless….. Bojo Eric Hague YIP! Staurt Hall OK teams get working….. Sir Brucey R R R R R R R Remember Points make prizes my loves TWANG TWANG BONG BONG DING BANG DING DING BANG DING…DING DING. KC OH This is CRAZY MAN WOOOOOH. Cleggs OH No not again! OUCH I’m not well TWANG BONK THUD WIZ DING KC OUCH OUGH CLEGGS OUCH OUCH Sir Brucey Ok Nice to see you two to see you two nice lets have a look at he old score boards Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA Celeberties 360 Royals 545 HA HA HA What! the royals are playing the Joker Duke of ED MOOOOOOO! Stuart Hall HA HA HA Our next game is called Flying high HA HA HA The captains have to remain in their ping pong ball suites HA HA HA mounted on a plane that takes off after shooting down a long ski slide…they then have to sky dive and be caught by another team member balanced on a high wire…..OK HA HA HA KC OH MAN I’M GONNA FLY! Cleggs OH NOPE! Stuart Hall HA HA HA Royals First…. Prince Charles How about me I’m the plane…. Sir Jimmy (On high Wire) Now then Now then another hit parade I wish we can fly high up in the sky but we can’t goodness gracious…… CLICK WOOOOOOOOOSH WEEEEEEEEEEEE! Prince Charles WOW I CAN FLY! My ears are working Can you see me Ma! KC Chocks away big ears Sir Jimmy (On High Wire) OOOOH AH OOOOOOH AH OOOOOOOH AH! KC OH DEAR We are parting company Biyeee Charles….Catch MEEEEEEEE! Prince Charles OOOOOOOH Dear…….WIZ THUD Sir Jimmy (On High Wire) NOW THEN NOW THEN Dr Jimmy can you fix it fir me to….. Wiiiiiiiz Sir Jimmy (On High Wire) be caught by you I watch all yours shows Yours Kingy OOOAH What’s that? WIIIIIIIIIIZ THUD… Sir Jimmy Dear Kingy I missed…So Don’t forget Clunk Click EVERY TRIP OOOOOOAH OOOOOAH Stuart Hall HA HA HA Now the Celebereties…. Cleggs YEH MAN I can fly by myself! CLICK WOOOOOOOOOSH WEEEEEEEEEEEE! Sir Brucie (On High Wire) Tip Tap Tip Tap Tip Start spreading the news…..all right my luv….. I am leaving today I want to be a part of it………OH sod that I’m off.. Cleggs Don’t leave ME MAAAAAAAAAN! WIZ THUD….. Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA Man Celeberties 536 Royals 745 HA HA HA oh what this the celebs are playing there joker….. Sir Brucey I'm the Knight of the pack which makes me such a lucky jack. And here we are we are behind, double points is what I had in mind…It could still be a big night if we play our cards rights….. Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA Celeberties 536 Royals 745 HA HA HA and for our last game it’s a race between the two captains…Both ping pong balls are catapulted towards a trampalene target in a minefield aimed by their tean mates. HA HA HA HA HA They then bounce on to flaming trapeze from which they have to swing and land at the base of the hill of death. HA HA HA HAThe intrepid ping pong balls then have to be quick and run up the hill of death attached to a elastic bungi rope hit the button to open the door to receive your prize HA HA HA. KC OOOOOH DEAR MY Head hurts Cleggs WOW I know who you are Its KING CAMERON! …..BUURP KC ERRRRRRRM OH Chill mant YIP ITS ME I’m back in town daddyoh and you are history….. Cleggs Cool man we’ll see! Hic! Stuart Hall OK Teams GO! Ha Ha Ha Camilla Left Left a little Right a little Right Annnnnnnd FIRE! KC ? TWAAAAAAAAAAAAANG! KC OOOOUPAH! WOW I’m flying again man Oh no missed COOOOOOOEH! SPLAT! Bojo Careful your highness you’ve landed in the minefield KC Can’t hear you old BANG! Sorry what did BANG! you BANG! Say. I’ll Make my way to the BANG BOOOM tramoline! Sir Brucey To me to you to me to you didn’t we do well! Cleggs FIRE! TWANNNNNNNNNG ‘OOOOOOOOH’ And off again BOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG KC MADE IT MAN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG (KC Cleggs are neck and neck on target hurtling through the air towards the flaming trapeze) KC OH man I made it OOOOH AAAAH OOOOH AAAAAH OUCH ….. Cleggs Cool baby OH Man what that. I can smell burning rope….Oh ye I’m on fire man…… FIRE! FIRE! I’m om FIRE! Brucey Let Go! Or you’ll get burnt hands remenber you get nothing for a pair…. Cleggs Good Ideaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Splat! KC OOOOH AAAAH OOOOH AAAAAH OUCH ….Oh Dear can‘t hold OOOOOOOOOOOOOON. Splat! SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP KC Cleggs HEEEEEEEEELP! Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA HA We didn’t tell then why its called the hill of death because it had alligators at the bottom……watch them go HA HA HA HA KC Cleggs Run……….Run……….Run………Huff……….Puff………….Huff SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP KC Cleggs Run….Run….Run…Run…Huff….Puff….Huff…..Puff SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP KC Cleggs Run. Run .Run Run Run Run Huff.Puff.Huff. Puff Huff Puff Cleggs MADE IT Hic (Clasping rail at top of hill with bungi cords very taught) Guardian Welcome Mr Cleggs I’m am QE2 and you really are odious…..so …..These little piggies went to market….These little piggies stayed at home….. Cleggs No Man please stop uncurling my fingers baby! Hic Guardian QE2 This little piggy had roast beef and this little piggy had none and this little piggy… Cleggs Hanging on by his littlle finger….PLEASE! Guardian went WEEE WEEE WEEE All the way home! Cleggs Oh NO! TWANG WEEEEEEEEEEEE! SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP Cleggs Run. Run .Run Run Run Run Huff.Puff.Huff. Puff Huff Puff KC MADE IT MAN (Clasping rail at top of hill with bungi cords very taught) Sir Jimmy Now Then Now Then You fixed it for me to smoke a cigar made from manure and plied me with funny substances OK Dude KC Yeh man crazy…. Sir Jimmy PUFF ON cigar KC GOD THAT’S MINGIN MAN YOUR BREATHE STINKS ATISHOOOOOOOOOOO! OH NO TWAAAAAAAANG SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP KC Run. Run .Run Run Run Run Huff.Puff.Huff. Puff Huff Puff Stuart Hall HA HA HA HA now it’s neck and neck to the top of the tower… KC Cleggs Press their button at the same time open their doors at the same time and walk through to collect their prize at the same time… KC OH Man What are you doing here! Cleggs Never mind me Hic What are you doing here….. KC LET ME OUT! CLEGS UNLOCK THE DOOR! Stuart Hall Your Highness you final treat… Duke of Ed This sounds fun…. KC CLEGGGS HEEEEEEEEELP! Stuart Hall HA HA HA Your Highness look through the telescope th team captain are such sports are waving pity we can‘t hear them…so your highness you just press the button and the captains will be lauched into space in a firework extravaganda…HA HA HA Any chance of a knighthood? If you can knight Brucie and Jimmy one Why not me! QE2 OH Goody Prince Charles Sounds bloody good fun Brucey Space ……HIGHER? Bojo What are we going to doi know George Well give Joderall Bank s Ring… Prince Charles I‘ll get Wills to get his chopper out…. Eric Lucky Cleggs….More stew anyone its CRAAAAAAAAZY! Bojo YIP But we are back in charge….time to spare though …..SHERGAR! WHERE ARE YOU!!! Fancy another Derby…. Near a Planet far away….. KC Why did you try to erase me Cleggs Cleggs I wanted to lead a liberal hegemony of a thousand years and you stood in my way I am a man of principle KC But if that man of principle had a choice of going on trial for treason or being a gutless ideological liying toady what would it be Cleggs Thats easy I would put my faith in the sword of Justice…..One lump or two your greast great highness…. KC Thought so…..Polish mi head… Cleggs Your Highness nothing would please me more
KC Yawn-so toppo to be back in mi goose feather quilt…. Cleggs Ah your highness is it one lump or two… KC Earl Grey Cleggs two… Cleggs Your Highness is it smoked kippers or devilled kidney … KC Kidney of course kippers make mi breath hum….where are the papers… Cleggs Guardian… KC WHAT! Cleggs Errrrm Telegraph Independent KC Do they have totty and cartoons in… Cleggs OK Sun…..Beano KC Where’s mi News of the World I need to sees what going on in the world, biggest bust ups, eastenders problem page it where its at… Cleggs Your highness Where it was at….. KC What do you bloody mean man! Cleggs the news of the World is gone…. KC Where too? Cleggs Its no more Its ceased Mr Murdoch closed it KC WHAT WHIP WAP WHEP WHY!!!!! Cleggs Your highness please do not spit kidney all over me….It was closed because the Mr Murdoch got sick of it. Its no loss the paper didn’t back the Liberal Party….It called me names… KC CALL YOU NAMES YOU OAF….It was my key to office…all them bangers and bingo…. Cleggs and dodgy stories… KC WHO CARES! BBQ Cheap beer and overtime deluded the great British public into voting me into office… Clegs A paper with lack of political insight…. KC Thank god you’ve caught on…that’s why it supported us…OH dear pass me the Beano…. Cleggs Your highness I need to air the room and open the curtains….OH dear! KC WHAT NOW! Cleggs There a huge crowd outside….. KC Oh mi subjects come to support me…. Cleggs Nope the Press come to question you…. KC About what Cleggs About how you treated me as adoor mat but that we are back as best of friends…. RING RING RING RING KC HELLO….No I don’t know a bear with tartan trousers you idiot….Oh sorry no no no …….I was joking Mr Murdoch….mi old cobber!...its the Ocker from down under… wonder why hes rung up… Murdoch RACK OFF Yer Brown eyed mullet…..While yer having a dingo breakfast we’ve bin sprung… KC Mr Murdock Sir No I had kidney for breakfast kipper make mi breath hum Murdock Yer about as useful as tits on a bullock yer whacker… KC Thankyou sir? Murdock Look bludger I’m Back of Bourke so get orf yer clacker be as cunning as a dunny rat and as angry as a frog in a sock…. KC OH of course sir sounds scrummy… Murdock Are your Kangaroos loose in the top paddock?… KC I can’t understand a bloody word he’s saying Cleggs Your Highness Let me….Mr Murdock…. Murdock look yer galah… Cleggs lets cut out the raw prawn…we don’t want to get the pink slip ok..and even though hes not the full quid…there’s something that stands out like a shag on a rock… Murdock Yer a bit up yer self…. Cleggs NA Mate it you who come a guster so if I bail out BSkyB’ll ave Buckley's chance OK Murdock I’m as mad as a cut snake but OK! Cleggs Remember I’m figjam and I’ll tell the bludger what to do Murdock Holy Dooley! Cleggs We’ll be ok its London to a brick she’ll be right, we won’t be stonkered Murdock NO DRAMA MUCKA! Clegs Ripsnorter! Murdock Hooroo Cleggs Hooroo KC WELL! What did he want… Cleggs To instill confidence in you your highness and welcome you back after your hols! KC Oh Toppo he diodn’t mention anything about our little deal …. Cleggs Good god no……..unless? KC YES! Cleggs Your Highness….unless you mean you getting into bed with Mr Murdock and doing a shabby deal to let him take over BskyB for political support…and told him to call me names… KC Good God NO! Hardly Know the man What would the world be coming to! No I meant my subscription to Sky Sports and the Gentlemen’s channel George Your Highness but didn’t you go to his sons wedding…. KC ERRRRRRM WEEEEEELL! George Employ his former Editor Mr Coulson… KC ERRRRM WEEEEEEL POSS…..Oh Dear my memory George And employ him again… KC I feel faint! Light bloody headed! WOOOOOF!” George And buddy with Miss Brooks…. KC CORRRRRR Ding Dong NO! Cleggs Your Highness I’m so pleased I thought you might be up to your armpits in it….good lets go out as a team and face the press and tell them how we have got back together and are working as a team fir the UK. It was awful you were in Prison in Spain and then went missing. I tried to take over. Then you turned up with a bald head disguised as the Dalia lama. You took over again we fell out. But we are back together again. We need to go out there and reveal the scandal of it all…. KC OH Judi are you coming with me as mi deputy to face em…. Cleggs DON’T CALL MI JUDI! Yes! Hang together or be hung apart! The two go outside number ten.. KC Gentlemen of the Press I am Mr Cameron your leader here to answer all you questions…. Cleggs and I’m his butler good bye KC WHAAAT? JOHN SIMPSON Your Highness What do you think about the linking of you two in the press! KC "The decision to hire him was mine – and mine alone – and I take full responsibility for it he’s a dam good butler Simpson So you do not regret working with him again…. KC "I took a conscious choice to give someone who had screwed up a second chance," "He worked for me, he worked for me well no one can make devilled kidneys like him, ‘ Simpson You do not regret anything KC "He had been given a second chance, he was doing, I thought, a very good job working very hard for the government of the country in ironing me papers and brushing mi fez..’ Simpson So where now with this scandal… KC "The police have got the resources and the skills to follow the evidence wherever it leads. To question anyone no matter how high or low The police must feel they can go wherever they need to question anyone. It was hell but now I’m back" Simpson So you do not fear anything?. KC! "The truth is, we have all been in this together – the press, politicians and leaders of all parties – and yes, that includes me." Simpson….So you are part of the scandal as well…. KC "The key thing is they are going to be investigated by the police and when they get investigated by the police and when the truth is out, it won't be a question of whether or not they have jobs or whether or not they resigned from those jobs, it's a question of whether they are going to be prosecuted, whether they are going to be convicted, whether they are going to be punished……erm what scandal???" Simpson ‘That you are up to your armpits with news international and made a deal for political support in return for letting them buy BskyB.’ KC So it’s not about my holiday in a Spanish Jail, Cleggs taking over, my escape back yo blighty…. Simpson NOPE! KC Its not about me living in poverty beset by Chatsworth nerdowells then regaining my crown. Simpson NOPE! KC Or my remployment and forgiveness of Cleggs… Simpson NOPE It’s your employment and the arrest of former News of the Work editor Coulson….and hes spilling the beans on you… KC OH NO CRIKES……(Runs to the door of Number Ten to find its locked) OPEN THE DOOR YOU WEASEL! Cleggs NOT TODAY THANKYOU! KC HELLLLP Cleggs open the door….I thought we were mates….. Simpson And its about you going to the wedding of Mr Murdoch Junior…I was their after I invaded the party dressed as a huge wedding cake and liberated a crate of champaigne…. Cleggs Nope! KC (Running around) HELLLLLLP! Simpson And its also about you and editor Miss Brooks…. KC Ding Dong! Cleggs Go away or I will call the Police…..Oh someone already has… Simpson YES I was their after I invaded the TNOW dressed as a large Miss Brooks and got rather more than I bargained for…. NE NA NE NA NE NA NE NA KC Godda go……I’ll get you Cleggs
Cleggs Jesus George there a right pack of press outside here…where is his highness? George. I don’t know since all this kicked of about the NOTW he disappeared…. Cleggs OH what’s this a letter…..’Dear George, Bojo and Judy….thought I’ld take the day orft as feeling a bit peeky..you hold fort so see you later chaps toodle pip Kingy.’ George Well stone me his…well erm…his Eric His “£$%$£ arse has fallen out…and left us lot ter face’t music and he called you yellow… Bojo George Biff Boof Biff Boof Cleggs OH YOU TWO Stop playing pillow fights this is serious…he can’t have got far…he was still in bed at seven when I took him his poached egg and read out the papers to him…. Bojo OH Fiddleypooh Cleggs you’re a rotter… George And what did you read to him…. Cleggs That the crowds are baying for his blood….that he a yellow bellied scoundrel that will be lynched either by parliament, the people or the press… George Which paper was that in…. Cleggs None…I made it up George Was he scared? Cleggs Yip! Running around in his we willy winky hat declaring ‘If they catche me I’m dead.’ it was great Eric That coward is letting us carry the ££$$%%$£ can…He can go and $%$%$£$ right up his$%$££%%^ George Well we’ll just have to find him then…. Bojo Oh a game of hunt the thimble Nannymoo would be pleased…I can feel a song coming on to help us search… Bojo (At the Grand Piano tinkling the Ivories) OK Chaps get looking for the bounder he’s here somewhere…..Tinkle Tinkle……And ’We seek him here, …..they seek him there,……the heir to blair,……..is he in the jardinière…….It will make or break him the NOTW Affair, 'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Murdoch. All Oh yes he is (oh no I’m not), oh yes he is (oh no I’m not). Bojo Tinkle Tinkle Cleggs (Looking in the aspidistra) ‘Not a word from him or a sound.. And up till now he can’t be found….He did a deal and sold his soul to the man from Oz 'Cause he's a dedicated follower of Murdoch. All Oh yes he is (oh no I’m not), oh yes he is (oh no I’m not). Bojo Tinkle Tinkle George (Looking in the broom cupboard) There's one thing that he loves and that is bribery, This week he's in politucs, the next week he is in prison stripes. Cause he's a dedicated follower of fashion. Oh yes he is (OH NO IM NOT), oh yes he is (OH NO IM NOT). Bojo GEORGE he’s in the Habitat Boat Bar Cocktail Cabinet….lets approach……….TA P TAP….Your Highness? KC HELLO! Bojo Your highnes why are you in the Habitart boat bar cocktail cabinet. KC AM I……BY GOD…..THOUGHT THE BLOODY light FUSE HAD GONE George Are you hiding…. KC WHAT! Not me…..I’m your KING…..FEARLESS…..also known as Flashman RING RING RING RING Cleggs Your highness the phone…. KC LEAVE IT…….I‘M BRAVE…….HONEST…… RING RING RING RING KC LEAVE…….. Cleggs His Highness Gaff…AH Mr Murdoch you want to speak to the dumb oaf….Your highness its for you…….. KC H….H……H…….Hello….SIR! Murdoch LOOK YAR BUFFHEAD…. KC OH YES SIR! Yu got a very nice bald head… Murdoch NO YA HOON! KC SIR? Murdoch MATE! We’ve come a guster and we’re about to CARK IT yer budger! KC OH BLOODY HEL NO SIR! Cleggs what she saying Cleggs You are an idiot that’s cost him a lot of money and he holds you responsible KC EEEEEK ? Murdoch I‘ve got to yabber toi a pommy committee ….so fix it drongo…..before we appear Cleggs He fuming and wants you to fix the Culture Committee investigating news international for when you both appear…. KC AM I! Who arranged that? Murdoch MONGREL! KC Tell him I’ll fix it … Cleggs NO DRAMA Murdoch Gday I’ll pick you up KC Gang! What are we going to do….We’re Toast Bojo Your highness I already did it….I stuffed the Culture Committeit full of like minded people crooks drunks fakes and flunkies KC Oh thank god…..(Looks out the Window) Oh No what does Jimmy Saville want…. DING DONG KC Go Away….Dear Jimmy can you fix it for me for you to go away and stop being following me around. Murdoch ITS ME YER GALAH! OPEN THE DOOR We have to go to the committee Bojo Your Highness You have to go…. Cleggs heres your Hat Coat false beard dark glasses….George the door… Eric We’ll See yer there…. KC Cleggs BYE! Eric No we will be in the crowd….turn around its time to go…PUNCE SLAM Press YOUR HIGHNESS AR YOU CORRUPT….WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A COMEDY SPY…..IS JIM FIXING IT FOR YOU…..ARE YOU FINISHED? Murdoch GET IN! KC YES SIR! Who driving Oh Hello Rebbecca….new job? Later At the Culture Committee Welcome Welcome Mr Cameron Mr Murdoch Mr Clegg Ms Rebecca let me introduce myself I’m Sir Les Patterson Cultural attatche to the court of St James and chair of the culture ,committee…on my right is Rolferoo and my left Germaine Greer aided by Liz from Prisner Cell Block H Gday…Buuuuuuuurp. KC Rebbecca Cleggs Hello….. Murdoch Gdday KC Call mi Flash Sir Les Please Raaaaaise yerrrrrrrrp right handy.. And reeeeeeperrrrrrrrt afterrrrrrr me…I doooooooo. KC Murdoch Rebbecca I do KC Becks I know ding dong Sir Les Raaaaaaaaarlph will yerrrrrrrr begin Rolf Harris Thanks Sir Lez Hi Cha Cha Hoo Cha Cha Him Cha Cho Hi Were you and cleggs two little boys with two little toys? Murdoch Beaut! I thought you said it was fixed… KC Well Rolfaroo I’m insulted I can’t speak for Cleggs But ALL the Toppo ladies state something else bit of a pocket rocket in my strides…Aint that right Becks…..What MMM. Murdoch Sir Lez ….You have seen these Wallabies feed mate? Sir Les... Yip.... I saw these wallabies feed and they’re a dangerous breed mate they're a dangerous breed... Rolf All together now........ Rupe...You had to keep theses Cockatwos cool [auto mod], keep these cockatwo cool … Rebbeca Yip We Just couldn’t get away from these fools…Roo...couldn't get away from these fools..all together now KC I remember Becks Corrrrrrr! Sir Les So What harrrrrrrrpened larrrrteeeeeer when the neeeeeeews broke Murdock Strewth mate Cameron said he would tan my hide til I was dead lez tan my hide till I was dead….and he left me hung on the shed lez left me hung on the shed altogether now Rolf OOOOH MATE! Murdock .I’m just a doodery old 80 year old with a sheilla carer Rebbecca Yes he’s a lovelly old man in his evening years KC Cleggs what going on can’t understand a bloody thing Cleggs they saying we are a corrupt pensioner bashing crew… KC OH is that all….Thought t was going against us… Rolf Sir Les It looks like these two were on the loose Lez these two were on the loose, and used people until they were no further use Lez they were uncontrolled and on the loose..all together now KC TOO RIGHT! You can’t tie this kangeroo down sport. Cleggs SHUT UP BURKE Sir Lez Riiiiiiiight bring burp in ouuuuur first whitless Lord Cable… Lord Cable Breatth in Breath out I was the only man prepared to stand up to to the evil empire Sir Lez Love rthe Starweeeeeers suite Lord Cabley Germaine All societies on the verge of death are masculine. A society can survive with only one man; no society will survive a shortage of women. Lord Cable That may be true dear lady but even my powers were not enough against…. Germaine YES! Lord Cable the dark force…. Germaine what happened Lord Cable A greater dark lord was more powerful and overwhelmed my power and the evil empire grew…. Germaine Who is this dark lord….. Lord He is there known as Flashman Kingy His Highness Geermaine Lord Cable the tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough KC Speak for yourself Girlie Lord Cable He is not a man he is more…He may look and sound stupid…..but he is powerful KC Steady on old chap! Rebbecca Yes Germaine he also a misogamist KC Thought it was the Bullingdon Club I joined Cleggs NO they saying you hate women and use them Germaine WHAT! Probably the only place where he’ll feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, KC Germaine old bean I luv the ladies if you know what I mean…… Lizzie Birdsworth "YOOOOOOUUU LIIITTTTTLE RIPPPPPPPAAAAAAH!!!!" KC What’s that Cleggs She could be an ally Lizzie Anyone got a [auto mod] for an old lag Sir Lez Rrrrrrright Burp KC Was there’re a deal betweeeeeeen yooooooou and Mr Muuuuuurdick? Rebbecca It was not a deal it was blackmail Sir Lez BUUUUUURP! Murdock Yes he made us support him or he would close us down! KC WHAT! You said to me you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours Cleggs SHHHHHHHH! Sir Lez So Mr Murdock It not true that you permised to serpert him to alloo you to teck over BSkerB it wer im that wernted BURP contril of BBBBBSkerB…. Rolf Too Right Mate…. KC I thought that was a seceret….Were you there SSSSSSHHHHHHH! it’s a seceret! Cleggs SHUT UP! Rolf I think you thought all that glittered was gold and you were buying a stairway to heaven …. KC NEVER! Rolf Yes Sir Lez And when he got there he knows even if the stores are all closed With a word he can get what he came for……Ooh and it makes me wonder How does it affect you Rupert? Murdoch I was lead astray MATE! I ain’t got a brass razoo, He did the Hacking didgerydoo instrumental Rolf You know words sometimes have two meanings ….A lot of words have two meanings…Um, like the word to buy….Buying a stairway to heaven,….Sometimes all of our thoughts are also misgiven Sir Lez Yes Raaaarf I think yeeeer corrrrrrrect Burp KC Appear a dooooopey air headeeeed idieeeeert KC Thanks… Cleggs This is serious they are going against us…Yu will have to charm them.. KC Who…..Rebbeca….I’ve rode with her before now toppo totty Cleggs No one of the Culture Committee… KC Geermain shes one of them….a feminist….and Sir Lez OOOOH Cleggs It will have to be Lizzie KC "Lizzie, you're a crook like me Good on ya, granny!" Lizzie TEE HEE Tell him from me, he can get social with me anytime he likes. I'm a good worker when I get going Cleggs Your Majesty Your In… KC What? Sir Lez Weell Cultuuuuuure Comitted we need to have a vote of censuuuuure on Mr Cameron….and Mr Merduck… Murdoch I’m just a moth eaten kangeroo blue… Rolf Poor little blighter Sir Lez OK Burp then Mr Cameron.. Rolf Guilty KC WHAT! Cleggs Quick charm Liz….. Germaine Guilty… KC Liz do you want to erm erm to… Sir Lez Lizz? Liz I want a couple of new dresses, a mink coat, and maybe a bikini to wear during my exercise period. What about you? KC I don’t want a mink coat… Cleggs NO! She wants you to erm well attend to her KC Do I have to! Murdich YIP! Sir Lez Liz your voooort KC OK LIZ! Liz NOT GUILTY! Murdoch Rebeca Cleggs PHEW! KC Is that it! Murdoch Rebeca Cleggs It is for us! Sir Lez The committeeeeeee is loocked and carrrrrnt make a conkclusion…merting adjerned…. Rolf Do we know what it is yet? Germaine Liz’s birthday Murdoch Rebeca Cleggs Right we’re of KC Can I come with you…. Murdoch Nope you’ve work to do…. KC Yes Sir! Liz COOOOEEEEEH! KC HEEEEEEEELP! DO NOT LEAVE ME CLEGGS Rolf Liz they call him Jake the Peg with an extra leg deedle eedle eedle um Cleggs BYE! .
Ring Ring Ring Ring Hello Who this? Madge… Madge who? Madge Apollo cleaning services very reasonable rates £20 for a light clean or £50 for a deep clean including the toilet or other services by negotiation… Madge…. Yes… Is his highness there? Madge NOPE! Is the deputy their Madge NOPE! Is the Mayor of London there Madge NOPE Is the Chancellor there Madge NOPE! Home Secretary Madge NOPE! Madge this is Field Marshal Effingham Head of Spectra and Cobra Committee Madge OOOH I don’t like snakes…Is this cause I’ve been smoking in the parlour while I dusted the aspidistra….are you going to report me? FM Effingham No Woman…but who’s there at number 10... Madge No one they’re all on holiday I’m holding fort. FM Effingham Have you got his highnesses phone number….. Madge No strict instructions do not disturb….oh hang on… BANG……….. DON’T PANIC DON’T PANIC HELLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEE MAN THE BARACADES….. FM Effingham Madge what’s going on? Madge The Deputy Prime minister has just arrived do you want a word? FM Effingham Pop the bounder on? Madge Nick the General wants a word…. Cleggs HEEEEEEELP! Madge STOP Running around….. the General…… Head of Spectra……. on the phone FM Effingham Field Marshal Madge Field Marshal… Cleggs WHO! ……….SPECTRA……..Pass it here………Is that Field Marshal Effingham head of Spectra and Cobra Committee? FM Effingham YIP! Cleggs HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!! FM Effingham CALM DOWN MAN! Cleggs Breathe in one two three….out one two three….all calm .Field Marshal I’ve just got back from Pontins no sooner did I arrive in London than I saw the news RIOTS AND REVOLOUTIONS EVERYWHERE…….TRILLIONS WlPED OFF THE STOCKMARKET……..DOUBLE DIP RECESSION…..EURO CRISIS….And they’ve all bogged off without a peep, the dirty raskels… Madge Can I go now…. Cleggs NO How dare you abandon your post madam….You are my second in command… Madge OOOOOOOOH I am important! Cleggs Yes MAM We are the thin line between order and anarchy….when all others abandon there post we can say…. Madge & FM Effingham YES! Cleggs We can say…. Madge & FM Effingham YES! Cleggs The DIRTY COWARDS HEEEEEEEEEEELP! FM Effinham Get a Grip man get hold of His Highness! Cleggs YES The video link this is the age of the internet….quick madge hit the remote…. Madge OH this is fun…..oh its focussing Cleggs YOUR HIGHNESS THANK GOD…. KC WHAT DO YOU WANT WEASEL I’M ON MY JOLLIES Cleggs Youyr Highness it’s a riot….. KC Yes I know Cleggs this new tennis coach is wizzo… Cleggs NO! It hotting up…. KC It’s been a bloody scorcher got a right tan…. Cleggs NO YOU BLOODY IDOIT THERE ARE RIOTS IN LONDON! KC I’m not back for weeks why the celebration …. Cleggs NOOOOOOO! Its an insurrection there me and madge the cleaner between anarchy and order… KC Bang on Chapps keep up the jolly good work….. Cleggs There are using social network sites in an orgy of wanton looting and destruction…. KC Is it a Bullingdon Do? Cleggs WHAT WE NEED YOU BACK TO SHOW LEADERSHIP! KC Sorry….. Chaps……you’re break……up love Cleggs What KC Oh Sorry just talking to my tennis coach its his serve…..very serious indeed if I loose this match I’ll be a bloody laughing stock speak to George Biyeeee! Cleggs WAIT…….Drat he’s gone…….Madge tune in George…… Madge OOOOOOOOH This looks fun Cleggs George are you there? George OOOOOOOOOOH UUUUUUUPPPAAAAA ARRRRRRRRGH…… Cleggs George Where are you are you in the firing line…..Its hell here riots stock markets up and down…..chaos… George It’s hell here Cleggs hang on OOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAH Cleggs George Are you safe? George Yes these disney roller coasters are tested to the limited oh no we are loop the looping again…. Cleggs George are you in London…. George Good God no….I’m in Disney Land in the big Us of A and in conference Cleggs Who with President Obahma George WHO…..No not that loser someone much more important than that….. Cleggs Who…. George Mr and Mrs Minnie Mouse….oh we’re off again OOOOOOOAAAAAAH….. Madge Here Cleggs His Highness is coming through on line one…… Cleggs Put him on…..Thank god your highness….. KC Right patch in Effingem…. Cleggs OK KC Right send in the police reserves they will stabilise it…… Effingham Not an option….. Cleggs Why not Effingham They were laid off…. KC Right send in the army reserves they will stabilise it…… Effingham Not an option….. Cleggs Why not Effingham They were laid off or abroad KC Right send in the Guards they will stabilise it…… Effingham Not an option….. Cleggs Why not Effingham They were amalgamated…. KC Right send in the carriers they will stabilise it…… Effingham Not an option….. Cleggs Why not Effingham They’ve no aircraft…. KC Right send in the RAF they will stabilise it…… Effingham Not an option….. Cleggs Why not Effingham They were laid off and we used the one bomb in Libya…. KC Right use the reserves we built up with the cuts to hire a load of thugs they will stabilise it…… Effingham Not an option….. Cleggs Why not Effingham We lent it to Ireland and Greece KC Right there nothing for it…. Cleggs Madge Effingham YES! KC We launch the secret weapon…… Cleggs Madge Effingham You mean Eric. DING DONG Cleggs GO AWAY WE AE IN LOCK DOWN AND COBRA IS SITING…..Madge GET THE MOP! DING DONG Cleggs OK MADGE Let them have it Door Number Ten Swings Open Madge OH MY GOD WE ARE SAVED! Fiddly boo madam I’ve arrived in the nick of time…..get it fiddly boo….in the nick of time Cleggs Is this the secret weapon…….ERIC……BOJO…… KC OH Good the secret weapon’s arrived….anyone for tennis….BYE! Boris Right Chaps Where do we begin….Haven’t had as much fun since Nannynoo was rather naughty Cleggs Madge Effingham ……We’ve had it. Boris FIDDLYBOO! NOT ON YOUR NELLY TALLYHO! ….